The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those of you who have followed my story from last August on....here is where I find myself today.... I'm still working the program and am in the process of beginning my second round through the steps (not sure if this will be with or without a sponsor but I am determined it needs to and will be done again). I go to meetings weekly-though I did miss last week due to Soccer mom needs and am sure to miss tomorrow also. (meetings in my area are limited and the only other meeting is one where my xabf goes and I refuse to see him or be near him). I read literature daily and keep in contact with my HP through prayer. Meditation is the only thing I really am lacking right now. I met a guy 2 mths ago and made it a point of letting him know that I was not ready for a relationship with anyone and did not want one. Little by little that has changed and I find myself wanting to be in a committed relationship with this man, as I continue to work my program. He wants the same. (he knows about my program and has been VERY supportive). We talk daily several times, see one another a few times a week (he takes me to lunch) and spend time together when we can on weekends. He appears to be everything my xabf was not. He is kind, funny, supportive and gives me back what I give to him-he does not play the role of doormat for me, nor tell me what he thinks I want to hear, nor I him-YET, but right now today I feel those codie crazys kicking in in FULL swing and I am shocked at myself!!!!! He went to PA last night to see the Steelers play with his sister and of course they drank. I don't care that he drinks on occassion (since that is all that it is) as he is not an A. But the whole time he was gone I had that anxious feeling in my stomach like I used to get with both exbf and exah. The questions kept popping up in my head....is he with someone else? What's he doing? etc, etc etc-we all now the train of thought.....We all know that when one drinks inhibitions are lowered etc..... Then this am I sent him an email )as he emailed me last night at 1230) and asked him "what he was doing up so late or don't I want to know" and of course he responded with a curt "partying" and "missu2" and I could feel the anxuiousness kicking in. I spoke to him while he is driving back a little bit ago and again that anxiousness is there......he seems moody (of course his teen daughter is giving him fits so that may be part of it) but there is a part of me right now that wants to head for high ground!! With a marriage to a very abusive exah, and the most recent situation with exabf just last year I'm asking myself now.....is it possible for me to ever be in a relationship with someone who just drinks on occassion? Or are all those old fears and anxietys going to keep coming back no matter what I do? No matter what he does? I like this guy and he has a lot of good qualities and he doens't talk the talk.......he shows me that he listens and cares how I feel, I just don't know if I can be in a relationship with someone who "just drinks"????????? Any ESH would be appreciated....... many thanks shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
My recovery isn't that far along yet, so I'm not totally grounded about this kind of thing. But one thing I've noticed is that after years of being with my AH (now ex), I've developed radar for people who are problem drinkers. I'll be thinking about a friend of acquaintance who seems fairly okay, but I'll think, "Golly, that sounds like alcoholic behavior to me." And then six months down the line they'll have a crisis, or join AA, or something that shows that I really had picked up on some problem drinking they were trying to hide.
So if I were dating a man like you describe, it would occur to me that some people DO go to sports and never drink at them. They do. And some people do not "party" with alcohol in the normal course of things. They might drink a glass of beer or wine a couple times a month, but they don't "party." However it happened, we end up in relationships with alcoholics or problem drinkers because we don't spot the signals until we're really enmeshed with the person and we have a terrible time getting ourselves free.
So the drinking at Steelers games and especially the "partying" would give red flags and alarm bells for me. Boy do I know that feeling of being excited about someone, of thinking finally a great normal relationship might be in the offing. But with a guy who parties? I guess my thought would be: is "partying" really "normal"? Or is it a sign of someone who's too fond of alcohol? In someone over college age (and even someone who is college age), the partying lifestyle is like playing with fire. And especially for us, who might have learned to consider partying guys normal. But our emotional sobriety is so, so vital.
I remember when I got together with my A. In retrospect, all the signs were there. But I just thought he was a normal red-blooded guy. By the time I realized what was going on, I was in way too deep. Now I think people who steer clear of people who drink more than a tiny bit are safe people. I wonder if your worry and jealousy are ways of telling you that there's something to feel uneasy about here -- not that he's cheating, but that the whole situation is unsafe?
Thnaks Mattie for taking the time to read and respond to my post. You may very well be onto something here. I've had the same thoughts but then I also think that maybe I am so MORTIFIED of dating another A that I may be reading to much into things....
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
People can drink w/o being an alcoholic. Some people more often then others, some less. The thing I would pay more attention to is your reaction to it, no matter whether he is or isn't. People talk about "triggers" here all the time. IMO, there should be inside work on these triggers because they souly belong to us. Perhaps that's partly why it is suggested not to hop in to a relationships after being with an A. We certainly need to be aware of the red flags and use that insight, but we also have to seperate our own triggers and fears from red flags. The triggers are owned by us and to be dealt with by us through Alanon or counseling..whatever works. We can't just expect people to accept our triggers as if they had done something wrong. Personally, I find it really annoying when someone says OMG! I can't discuss XXX or hear that, that's a trigger for me!! I understand that some things are traumatic, but if someone is reacting that way there is definately inside work to be done, IMO. It's not fair to transpose our fears from one relationship to another..or any other person for that matter. That's a sure way to make a mess of things. Our triggers are a mental illusion that can be avoided if we are living in the NOW and doing inner work. Reaching back and bringing the baggage in to the present isn't healthy or rational . This is totally different then being aware. Awareness allows us to step back and look w/o involving all of our own "stuff".
I had to deal with the same angst/triggers after my husband got sober. Going to "wash the car" used to mean going and slamming as much vodka as possible while at the car wash. Playing golf used to mean drinking all day and coming home trashed. On top of that he got a job in Alaska, 5,000 miles away..where he could do anything he wanted and I wouldn't have a clue. There were a couple times I would call him in the evening and there would be no answer. He was usually at the store or a meeting, but those old fears would rear up. I had to stop myself from my own fears for my own well being. These illusions and fears were not happening NOW, nor were they reality. He had done nothing in the NOW to warrant my fears and triggers. Any fears that I had were for me to work through.
That's my .02 cents..
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I was just explaining to someone today that the only guy I have had the slightest bit of interest in recently drinks. We got along great, he was funny and smart and loving. He liked kids, has a great job, he has friends and a great family....but he drinks. I don't know if he's an A or not. But I do know that his recreation includes drinking. It's part of his lifestyle choice. I am not comfortable with that lifestyle. I could see that it would be an issue.
Not because I was going to make it an issue, neither was he. But, I just do not find that lifestle fun. It is not my idea of a good time to go to festivals or clubs or bars and have a few, or "party". That hasn't been my "thing" in many years. So, for me, it wasn't going to work.
If he had not been funny, or if he didn't like kids, or if he was predjuiced against a race, I would have called it quits also. Because I would never have been comfortable with a man who doesn't hold the same values as I do.
I am no longer willing to settle. I do not want to be in a realtionship until I am ready and secure in myself and until I find a man who will be a partner. I don't want to have to mother a guy I am dating, or mistrust him, or feel insecure.
But it's all on me. Dating sucks if you ask me :) I have dated an A, a few needy guys and a great guy who drinks...I will keep putting myself out there cause I do feel that an equal, healthy, caring partner is out there. I'll let ya know when I find him!!
In speaking with my Sponsor, from time to time the words ... "I don't even know if (he/she/they) is an A" will come out of my mouth ... as I am working through a thought, problem, or solution in regards to one of the A's in my life! I've noticed that my Sponsor always responds with "...is their drinking a problem for YOU?"
I've learned that whether someone is an A or not is not really the issue. The issue is with myself. As Serendipity so eloquently describes in her post, it is about what I/we/you want and need out of a relationship. I am learning this very slowly myself. Before now, relationships were always so black and white. If someone had a character trait I didn't like, that made them "bad". I'm realizing that it doesn't have to be that way. I am beginning to see that if someone has a character trait that I don't like or doesn't mesh well with my own, then it can just be that they are not "right" for me.
I'm not even close to wanting to begin a new romantic relationship with anyone. But when I do think about it for the distant future I think about how I don't just want "someone" I want "the one" and I believe he will be worth waiting for!
