The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've read on this board that if you are doing something for another, whom has the time, ability and facility to do it for themselves, then you are engaging in enabling behaviour. I agree.
I've had the opportunity to set a different boundary with my ex-aH recently and though I know it is the right thing, it sure doesn't feel comfortable.
One example is that I asked him about the monthly money deposit as per our separation agreement, as it is now 10 days late. He gave the excuse that he needs to come to my house and use the internet banking and told me he'd do that the next day. I interjected and told him no. Would it be easier for him to do it that way? Sure. But is that his only resource? Not all all. We do have a local library with computer access. There are such things as checks as well and I also have nothing against cold hard cash!!! There are other ways for him to meet his financial obligations to me, that don't include having to use me and my resources in the process. It is not my responsibility to make sure he pays his child support or to make that happen in the easiest way possible for him.
There are other examples as well that I've had to set boundaries on using the model of "if he has the time, ability and facility" he should be doing it himself. If he decides to NOT do it himself, those consequences are his own, NOT mine!
It has been a good reminder for me, that ending my enabling behaviour may not feel very good in the short term, for those of us who are so used to "taking it over and doing it all". When I reflect on my relationship with my ex-aH I see how for oh so many years, I've taken it all on, and lost myself in the process. Part of getting myself back has been detaching from him.
I agree, when I first set boundaries, it was uncomfortable but then again, it was new behavior and I was new to it. Once I did begin to experience the detachment that came along after my following through on the boundaries - it got so much better and I felt liberated and free. Hang in there, it will get easier with practise.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yay Rora!! It does work when you work it and when you work it well one of the things you end up with is extra time for yourself to use what ever way you care to...self care!! Great share (((((hugs)))))
