The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well the shat hit the fan as some of you know was having some problems with daughters boyfriend...well the other day he was drunk...yuk....was going to drive....him and my son got into a fist fight because son was not going to let him drive drunk it was awful....his friend finally came and got him...
Next day he came back I'm sorry...you know how many times we have all herd that one. So I laid some new ground rules...told him I know you are 21 but you are not allowed to drink alcohol in my home....I will not live like that ever ever again....been there done that for way to many yrs...if you are going to drink don't come here...he agreed of course what choice did he have.......I am still no so sure about him but my daughter seems to be in love....I don't think he is an alcoholic this is the first time in 4 months i have seen him drunk.
Anyway, was on my daughter big time about him, wrong move I know...so today I decided to let it go....I still require him to pay me for living here and i told him so again haven't seen a penny and he got paid..decided to give it one more week....and no longer...it's just a matter of principal now.
My daughter is 19 and at that age we can not always see the forest thru the trees.....so I am just going to love and support her....I am not ready for her to leave just yet.....and that is a fact as well....she's a good kid just want her to finish school and take care of her daughter.....I can see the more I push the further she goes I do not like the tension this is causing...she is her fathers daughter and I never realized how much until now.... She looks like me ..but she acts like him....oh dear gawd.
I wish there was a magic wand I can wave in front of her and protect her however, this is the real world and life is a learning experience....when I was her age I was living in Florida I am from PA....so I am grateful she is still here....I am grateful she is not married yet.....although I think he is pushing this issue....dear gawd.....he has a good job and can easily support them only I am not ready to let go.....she is not ready to go not mature enough in my opinion.......
It has been two yrs since her dad my husband has passed and honestly we are just beginning to heal as a family......
Andrea, I can relate to much of what you are saying. My 21 year old daughter still lives at home with me, though with no children, and no BF living here either, which will never be an option.
It has been so difficult for me to keep my hands off of her decisions and consequences. She too is immature in many ways.
Hugs from one mom to another!
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
you sound lovingly strong. Great share. Glad you are sticking to your boundaries.
What I see is he is in no way ready to be married! Here he is living off his girlfriends mom! In my opinion a "man" does not do that.
Even if he pays you, what is that saying about his maturity to cont. to live there?
I do relate to what makes you allow it.I understand your feelings. I am saying only neither of them are ready. Sadly people don't believe they must be married before they live together.
But that would be a Noneya from my son....haha none of ya's business! (o:
It is so neat you are feeling better and healing up as best you can. Two years is not a long time at all in the grieving process.
Aloha Andrea...sigh! Sounds like the perverbial "rock and a hard place" from my past. Here is a recovery message..."alcoholism is a progressive disease" what you see here today in the picture is different tomorrow. One of the reasons I got swept up in the disease was that I didn't know what it was, what it was supposed to look, sound and smell like and my own lack of awareness in making my decisions. You're right in your hindsight...No More!! from anyone.
Your daugther is Al-Anon and Alateen age. The rooms can offer her much more than you can yourself. She will learn well from others she is not so close to.
Keep the boundaries up and remember don't create a prision for yourself.
awwwwww Andrea ,there is a magic wand , its called detachment . (hugs) and your right the more u push the further she will go . this may help a little I found this in a old forum .
The more I try to open someones eyes , the more they close thier ears.
You have a great relationship with your daughter and beautiful grand babby , and you have shown her by example how to be strong and survive , u have shown her how to set boundaries * husband* you have taught her compassion ,- *bringing hubby home again * and you have shown her how to love someone without loosing your self , pray that she has been watching . Shes gonna do what she's gonna do . she also knows there is help for her should things become rough in the future . oh yeah and she also has a Higher Power , I always forgot that . Love Louise
Nobody is ever ready to let the people they love go. It's called love and compassion. At some point my friend, you will have to.
You did the right thing by setting those boundaries. This is your house. You pay for it. You and the kids have been through enough. Stick to those guidelines. They will see you through. They are both adults. They have choices to make. Allow them the diginity of making those choices whatever they may be. Give that grand baby an extra hug & kiss for me. Much love and blessings to you and your family. GO EAGLES!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for all the wonderful words of wisdom.......I am hoping and praying I taught her well....she has to make her own mistakes I know.......and I am sure God will guide her in the right direction.
Oh, she starts work today......so that is also a blessing I called a friend she owns a little store and she hired her...God does work...So between school and the job she will be very busy am so happy.
It sounds like you are really in a difficult spot. Having someone you love with "tunnel vision" is not a good place to be at all. Especially when you have "been there and done that" before. In reading what you said, I have to remember that everyone has his/her own higher power. My husband has his own who I, at times, wish I could give some advice, has his own plan much like your daughter. She has had you for a mother so I am sure she knows what the disease of alcoholism looks like through what your family has endured. It is also hard to watch someone make mistakes but her HP has her interest at heart I believe.
What a difficult issue. Does it have to be that she will side with him. I do well remember being 19 and eager to take on the world and not having a clue. I did not have a caring and loving mother like you however.
I know you have been through so much in the last few years. This must be very hard for you. I am glad you are leaning on the group.
