The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My story, like everyone elses, is a long story. So I will try to condence it as much as I can.(here is a bit of history and patterning that has once again come into my life and quite frankly I am sick of it. Thats why I am here.
(This is just the bad stuff, but there was some good stuff too. Sometimes the bad clouds all the good but I know the good is still there despite the gloom)
My moms dad was an alcoholic and physically and sexually abusive to my mom. A verry mean man he was. He was a Nazi in WW 11. I believed it warped and mutated his heart mind and soul. My mom was an alcholic and physically abusive. My dad was an underground alcoholic and my older brother sexually abused me for years.
When my dad died, I was 16 and started hitting the ddrugs and drink pretty hard for a few years. Abusive controling boyfriend, classic pamphlet symptoms of codependancy. My cousins and siblings were addicts, drugs drink, both.
I rose up out of the quagmire by refusing to have any contact with any of my family members for two years. Enouth time to know I deserved better. And I got it.
I have a wonderful husband who has a true and good heart and two beautiful daughters.
Several years ago, right after my mom died (Thank God!!!!!!!!!), I basically turned into a different person (litterally) went on a drinking binge and had an affair with a looser lower than dog doo on a shoe. (When I came out of it I felt just as worthless too).
My husband stuck with me and we worked are working it out, unfortunately when I told him I sliped into psychosis and ended up in the hospital. The dr was considering schitzophrenia. We waited for a year for more symptoms and I ended up having Bipolar 1.
I have had several more affairs since, some as a symptom of mania, acting out from PTSD and slipping into altered states from DID. (I was diagnosed with thoes during my second and third hospitializations). I am very resistant to believing that my chemical conditions have anything to do with my sexual indescretions because I am devoted to taking responsibility for the damage I have done to myself my family and even friends.
...And again my husband has stuck by me (God knows why? Either he loves me or needs me is crazy or is too scared to live with out me. Maby a little of all)
Last year and the year before my 13 year old was self harming and suicidal. She was hospitalized twice last year. My 11 year old acts like nothing is wrong and is straight edge all the way, trying to be perfect while the other three of us are like the Munsters.
... And of course my husband has worked his butt off to take care of us. Getting behind on his cases, not having time to prepairr for depositions trying so hard to do it all.
So originally what was once recreation has evoled into a crutch and an ecape. Now he drinks every evening not always getting hammered but definaltely enough to notice the change in his speech and personality and the way he acts. Recently he got a DWI and another time got drunk and fell into the grill burning his hand badly with grill lines like a hamburger.
I am very worried about him and we have talked about it. We both have been in therapy for 6-7 years and joint for about 2. My therapist suggested A-lanon meetings but I am not ready for that so here I am.
Do I blame myself for his drinking? Sometimes it's easy to do, as you can probably see how it could be. But mostly no. Does my condition and indescrete behavior cause him stress, my daughters emothinal problems, his job, his own issues? Absolutely. that's life, life for us all. What he chooses to do with his stress is his own responsibility, our own responsibility. Sounds good...I wish I believed it more often.
I feel tired, sad, downhearted, discouraged, lonly, like I don't know who Brett is anymore, Jeckle or Hyde? Helpless, monitoring the vibe between the kids and Brett evrn though he is a fun drunk I still sense some wierdness at times even if the kids cant totally form it. Freeking out because I have to have my gallbladder out soon and therre is another stressor for him, once again taking up the slack because of me (cuss word here!!!!)
I wont be able to drive for a while. I dont want Brett driving the kids around after he has been drinking. Screw it I think I will just tell the kids that dad is drinking too much and is sometimes too drunk to drive and if the kids ever feel unsafe don't drive with Dad. That feels right. Any thoughts on this?
If you have read all of this... Bravo Mate!!!! And many thanks for your time and energy!
In al anon we go by the three C's. we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. Most of us got here through a series of calamities. The important thing is that you are here and I have no doubt this program will help you with a lot of issues. Welcome.
