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Hi all, new here. Just looking for some support and advice. Some history...
I have been divorced almost 2 years now and my short marriage was hell. My XAH was verbally abusive to both myself and my son who was very young at the time. My XAH was not serious about getting help at all and even slept with someone in his AA group telling me she had "13 stepped" him, making it her fault that he was unfaithful. But that was not the first time he had been unfaithful, there were a total of 7 times that I know of and he was also a meth user. Throughout my marriage, I lost my house (that I bought as a single Mom), car, pets, moved away to get away from it all (he followed with all kinds of promises) and am now finally seeing the light of day. I have not dated seriously since the end of that relationship as I have been quite gun shy.
Recently I started seeing someone who is a recovering A. He is very serious about recovery, has spent 4 months in rehab and is now living in a sober house about an hour from where I live. He is a hard working man, loves his kids and he is no stranger to me because we went to high school together and I know he has a good heart. He has completely changed his life to help facilitate sober living and I admire his dedication.
My concern is that I know I had some enabling behaviors with my XAH and I don't want to repeat that pattern. I also have fears about "what if" he has a relapse and falters in his recovery.
My other concern is that I drink on occasion. About once every month or two I go out with friends and that is usually to a bar for drinks. Will this hinder his recovery if I continue? How much will I have to alter my life to make this relationship work should it progress? With my X, I quit drinking and even became reclusive not talking to friends and family because I was afraid that it would make it harder for my X to stay sober.
I also have a large family that I am very close to and many of them drink at family functions. If this relationship continues, will I not be able to bring him around my family because of that?
We have not discussed any of this, and I don't want to push him into a formal relationship if it will be a detriment to his recovery but I can't help but wonder all of these things.
Sorry for all the questions and thanks for listening.
If your friend is commited to sobriety he will make a commitment every day to not drink , alcohol is everywhere he will ahve to make the choices for himself , if he chooses not to go , plan B you go alone .\ He is safley tucked into a sober living home which means he is not sober long and has a pretty safe enviorment to live in , real life hasnt quite hit him yet . If he has a relapse it is his problem let him work it out for himself -- if you continue in this relationship find your own program of recovery , Sobriety is not the answer to all of l ifes problems . your ex was alcoholic so it will help u to understand what happened to you in that relationship . Al-Anon will help keep the focus on yourself and not on the alcoholic , you cannot change another person the only person u can change is you . For my family when my husb quit drinking neither our sons or myself drink around him out of respect for his dedication for sobriety . were all diff u do what works for you .
I agree with Abby, the choices are his alcohol is everywhere....you can not escape it...and his recovery is on him no matter what you do.
Maybe try and take this very slow after all he is still in the very beginning of recovery. Should we have to change our lives after we find recovery for someone else??????
You have been down this road with x make sure this is what you want...relapse is a part of recovery...unfortunately....
My program is about taking care of myself. Focusing on the fact that I have no clue what others need helps me a great deal, especially if they haven't directly asked.
Thank you everyone. It can be a sticky situation and again, I do not want to be a hinderance to his sobriety in any way. It was hard for me with the XAH to understand that I had no bearing on whether or not he chose to drink and that often times, my "helping" was enabling. That control is difficult to give up.
I have made a conscious decision not to push my friend into one definition of a relationship. He will tell me what he is ready to handle. I will stand by and support him and leave his choices up to him. It's just nice to talk to people who are in this type of situation per se. Kindof clears up the murkiness (sp?) of how to go about having a relationship with a recovering A.
I still have tons of questions.....wonderings. I try not to talk about when he was drinking as I know he carries some shame with that and it's best he sort through that with someone trained to listen. I have made peace with the fact that he will talkto me about it when he's ready.
Recently I started seeing someone who is a recovering A. He is very serious about recovery, has spent 4 months in rehab and is now living in a sober house about an hour from where I live. He is a hard working man, loves his kids and he is no stranger to me because we went to high school together and I know he has a good heart. He has completely changed his life to help facilitate sober living and I admire his dedication.
Dear Wanton:
Another poster said "relapse is part of the package"- I am paraphrasing, however the message is clear- Are you sure you want to get into this? How long as he been in recovery? Does he have a sponsor?
As the X wife of an alcoholic, I don't believe I would venture into that territory again, as I know that relapse is very high percentage- However, if I was really determined, I think I would put him on a probationary period of no less then 2 years sobriety- He is going through a lot of change- Complete life overhaul- My sponsor told that when I entered recovery, do not get into any man-woman relationships until I was in recovery for min. 2 years- Why not place that condition on another?
There is a reason my sponsor told me that- I had to focus on me and make the necessary changes in my life patterns before I could even think of being able to hold up my end of the relationship- Your guy is going through great changes- I would let him "show me" before I went in that direction-
I don't believe that I would, at this juncture in my life, be interested in taking that risk again in regards to dating a recovering NA or A- It is just too risky and I have assets and do not want to lose what I have worked so hard, building up after my first alcoholic and I split- Also, even more important, I have serenity in my life because I made the changes needed for my life's better quality and one of those changes was changing my choices of whom I allow in my close circle and also refraining from being involved with people who are high risk for crisis-
Please take what you can use and discard the rest and good luck in whatever you choose to do
Neshema
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you Nechema, those questions have crossed my mind. It scares me to death to go through the same thing that I allowed my XAH to put me through and it's taken a lot to swallow my responsability in that and to get myself back to a comfortable place.
I cannot say for sure what this is, only that I am not lableing it as of yet and taking it slow. I do believe that he is serious about recovery. He's had relapses before and finaly made the real commitment to go to inpatient rehab and now a sober living house.
