The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my first F2F meeting tonight, and I have to say that it was awesome. Such nice people there. I am encouraged by the women there who are still married to their husbands and seem to be happy. O, serenity! What a seredipity that I found it!
I'm not worried about my STBAH. He's going to be just fine, or he won't be. BUt I have no control over that. All I can do is look for this patch of sun, and he'll let me. Hell, he doesn't care what meetings I go to, or about all the psychobabble I might come home sounding like. But he can sense my serenity, I can tell he can feel it. I told him I have been coming to Al Anon on line, and he sorta had to go all of a sudden, that was a while ago. I think he thought I was joining a group to figure out how to get him to stop his addictiv behaviors. But I told him "I'm just doing it to take care of myself." and he seemed to understand. He knows the score. He knows he's an addict-- he's the one to proclaimed it to me. And he knows he's got a smart cookie in me, and that I need to take care of myself. I learned a long time ago that when a man tells me something about himself, I better listen and take it as the truth. Wasted too much time embellishing for men who told me right off what they are and I brushed it under a rug. SOme situations are toxic for me-- abuse is toxic for me-- I left an abusive relationship 5 years ago-- but even that man I now see has some addiction issues-- not so much with drugs but with his patterns of thinking, his style of dealing with problems, with negative feelings. At the beginning of that relationship, he told me he had issues. I didn't listen. Big mistake!
I love him, I don't like his addictions. But I am choosing him anyway. I don't expect a lot, and it's nice, it's actually really liberating to not have a bunch of expectations I can check off a list as met or not met. Who wants to be a bean counter like that anyway? I've given it all to god to take care of, because God really does know what he's doing regarding me. I am his humble servant, and I shine most when I can feel that I am doing his work. Oddly, I feel like loving this man is some of God's work. He's a good man, folks. Screwed up all to heck, you better beleive it. But the size of the heart in him! O, it's formidable! And the amount of patience is great too. He's been gone for 10 days and I miss him greatly. I can't wait to touch him. He told me last night on the phone that he was sitting on a knoll, watching the sunset and drinking a few beers. I didn't shame him, I didn't tsk tsk him. I just said it sounded like a pleasant mellow evening. And it did! IT still does. I am not going to live my life thinking he'll change or life would be perfect Only If... I am here to love him, and I do beleive that is what God wants me to do.
I don't know when the next meeting is, or if I can make it. But I'm looking forward to it! Woops
So glad that you enjoyed your first meeting. I always thought of how interesting it is that the circumstances haven't changed at all, but like the characters in the Wizard of Oz..It (the change) was within them the whole time.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Wow your first meeting you sound like a pro!!! it took me a long time to realise I could not control the drinker or get him to stop. Good for you keeping the focus on the things you can change you, your life etc. The meetings only got better for me. ever one I go to the topic seems to be just what i need. I always take something home with me that helps me to get happier/healthier. I now attend 2 a week if i can and if my mind starts going off track i ring my sponsor she soon helps me to become rational again. I love it when someone finds the programme i hope you get everything from it I have and more
Hey thank you. You know, it's not my first day at the fair regarding support groups, so I suppose I sorta knew the basics. Usually tho, the first meeting at a group, I would come home just sad and exhausted emotionally. But this wasn't like that. It was... inspiring! Then when I got home, I talked to STBH and he was griping about work for a while, and all I had were encouraging words and honest enthusiasm for what he does and where he's at in life right now. I didn't go on an on...
You know, I was thinking that I have his bike and I should take it to the bike shop for a tune up so that when he gets back to town we can do some riding. but then I thought "Why am *I* taking his bike in? It's his bike, he's a grown man!" So then he asked me if it was in the shop and I said no, that I didn't want to start taking responsibilities away from him. Then he actually asked me if I'd take it in, and I said yes, I would, since you asked. Also, I'm busy looking for a place to live. I don't have time to take it in. He understood that, but when I said the bit about not wanting to take responsibilites away from him, he did the "I gotta go" thing to me again! He's so funny about that! He's afraid to talk about the "elephant in the living room" but I am not! It's not like his addictions are problems for me. And if he's into them, he can have those problems! I go to Al Anon for me, and I am doing what I can to take care of myself. I'm not perfect, but what good am I to anyone if I'm not taking care of myself? I can't let his problems become mine, I started to do that when he first told me of his addictions, and it wrecked me, emotionally, and made me act all crazy. I was always trying to find the phrase, or the "in" to get him to get help. No more. I love him, as he is, whether he changes or not. I do this because he loves me, the way I am... not 29 pounds lighter, not wealthy or poor, fertile or unfertile, brain or no brain, sick or healthy. I would like to tell him all this, but I think he is still too freaked out to talk about it.
So, I have no control over where he's at with me taking care of myself, if he likes it, if he thinks it's a good idea to in Al Anon or not... and it really doesn't matter to me. I'm not going to become sick with his problems. My sanity... well, it's just to important to me. I have enough mental health issues of my own, thank you very much!
