The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I reflect on my relationship with my exaH I realize how from the very beginning I was willing to over look some things that were important to me. I was willing to believe the excuses, the lies, the very ridiculous stories, the insults, the games. When I tried to set boundaries of tolerance, and he'd run off , I was still there the next morning, day, night. I've had my reasons. Commitment to the marriage. Believing in getting through hard times. Loving him. Being selfish and needy. Being scared and afraid of change and of feeling like a failure, etc
And now I see how even though I don't like some of the things my exaH has done throughout our marriage, my choices and decisions have brought me to this place. I turned my back on myself over and over and over again. Had I meant what I said and followed through, we wouldn't have gotten to 10 years of this. Had I had different boundaries and expectations for myself, it would be different too.
I am beginning to realize that my choices and decisions will lead me to being loved the way I need to be, and that it is ok to accept nothing less. I make ammends to myself to not turn my back on myself and believe in being loved the way I need to be.
I could have written this myself almost to the letter.I needed to read this,thank you for sharing your recovery and strength.
Especially the part about turning your back on yourself over and over.I have done that as well.For me it took 37 years to finally wake up.That is my own fault because I should have stayed with alanon when I first came in 1990.I was stubborn and had a closed mind.
It is hard to believe that trusting in your HP will ultimately be all that is needed for your safety and security but it is true whether we want to believe it or not. Making good decisions for you is wonderfully appropriate and trying to realize what is the "right footwork" and path that HP wants for you is not easy. I can identify. But what seems true is you are putting yourself first. Congratulations!
-- Edited by MyThoughts2U2 on Thursday 17th of September 2009 11:05:42 AM
I've had my reasons. Commitment to the marriage. Believing in getting through hard times. Loving him. Being selfish and needy. Being scared and afraid of change and of feeling like a failure, etc my choices and decisions have brought me to this place. I turned my back on myself over and over and over again. Had I meant what I said and followed through, we wouldn't have gotten to 10 years of this. Had I had different boundaries and expectations for myself, it would be different too.
I am beginning to realize that my choices and decisions will lead me to being loved the way I need to be, and that it is ok to accept nothing less. I make ammends to myself to not turn my back on myself and believe in being loved the way I need to be.
Rora
Dear Rora
What a beautiful and powerful post! I can so relate to this! It is ok for me to not accept crumbs but to shoot for the best! I am worth it! I have come far in my recovery and I can only hope that HP gives me the 2nd chance at doing it healthy this time in anything I endeavor! Bad choices out of my coda sickness cost me so many years, but I can do and have better! Time means nothing to my HP, so as I get older and hear those insensitive words "oh your too old now (early 60's) to find anyone" I just say "HP is not too old and time means nothing to my HP, so I will let HIM have the final say about my life"
I get sad sometimes, thinking of the waste I made of my life with my bad decisions and choices, but I can also be presented with new opportunities as I heal and its like I am in my second life in the same body! I just do the best I can today and let tomorrow take care of itself, based on the good I do for me today.
Your post really touched me. Thank you for sharing your heart
Neshema
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I have a very hard time recognizing what is forgiveable and what isn't. I forgave the ex A so many times. I bought his lies day in day out. I bought them until I had nothing left to speak of.
I have a very hard time recognizing what is forgiveable and what isn't. I forgave the ex A so many times. I bought his lies day in day out. I bought them until I had nothing left to speak of.
Maresie.
Dear Maresie
I can very much relate to this! I don't think it is so much forgiveness, but how much can I give before I am "given out"! Before the gas tank of patience and tolerence runs on empty! I ran out of "patient gas" after 13 years of heartache! I forgive him! I just do not want that kind of life again!
Just my little 2 cents!
Neshema
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Rora, your words speak to me as they could be my own. 7 years I turned my back on myself, allowing my AH to leave me over and over again and always point the finger at my failings, never my own. Even when he finally left for good in January, he was still pointing his finger my way, broke my heart and left me devestated but I too am realising that I bought into an immature false marriage right from the start, always excusing his behaviour and I truly lost me on the way. Thankfully I am finding me again....thank you for your post, words of wisdom learned like us all, the hard way.. Hugs Lilly
