The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The weekend started out well, but ended with a BANG!
The new man I had been seeing for the past two months and I went to my son's game Sat morning, his daughter's game Sat afternoon, then to DQ. We met later that night at his house and left for a movie-our first "real" date without kids. Movie sucked and afterward we went back to his place and were watching TV. Throughout the day several different things I had said or doen throughout the day apparently "irritated" him, as he mentioned. He has ben having some problems with his teenage daughter so I was trying not to take his mood personally-but that didn't work. Before we left for the move he snipped at me and said "well maybe we just shouldn't go" and I said maybe we shouldn't then.
One thing led to another, and I ended up just walking out of his house, after of course banging the door shut on my way, and going home. On the way home he texts me and says "I certainly didn't want you to leave. Please call me"...I waited til about 1/2 hr later and texted him back telling him "actions speak louder than words. Goodnight" I was hurt and was not going to discuss it with him, at this point I was trying to THINK.
So I never heard from him all day yesterday, and I was not about to call when I still feel he owes me an apology.....Then today I log onto my space and see where he changed his relationship status back to single, and here for dating and serious relationships. That made me mad so I sent a not so nice email, then stopped to THINK and sent one that explained my feelings, etc and told him that I wouldn't bother him again ashe has made his feelings or lack thereof clear on the world wide web. I also apologized for my part in Sat evenings events. Again I have not heard any word from him all day, not an email, a text or nothing...
I made amends for my part in things. I emailed and expressed what I needed to. (We've had arguments before -twice-and I've always been the one to apologize.....it can't always be me-I'm not always at fault.)
And now here I am trying to THINK it through again. I mean here's what I see......he had a fight with his mom on vacation in Hawaii and left there without a good bye to her and hasn't spoken to her since-months ago. He had a huge falling out Friday night with his teenager daughter because she deleted him and blocked him from her myspace and no longer wants to see him on weekends because she doesn't feel she is treated fairly there(he has a younger daughter by another woman and feels the younger child gets away with more), and ended up leaving her house apparently in such a ruckus that the new stepfather called him and asked him to NOT make a scene and yell and spin gravel in front of his neighbors, and now he treats me like he did Sat and sat night (not saying I was faultless as I'm sure I can accept my part in it and did). I seems like he is pushing away or running from anyone and everyone that cares about him so he has relationship issues that do not involve me. After the time we spent together alone and doing family things with our children I feel I deserve better than a status change on the world wide web to tell me we are over.....RIGHT????? I am hurt and I am dumbfounded how the same man can be calling and texting me night and day and taking me to lunch daily and sending me roses and then just up and vanish after an argument and basically not even have the nerve to call or email me and tell me it's over-that just plain hurts!
I am trying my best right now to grasp this behavior, this hurtful and heartless behavior. I trust that my HP wants only the best for me and trust in His will for me but this just hurts. I will miss his younger daughter tremendously, she is a good kid and took to me like her own mom (her mother has RX drug issues and she lives with her and her grandparents). I realize that if a man would just shut down contact with his mother over a disagreement and his own daughter that I'm not really anything after two months, and that it's better to hurt a little now than a lot later, and that I deserve better than someone who would just act like we never met and not even offer a goodbye-but still it hurts. Why would he behave so immaturely and be so delibertely hurtful knowing all the hurt my exabf caused me with myspace? Maybe I just plain suck at picking out decent men cause I really thought this guy was one....
Any ESH would be GREATLT appreciated........just feeling really down and hurt right now..... Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
You have analized and justified this guy better than any psychologist could after just 2 months. Now, what about you? You said you were looking for your own part in this, but all you told about was his part and why he must be acting the way he is.
What about you? You said you were hurt, and you thought you deserved better...so, go do better!!
For me, involving kids is a HUGE step and not one I would ever take lightly. I would have to be dating a guy for many many months before I introduced them to my kids. I was just about to go out with a guy who, before I ever even met him in person, wanted to take me and my kids with him and his kids to the fair!! BIG RED FLAG!!! Not that I think he is a perv or anything, just that I want to keep my kids emotionally safe also and a guy I am dating is not necessairly someone I am going to be into in the long term.
I have found most of these guys to be wanting a replacement mommy or wife. Me? Not interested. I want a partner, a friend, another adult who has a life and isn't looking to just jump co-dependently into mine.
I'm sorry y'all were fighting, but you do know that you don't have to fix him, right? I know for me, a man behaving that way would have simply been a challenage for me and I wouldn't have seen it as a warning (and then I would have married him...LOL!!!)
I'm sorry you are hurting. I understand, I've been dating a man for months and one thing led to another, everything seemed GREAT. I blinked and he was depressed, drinking ... everything i never wanted to see again in my life. I tried justifying, analyzing and outright excusing his behavior but the truth is no matter how I try to figure it out, this way of life is just not acceptable to me. It hurts my head and heart. Distancing myself and asking him to moveout and feeling hurt over losing what i thought was a good thing stinks too but not as much as living it for an extended period of time. Congrats to me ... a little over 10 months and I figured out I can't and don't want to fix him, way better than 15 years with my EXAH. LOL
I hope your day gets much better and you find wonderful ways to spoil yourself for a little while!
sorry this has happened shelly. Emotional maturity is under rated and I have found that a lot of people (especially outside of program) are simply not as honest or willingness to be emotionally responsible/mature.
As I set boundaries, when I was dating different people, the time was getting shorter & shorter - as I could see their behavior more clearly - and begin to identify who was sick in the head. I have no interest in being with someone that is unwilling to own up to their stuff.
Keep weeding out and showing HP that u are learning in program - I felt like when that happened to me that HP was making sure I really would weed or boundary out toxic people & in time I found a honesty healthy "regular" guy. For a while I was thinking Id have to find another alanon bc I just cant handle being lied to anymore at all.
Yeah, when I read what u sd about him & his mom, talk about red flags! My mom always told me to study how a guy treats his mom bc that is how he will treat you.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Sorry he Chose the Route He did to put you back into a Rewind from your Last Experience... As Stated above, you need to take care of you....
A Man that can "Dismiss" with out any reason or Logic, frankly in my mind is not a Man at all, weather the relationship was a week long or a year... We all have bad days were someone or something Ticks us off, but taking it out on someone that isn't desirving of it, isn't exceptable.. So... I will keep you in my prayers, and It hurts me that you have to go thru something so soon, with something that made you happy in the beginning... But YOU Are WORTH IT, and You just need to get back to doing what you do Best, and that is raising your boy not to be one of those men, and Loving yourself for who and what you are and have become...
Not much in the way of es&h here for you as I'm not up to dating yet. I see from your post a man who doesn't seem able to cope with any of the females in his life. That silent treatment sulking thing would be a definate red flag for me.
Like you, I too am a 'do as you would be done by' person and it always hurts when people behave in a less than kind way. (((((Shelly)))) set them boundaries and set them strong YOUR WORTH IT.
If someone left my home and slammed the door on the way out, then after I apologized and said I didn't mean for them to leave...and then that person came back with "actions speak louder then words."
I gotta be honest. I wouldn't gravel nor sign up for the drama.
The trick is not to have a part in it to apologize for.
My ES&H?..read tiredtonites recent post.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
this is such a great place to air out some of our emotions that fog our minds and prevent us from being able to sort through our own mess. I always appreciate others feedback, so that I can come back to a situation and look at it from a different angle.
I have a lot of experience intertwining myself with the choas and drama of relationships, not even knowing that Im doing it and certainly not being able to understand how to get out of it. I hope that coming on the boards here and to meetings will give me pro-active tools, little by little, how to not make the "dramatics" worth it anymore. I am certainly not there yet, where I want to be, but like you, its a journey of progress not perfection, right?
Knowing this about myself, knowing that my relationships do not always work out as I initially planned, although I have no interest in dating at this time, I too have a promise to myself, to never involve my child in any of my romantic relationship trials, if I ever do date. I know that the circumstances of my childs life have been confusing and hectic and chaotic enough at times, that I certainly don't want to add into their lives my romantic relationships, of which may or may not work out. I certainly don't want to add having to deal with my sexuality and need for intimacy, into my childs repetoir of issues to deal with. I view grown up relationships as my own...private....for me to enjoy....time for myself....time that doesn't have anything to do with me being a Mom. It would be a very, very long time before I would introduce my child to a romantic partner...probably only if I thought I was going to marry him....and only then. If the relationship didn't work out, I wouldn't want my child to have to suffer that loss. Rora
Let me put it to you this way. If your children treated another person the way this person has treated you, what would you tell them? For me, recovery is about taking back the life I so richly deserve. Nobody deserves to be treated this way and that includes you. You are much more worthy than that. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am the queen of over reactions. I know when I feel like over reacting I have to actually take stock and not act on it. That's the only ESH I have. I could go on for hours justifying my over reactions but really I have to be responsible for my own behavior not for others and then take their inventory.
