The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One thing I have uncovered is that I really expect that it is going to be me giving and getting very very little. Since I have put lots of bouncaries in place this is evident to me. My people pleasing was one way I thought I got something when in fact it was a way I exhausted myself. Boundaries are a tough one for me because they are pretty new and I am in foreign territory. I really do not expect a two way relationship. I expect to give till I bleed and receive a few drops of acknowledgement. I guess I set myself up a great deal with that kind of self destructive behavior. My focus used to be on the ex A because he was so out there and so blatantly self destructive. Lo and behold my own behavior is a real set up to feel like a victim day and night.
I know you don't believe in certain things the way I do, but your sentences... "I really expect that it is going to be me giving and getting very very little." "Lo and behold my own behavior is a real set up to feel like a victim day and night". Ouch!!
What "if" you believed differently? What "if" you expected good things? What "if" you believed good things are on their way? What "if" you attempted to catch yourself and replace thoughts that give you bad feelings with thoughts that bring you peace or joy...even if they are of imaginary thoughts of where you'd love to see yourself. Walking on a beach, in your own home, a big yard for the dogs to run, anything that brings you joy. I realize you may think that it is bunk..but what could be the harm in trying? You may be pleasently surprised at how it lightens habitual thought patterns and what it brings to you.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Tuesday 15th of September 2009 08:22:53 PM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Marisie, so what would it take to get you to allow someone to give to you?
You have been starved for so long I sure can understand your point.
I feel you deserve so much credit. You know I mean that.
Mary another thing, when a person volunteers or does something thoughtful for someone at work etc. they get more than they ever gave. Maybe a way to get used to getting back is to put yourself out there to people who appreciate you.
I hope you feel welcome here, and given support and care.
I hear you ((Maresie)) and I used to feel exactly the same.
But Christy is right. It wasn't until I began to visualise a better better future for myself and wake up to the reality that heck, I WAS worth more than that and I darned well deserved it..........that things changed.
Now I no longer accept crumbs because I know I am worthy of the whole deal. Nobody can demand respect,but they can certainly command it by the way they behave. And once I started to behave like I was in command,people responded accordingly.
Even on days when I didn't particularly feel that I was in command of myself, I visualised me being confident and lo and behold,it slowly became second nature. I was told it takes much practice to replace bad habits with good ones.....and I made this bad habit top of my priority list. Because I am worth it!
This was just one of the valuable lessons I learned here..........I'm still working on the rest!!! LOL.
Well its about behaving differently. I have to look at the group I was in, the therapy group. My automatic thing is to take care of others. Now I have to go about it differently. I have to go about it that I ask for stuff rather than to give it.
I'm afraid I gave till I dropped, at work, in relationships, where ever I am. I give give give and expect very little in return. My days of giving in hopes of getting something in return are long gone. I have to go about things differently and one is not to blindly give. I've been there, done that and been totally bankrupted as a result.
If we do what we've always done, we get what we've always gotten. So, Alanon suggests we do the opposite. The opposite is to think "GET" what ypu need. Visualize this person and that person Giving to you, see yourself GETTING. It takes time to catch yourself in the old thoughts and replace them, but after a while awareness of toxic thoughts are replaced with what it is you need..then somehow, things change, people and (the universe) respond. With practice, your whole perspective can change, along with everything else.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am so grateful for your shares. They really hit close to home for me. Lately I've been peeling back layers of me that are ugly and it has been challenging to accept them.
I read something yesterday that hit me between the eyes. I was a people pleaser because I didn't like confrontation. I wanted other people to like me and I believed that if I always pleased then I could conceal what I believed to be my dark, rotting core. Thank you for your share again.
