The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi family, I am ready to share what has been happening in my life.
My husbands disease has taken full control over him and he has been going further and further into his disease for a while now. I have been struggling with asking him to leave or not. What is best for the kids and I was a fight in my head and heart.
I love him and hate this disease. I also have been fighting my disease and the biggest symptom that I am in the midst of my disease and drowning is that I isolate.
I have thrown myself into my face to face meetings, which is why I have not been around in the room or on the board. I have slowly been coming back to the board, and slowly reconnecting with people that I had stopped reaching out to. I have reconnected with my religious family that I know adds to my spiritual fitness and my overall recovery. I am working with a sponsor more now that I have ever before. I can say from my experience that this program truly does work if you work it.
I have learned the importance of keeping my mouth shut and also the power of forgiving myself for being human when I slip and open my mouth. I have also seen that this focus on not saying anything when I am full of anger has helped me to not say the hateful things I used to say when I would yell at him. I have learned how to not let my words be full of poison. And I pray that I will never forget this hard learned lesson.
My husband and I got into an argument on Monday. He left for work and he asked me to tell him when he got home what I really wanted. When he came home I asked him (knowing full well what the answer was going to be) if he would please stop using. He told me no he would not. I stopped my part of the conversation there. If he wasn't willing to stop using and work on him, there was nothing else to do. All the things that I wanted from our relationship all the changes I believe I need could not be tangible without his willingness to change. I knew if he said yes to my question then that would be the start of a really long journey that I was willing to take. I have learned to let him go not because I want to, but because I have to.
And by the grace of my HP I am learning to reach out for help. I can see how it helps and I can see the benefits. This asking for help has been the stumbling block that has slowed my recovery for years. I am now in a position where I need the help and am aware that without the support I need I will be moving backwards while fighting to move forward. Right now I am living with the comfort of what happens when you reach out.
My face to face Al-anon family has always told me how strong I am. I have struggled with this. No matter what was going on and my challenges that I am facing they continue to tell me how strong I am. I was afraid to show how weak I really feel. How much of a failure I see myself as because I can no longer live with the active addict no matter how I work my program. I reached a point where I had to let it out. The cried with me, passed the Kleenex, gave me a supportive pat on the shoulder and of course the alahugs. I know many have said prayers. I still hear how strong I am, but the difference is me because I can now see it. J
This program has given me back the relationship with my parents. I have learned to let go and forgive what happened while I was growing up and truly accept that they did the best they could with what they had (just like I am J) the ability to have a relationship became reality for me. I can now see that my parents love my husband as their son but can not understand why he does what he does. They do not understand the disease. But thanks to some long talks I no longer have to defend him as I am no longer put into a position where I feel like I need to. After that talk I had with my husband on Monday the first person I called was my mom. Years ago that never would have happened.
My husband has decided to move out and we will be beginning the divorce process. My marriage has become a casualty of this disease, but thanks to my HP, my alanon, and my support system my family will not be. The kids and I will move forward and grow.
Thats all I got for now.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Someone told me one day that the hardest thing a person has to do in their life is make a decission.
It certainly was for me... It has become crystal clear that it was the right thing for me to do for my family, for my kids. In my humble opinion, its not failure or weakness to make a decission, far from it.... it takes real courage.
You are very right, it works if you work it... and just as you supported me, I am behind you 100% no matter what you have decided to do. Thats what family does for each other, right?
*smile*
Take care of you!
- ron
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I too decided that without both of us being in active programs, I had no further interest in continuing my marriage with my ex-aH. That decision has been hard and empowering and scary and challenging and exciting and courageous. I've never felt for one moment that I have been weak in reaching that decision.
(((((Mandy))))) Aloha and gratitude for your share on what you have been doing that works. How you describe it is how it was described to me and how I work it continuously. All of the events around me that I think might need my support start with a question to my HP. "Is there anything here you see that I can be of help to you." I wait for the answers that come...some quickly some more slowly but always. "Yes, No, Wait" are some of my HP's responses. Since I'm no longer in control of things I go with HP's decisions.
I can understand where you are coming from because people always tell me that I am strong too. I don't like to be seen as vulnerable and have trouble asking for help unless things get "really bad" (either real or self imposed). I am in the middle of a transition where I have given up the job that I have had for 4 years. My last day is 9/24 and I am presently deciding between 2 jobs - both with advantages and disadvantages.
I was gently reminded that I need to surrender and ultimately work steps 1-3 again as I am powerless over the situation and that my HP is the only way to sanity once I again, let go and turn over my will. But that is one of my major strengths! MY WILL and to let go and trust, is hard. Doing the foot work is also hard. What is the right choice? My pros and cons list is not doing it for me.
I can understand your situation and know that I am thinking of you!
-- Edited by MyThoughts2U2 on Sunday 13th of September 2009 01:47:27 PM
I think it takes one hell of a lot of strength to share our weaknesses. You rock lady. From someone who has walked in your shoes, let me share that the path will be a painful one...but one that you will not be on alone. Your family is here for you.
The most important thing for me was remembering that no matter the direction the path takes to represent myself with respect and as much dignity as I can muster. This too shall pass. And as you said, you will grow towards the life your HP wants you to have.
I have been separated for 8.5 months from my AH. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I put up with behavior that was unacceptable for so long. The process of separating was ugly, and it won't be over for another 4.5 months. It was the best decision I ever made.
When and if the time is right for you, you will know. Let go and let God.
