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Ive done that awful thing again and snooped on internet, to find 8 months after my AH abandoned me that he is living with an argentinian woman in the west indies and has been since february. I heard that he had met someone but my sister in law told me there was nothing in it...she lied to me, she knew because she went out there in april. I know my step daughter has been and stayed with them and how they wander the island taking photos all day and holding hands and how my sister in law gave them a microwave to cook with etc etc. How she cuts his hair (he had lovely long grey hair and I used to cut it for him). It sounds like this fantastic love affair...so immediate after he left although i know he met her a few weeks after. In the meantime, he has kept trying to get in touch "to be friends" and Ive remained no contact, with my sister finally getting sick of him contacting her and telling him in no uncertain terms that his overtures were not welcome. He has joined an AA site in August but never actually done anything on it....god I feel so awful, it was like a car crash last night, I didnt want to see it, but couldnt help looking. I think I had a right to know from my sister in law, she kept it completely from me...I have not responded in any way to all this and kept my pride, but it is so so painful. I felt I was doing so well, my A leaves me after 7 years of such chaos and breaks my heart and he lands smack bang on his feet...I just need to vent, I didnt know i was so completely replaceable, she is now part of his family instead, talking about the things I used to know about, its hell....Please give me some support, I know i shouldnt have looked but ive done really well changing my life in the last months, finding work to compensate for his income (he was major earner) carrying on paying bills, getting a lodger, building my network of friends, going new places...it just feels like Ive been kicked in the stomach, I felt physically sick when I read it...How has he bounced back so wonderfully, whilst I am still not done grieving...hes renaged on all responsibilities, im getting his mail which I know is people chasing him and he is just having a ball on a little island with a sexy argentinian....I feel so very bad... Lilly
Oh Lilly, I'm sorry you feel this way. That awful habil that is snooping, I have it too. What you have to remember is that things aren' always as they seem. You say that he left you after 7 years of chaos. Honey, what makes you think he, all of a sudden, is this amazing wonderful guy with the ability to make a woman incredibly happy? I know you'll eel bad for a while and you have the right to. I've been where you are right know, and I know my mind plays games with me and I imagine a fairy tale of a life that is not realistic. Mourn your relationship, it's normal and healthy, but try to keep your mind from palying games with you.
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
First of all I read this at the bottem of Priscilla's post and it says A LOT.......History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again......WOW!!!! Also another one that comes to mind is life can only be understood backward but must be lived forward.
YOU LIL are NOT and NEVER will be replacable-NEVER...HP only made ONE of YOU and luckily MIP snatched you up when we did because you have been a blessing and inspiration to many of us here-especially me. I probally wouldn't be where I am today without you......
We all slip........Remember me???? I am the QUEEN of slips......I STILL do it......much less, but on occassion and each time the effect on me physcially and mentally is less, which is sometimes why I think I still do it.......Maybe my logic is that eventually I will go there and feel NOTHING and that will be the end of it for me and I can move on in peace.
Please do not beat yourself up over this. It's normal, it's fine, and you did it, now it's done. If it were me I would think that this A moved on very quickly because most of them have to latch onto some form of safety net, and this new woman is probally it, and he is on his best behavior with her-FOR NOW. You've been there-you know that good behavior can't last and do you really think she will stick around when it's gone???? As for your SIL, I would be hurt badly if my SIL saw my ex with someone and didn't tell me, even though it would hurt me to find out, I would want to know.
You are fine and doing great in your program. You had a slip, you stumbled, you fell. Now we are here to pull you back to your feet, dust you off and put you back in the place of serenity and peace where you were before all of this happened.
Keep coming back!!WE LOVE YOU!!!
shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I wouldn't actually say he landed on his feet. I don't know that a "relationship" can cure an alcoholic.
I spend a lot of time and energy not knowing what the ex A is doing. I do that because otherwise I would feel as you do. Our fantasies can take us to some very dark places. You are in recovery, he isn't.
I know the ex A could always make whatever he was doing, with whoever it was, no matter how dysfunctional seem so interesting and intriguing. He could make anything look better than it was. They are so great at making mirages.
I certainly absolutely over committed to a long long relationship. I was there years and years too long. My commitment went on until I could not go on any longer. then I started focusing on me and one sure way was not to know or even think about what the ex A is doing.
Aloha Lilly...that metaphor about a car crash is sooo appropriate. Alcoholics are not the only ones that drive drunk. My alcoholic wife was my addiction and I had those "crashes" when trying to drink as much of her as I could and trying to arrive at happy. It won't happen. And then you do admit to looking soooo what you're doing isn't working try something that is working from the membership here and in face to face meetings, the literature and all support you can get your hands on.
The former suggestions and realities are good to focus on also. I use to focus on just the part that said, "What makes you think?" My mind was sooo screwed up that the only thing I could hope to get out of it was dysfunction. When I got dysfunction I was getting my expectations met. Stop drinking him. Put the cork back in the "him" bottle and stop reaching for it or toss it out.
Read your past posts about how it was before and look at the one about how it is now. Your peace of mind and happiness isn't about him and he is not responsible for either. Face to face meetings, literature, sponsor, HP, steps, traditions etc...are the suggestions. If you keep doing it your way even with breaks in between, you will continue to get the same thing as before. There is no way it could be any different. Try again (((((hugs)))))
In a way I can relate. I left my A and he is with someone else. She has a nice big house, makes twice as much money as I do. I don't know any of the details of their relationship and I don't want to.
It does hurt though. I was the one that had to leave with 2 kids, no job no where to go because he wouldn't leave. And once I did leave 2 months later he left our apartment. So why couldn't he have left in the first place? Maybe HP had a better plan for me and I do believe this because on Saturday i will be moving my belongings into my new apartment!!
At one point I kept think about their relationship. It may last a couple years but who really knows. I know after the first 6 months or so we started having problems. Alcoholism is a disease it gets progressive over time. He isn't going to change. I think often he wants me to think he is doing better than he is and at times he wants me to feel he is worse off than he was and play the victim. The manipulation, lies and what not have not stopped. Im sure this women will get sick of him just as I did.
But I can't sit and waste MY precious time worrying/thinking about their relationship. I need to get MY life back, be happy have serenity!! I left 4 months ago and each day it does get easier. But some days are just horrible and I really do miss him, but then I sit and write down 10 things why I did leave and how if I were to go back those 10 things probably would not change. Also before I left I took a pic of him passed out at the table and I look at that and remind myself I need to work MY program and get myself better before anything else.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Thank you so much for all your posts...they give me strength and a bit more courage..Shelley, bless you for your kind words they brought tears to my eyes. Peeking has given me a new truth to deal with but I must remember that I do know what he is, who he is and that he is an active alcoholic and until that changes nothing really changes, only gets worse. You are all wonderful...oh and no more peeking for me, thats enough pain to inflict on myself, never again. Lillyx
