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This is only my second post, but I have been reading the forum for about 3 weeks now since my AH entered rehab. I have been reading the Al-Anon literature as well and really trying to begin working the steps.
My AH is currently on day 19 of a 28-day rehab program in another state. The last few days when I spoke with him he said many, many of the other residents were sick. I am guessing H1N1. He said so many of them have been taken off to doctors/hospitals and he heard they were considering quarantining them to their rooms. His story is that this would mean no meetings, group sessions, etc. Now he is sick. So guess what? He said he is meeting with his counselor in the morning and if that is the case he is coming home. ARrggh! Besides the fact that he really NEEDS another 9 days (oops, I guess that is a classic case of me trying to decide what is best instead of his HP, right?) I really don't want him home if he is sick with swine flu! We have a 5-year-old daughter to think about.
To make matters worse, his mother is visiting in the same state he is now (family there) and kindly offered to rent a car to drive him home! He has an airline reservation already made at the end of the program. Is it just me or is this woman really enabling him to give up and come home. Nothing like trying to make it really easy to quit the program.
I guess I really need some ESH to get over this rough patch. In my mind I know I cannot do anything to make him stay there, I just need a bit of support.
Your experience reminds me so much of mine when my AH went into detox this past summer. I do struggle with my own control issues (big time!) but it was so hard to sit back and let the process happen and not be involved. There was no official "family program" in detox, and I felt so left out to dry and as if I had no voice. To add to this, my AH was ugly on the phone to me while in the hospital and I had no idea if he was going to emerge from the detox process ready for recovery, or ready to resume drinking. When it was time for discharge, I phoned the nurse on the unit and respectfully stated that I would not be willing to have him back at home until I met with or at least spoke to a counselor involved in his treatment so I could learn his level of motivation for recovery and the proposed treatment plan for discharge. It sounds a bit codependent, but with all that I had been through, I felt entitled to know where we stand and where we were going.
It seems legitimate for you to be able to speak with someone involved in his care and express your concerns about the possibility of the premature discharge for a reason that is not based upon his treatment progress, but contagious illness. It sounds like his mother will probably be a factor from here on out in terms of enabling, so being able to set boundaries with her NOW will be important for you -- and with this situation, it is great practice! The bottom line is, and one that I struggle with every single day, is that this is HIS disease. Your husband has had enough inpatient treatment at this point to have tools for recovery and at least a basic understanding of his disease. Sick or not, discharging early or not, being driven home by his mother or not, only HE is going to be able to implement the next steps and utilize the tools for recovery. After 2 1/2 weeks in treatment, I am sure he has tools for sobriety.
I encourage you to read the Al-Anon daily readers...check the back index for readings on Let Go and Let God and worry -- those entries have been so helpful to me as I grapple with boundaries, letting my HP do his thing, and trying to be hands off of my AH choices and next steps.
All the very best to you as you embark on this next phase of your journey...
Yes, it does sound like mom enabling him, coming to his rescue with how to leave rehab - dont have to look far for enablers when mom/dad are right there (as always) to be available like that.
He is going to do what he is going to do. Living with active addiction makes us sick too. Try to focus on YOU and detach from what he is or is not doing. You having a program will help him more than anything.
The book Getting them Sober by toby rice drews helps whether they are active or not. This iste also offers a chat room with 24/7 chat and 2 daily mtgs - the live support is awesome!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have a really hard time working on what I can take care of. If your husband wants to bolt from the program no doubt he will. The issue is are you going to get involved in remonstrating with him or are you going to let him fall. I think that is why Toby Rice Drew's book Getting them Sober is so helpful. I think there are some great guidelines there for when to act and when to say nothing and get on with your own life.
Thanks all, a quick update. He is still in the program. His brother picked him up and took him to the doctor this morning. Well, apparently they would not accept his insurance (out of state) so instead of seeing the doctor, he decided to pick up som OTC stuff and go back to the rehab. Obviously, he is not THAT sick or he would have went ahead and been seen.
He is however mad at me. He called late last night and was quite perturbed that I just did not understand how bad it was to be sick and stuck in "that place" with no TV and nothing to do but lie sick in his room. (Can you hear the violins playing now?) I did not argue, I told him he was free to do whatever he chose. Then he said he would not be calling me back anymore. (I guess I need to find someone else to call late at night and yell at me)
So that is my update. No news is good news. Oh, I do have the book by Toby Rice Drew and I did get alot out of it. Sometimes though I just wish I had someone to tell me exactly what to do in a given situation. Thanks so much for the replies!
