The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has not had a drink in a few months. He went away on a 1 day business trip. He said he would call that night. There was no call and when I called him, there was no answer. I went to bed so nervous, I could not sleep. I called in the morning, he did not pick up. I texted him. By this time I was shaking; trembling so badly that I could hardly push the buttons. I was afraid something had happened to him or that he relapsed. He finally called me back, said he was in the shower. I asked why he didn't call me last night and he told me he forgot. I burst into tears asking how could you forget to call your wife? He was telling me he was sorry. I asked him if he was drinking (it all makes sense that he was drunk and couldn't hear the phone) He denied he was drinking. I cannot leave for financial reasons. I am not young. I need to know how to DETACH, so that I don't go into such a nervous panic. I need to live my life and not REACT to everything he does. Please help me.
Detaching was one of the first things I started working on and still 9 months later am working on. It's hard. I used google a lot read articles, listened at meetings to others. Asked others what they did to detach. I quit calling him when he was out, I started minding my own business. WHen I sat worrying what he was doing all night I wasted a whole night where I could have been doing something fun for me! If he fell passed out in the bathroom I would not wake him up anymore to go to bed; I would just get his blanket and cover him up. He asked me the next morning why didn't you wake me up I politely said well you fell asleep in the bathroom so I assumed that was where you wanted to be.
Live and let live. Live your life because nobody else is going to live it for you. And remember progress not perfection. It didn't take you a week to get to where you are it's not going to take a week to get you better.
It helped me to tell myself just for today I will not call when he goes out and is taking too long. Just for today I will do something for ME! ..
Go to face to face meetings! Keep posting here! Keep coming back to Alanon you are worth it!
Also wanted to add it took me awhile to get the HP part down, but now I can let go and give things up to my Hp I ask HP to help me detach, give me strength... HP listens you just have to ask!
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Wednesday 16th of September 2009 09:47:37 PM
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
The above response is an excellent overview of alanon and some of the simple tools that alanon offers that can enable us to live life with serenity, courage and wisdom.
Alanon meetings, sharing (as you have just done), praying and keeping the focus on myself released me from the terrible fear and anxiety that you just described.
You are not alone there is help Please keep coming back here and sharing.
Please if your not already find an Al-Anon meeting fast , there u will learn how to detach from people who have been where your at and will walk u thru it . you need support from people who have been there the anziety your feeling will dissapear when you understand a little about this disease. If he had been drinking there was nothing u could have done about it anyway . at some point your going to have to trust that he is telling the truth and if he isn't it will soon be revealed , this is his problem to fix absolutley nothing u can do about him . but alot you can do for yourself and our program will show u how .
I heard this story about detachment once in a meeting....
"My husband used to fall out of bed every night when drunk. I would get so upset that he would be on the floor and uncomfortable, but each night he would fall out of bed drunk. I would try very hard to pick him up to get him in bed, but ultimately I was not strong enough.
In learning to detach, I realized that I can't make my husband stop drinking and falling out of the bed. What I could do is easily step over him and also put a warm blanket on him while he slept on the floor. Detaching is not easy, but at least now it is both our choice on how we react."
I did not experience any detachment at all, until I set boundaries and followed through on them - as hard as it was to stand up for myself, when I did, I felt more free, I was giving myself respect which feels amazing and priceless. Focus on you, not what ur AH is doing or not doing. You are the only one u can control or change one iota. You are worth it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
