The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am on day 8 of the journey of self improvement, finished the first book and going to re-read the highlights and do some of the exercises in there. I have been doing the diet like a diet nazi and exercising in some form every day (this weekend was walking on the beach and boogie boarding). I have lost 6 pounds in the past 8 days, not sure how long that can continue for but I'm hoping the whole 90 days! I have quit smoking and drinking and have been out several times with my smoking drinking friend and done just fine. It gets easier each time.
I am still doing the yo yo thing with the ex boyfriend. I texted him to ask if we could be friends and he said okay after telling me a week earlier that he means it this time... leave him alone... Soooooo, I tried to set up a hang out time and he always bails on me and says he has something else to do which leaves me feeling as though he doesn't value me at all AGAIN. So the last text I sent him said ok then you just give me a call when you decide you want to do something - and he said ok...
I'm giving him til Sunday to call and then I'm shutting every door to him. We are friends on myspace and facebook again and have had a couple of civil chats since Wed. I just don't know how long I can go on feeling like a yoyo. I love the boy but he's causing me emotional distress by behaving as if I never mattered to him. I think that he honestly doesn't know what he's doing. He always leaves a door of communication open but he never initiates anything. Well that's not true, once he showed up at the dance club (he doesn't dance) knowing I would be there and we danced for hours like old times... he looked so sad and I can see it in his eyes every time I look at him that he still has it for me but he swears he's not fighting himself.
So I'm not saying a peep until Sunday (he doesn't know he has this deadline, it's mine not his) and then blocking him online, on my phone, etc. and making NO effort to have anything to do with him. I find it really disappointing and frustrating that he can't even be a friend. In reality, I think he is scared to be in my presence because he might have to feel something - GOD FORBID!!! I also think he's afraid to let me go - as he should be - we had something great that doesn't come along very often and as he gets older he'll see that nothing compares. I kind of feel sorry for him, that's usually a good sign that the bitterness is leaving and I'm about to move on.
I am still doing the yo yo thing with the ex boyfriend. I texted him to ask if we could be friends and he said okay after telling me a week earlier that he means it this time... leave him alone... Soooooo, I tried to set up a hang out time and he always bails on me and says he has something else to do which leaves me feeling as though he doesn't value me at all AGAIN. So the last text I sent him said ok then you just give me a call when you decide you want to do something - and he said ok...
Dear CG
I am confused! If he says to me "leave him alone" why would I want to keep the discussion going?
I know from past experience that if a relationship does not work out, keeping a dialogue open only gives me pain and stress- As a codependent it is very hard for me to let go, but as I get more practiced at it, my stress levels are way down from my earlier days in recovery- Now I can detach from unhealthy people and situations when I look at it through recovery eyes and not my own coda eyes!
I met a nice guy at a b-day party this summer- He and I "clicked" and he asked me out for a movie and dinner- He is the brother of my friend who lives next door-
We did not make a definite date, just that he wanted to take me out for dinner and a movie- I liked him! I had many times seen him at my friends house and we would talk and he would always be a gentlemen to me, light drinker, divorced 8 years, educated, loves children and pets and takes good care of himself, seemed healthy and even goes to church, etc., and seemingly a nice "catch".
I ran into him at my friend's house and he told me that he could really like me and wasn't ready to start anything yet because he had things to take care of first- I said "ok" and I left it at that- I see him next door- I wave and walk on! If I visit my friend and he is there, I am nice yet I give him his space! I am there to see my friend, not him!
I have had breakups with relatives, friends, guy friends and when it is over it is over! If they don't want me that is their right and its my pain and stress if I keep picking up that hot pan off the stove and I keep getting burned!
Did you ask your sponsor about this? What did she/he say? It sounds to me like what I used to do! Keep the dialogue open when it is only hurting me and I need to move on and like the slogan says "live and let live"! When one has hurt me before, I guard my heart until they have shown "sustained good fruit"- Until then? I keep my distance and if they have been harmful to me, I just walk away and move on!
I hope this gave you some food for thought! I ask my 2 sponsees when they are about to "repeat pain" Why do they think it is going to be any different this time? why do they think that they will be spared repeat pain this time? What sustained proof of change has the other person shown to make me want to risk my heart again?
In recovery,
Neshema
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm seeing things Neshema's way too...and I'm going to talk like I would to any of my fellow Alanon GF's or as my Sponsor would talk to me. It's not personal.
He told you last week "he is done and means it, leave him alone" (his boundary?). You then contacted him again anyway, seemingly ignoring his wishes. He has stated what he wants. You wonder why he's making excuses?
Asking someone to be friends shouldn't be the same as asking for a commitment to see you, or else!! In most cases, after a breakup it means "can we be civil and move on?" Not, I'm going to commit to hang out with you again. .
You're giving him until Sunday?? Can he not be your friend w/o demands and conditions? If you truly wanted to be "friends" and leave it at that, I don't understand the Sunday deadline or any forced meeting to be with you.
What's the real motive? He has stated clearly what he wants, has even bent a bit to say you could be friendly.
A "friend" would have no expectations or no mental deadlines unless it was him that was making the plans and not showing up. He's not asking to see you... Hence, the excuses.
Take what you like and leave the rest...
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Tuesday 15th of September 2009 01:16:15 PM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
For me it hurt my ego to be pushed away. I kept going back until I could be the one to shut the door and push them away.
I needed to realize that when it was over - it was over. All that behavior did was hurt everyone involved and made the situation drag on longer than it should have.
tlc
OMG!! TLC you really , thank you, thank you, gave me an eye-opener as to why I have to "have the last word" = EGO!
I have improved on this area, much, but it was more of self preservation than really seeing the mechanics as to the why I would react the ways in which I did
Living in a strict family where our own father would literally put his hand over our mouths so we could not speak while he raged and intimidated us poor kids and imposed his will on us! We were to be seen and not heard! No choices at all caused something inside of me to say, when I left home "I am going to have the last word! Not you" Like I had to strike the "last blow"! Be the one with the power!
Also the "rejection" trigger and I also think that I, too, had to be the one to do the "throwing away" rather then them doing it to me! Now, looking at your post, I am thinking "why would I care who does the releasing as long as I am not in a bad situation?" Its almost like, in my ego and pride, I can almost "see them" enjoying their "victory" over having thrown me in the trash- There again! Why should I care? I am free to keep my serenity and make myself open for a better relationship!
My sponsor, when a relationship proves to be sour or going sour, just sets boundaries and if that does not work, she just quietly walks away and refuses to keep the "fires burning"! Now I see her wisdom!
Thank you for this lesson about ego!
Neshema
-- Edited by neshema2 on Tuesday 15th of September 2009 01:51:23 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I see this, my agenda is to see us back together I guess that's why I keep pushing. I feel torn between cutting it off all together and trying to keep the doors of communication open. I definitely HEAR what you're saying about EGO, Having the last word and being the one to do the throwing away! The relationship was good and then one day it was just over, but yet never completely over. My deadline is for me not for him. I think I probably need to sever all ties for my own serenity and if he wants me back he knows where to find me. It's just hard to let go completely. I feel that is the end of all hope for us I guess. I keep thinking of all the things I want to say but I decided when I do this I'm saying nothing, just doing it - disappearing quietly without a peep. I need to release him and get on with my life but I just can't seem to cut every cord.
I guess after the 7 levels of hell that I have been through before this seems like a cake walk. But, you're right, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, I want him to want me again and these mixed signals keep making me question and think maybe he really does still want me deep down. But then who wants to have to dig for it? The more time goes by the easier it gets, I think I'm close to being "done".
I understand - been there done that ... over and over and over. You will be done when you are done.
Question is - do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Don't I deserve better? Actually my question was - do I want to be with someone who is unfaithful, dishonest, abusive, unsuccessful professionally and personally, embarrassing to be with in public . . . on and on. But my circumstances were pretty rocky... And I still kept going back. So I get it, believe me. Not judging at all. Just asking you the questions I wished I had asked myself.
Dear CG
I am not judging either, but as a fairly long term "lurker" on this board, I read your post, a while back, about having to get checkups for sexual diseases! I don't know you but I was very concerned for you! I think, and this is just my humble opinion, that it is a blessing he does not want you! You are better than that! I truly hope that you get to see that you deserve someone who is going to love and cherish and protect you and not make you feel bad about yourself and create problems between you and your children and for sure, not threaten your health with fooling around!
I have been reading for months before I got up the nerve to start posting and I felt , when reading your posts, that I was reading my own daughter! She is 31! And was involved with and even married a guy so similiar to this man you have been describing in your posts and not only did he abuse her but he did give her a sex disease!
Thank God it was the curable kind, but he did! And to add to her pain, he did the same "push away- come to me" game with her! Like trauma bonding! He would throw out a crumb of niceness to her and then she would respond with hope and then he would destroy her again! I thought she was going to have a breakdown over this awful person! I have a good friend, in her city, who is a trucker and I very nearly sicked him on this guy to keep her from further harm! God must have realized that I was reaching the end of my rope and intervened because after that, she got rid of him for good!
I sent her money to divorce the parasite and just thanked God that she was finally rid of him!
I will pray for you to release this pain giver and move on! My daughter did and is regaining her equilibrium after all the head games he did to her! She even told me that at her church there was a 12 step program and she signed up for it!
CG! There are good guys and gals out there and all of us on this board, who love ourselves enough to try to become healthier and better people, deserve nothing but the best!
You are in my prayers,
Neshema
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
For me when someone pushes me or tries to force me to reply or act the way they think I should act, I tend to turn tail and run. Trying to make someone behave the way we want them to or expect to only leads to disappointment and hurt. I am not saying that when one is abused or being disrespected they should allow that to continue. On the contrary. That isn't healthy.
You have left the lines of communication open. If he calls then the choice is yours to either pick up or not. If he doesn't, then there is nothing you can do about it. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Back off CG, and give him some room. He has told you honestly that he is through and wants you to leave him alone. Be true to yourself, and honor his wish. If it is meant to be, your paths will cross again. If they don't, you will still have your pride intact.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thanks guys, the prayers must have worked.... I think the sheer number of people praying I would let him go and do better has caused a reaction LOL. All my friends, everyone at work, everyone here... I feel so relieved.
I have quit smoking and drinking and have been out several times with my smoking drinking friend and done just fine. It gets easier each time. 
