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(Asking questions on behalf of my mother because she doesnt have the internet)
My mom watches the kids when my brother is at work and my sister-in-law needs to go to a meeting.When my mom goes over there in time for my SIL to make a meeting, Mom often finds the special needs child in her bedroom covered in her own poop (she usually wont go to the bathroom on her own and my SIL usually never bothers to take her, so the child has an accident, then wipes it on everything.)
My mom naturally cant tolerate the child being like that so she cleans her us while my SIL takes off to go to the meeting.
But the childs mother should be taking care of this.Mom resents having to clean up a mess that happened because my SIL wouldnt take the time to care for her own child.But, naturally, my mom would not consider just leaving the child in her own filth till my SIL gets back home.
I was wondering if an option might be for mom to inform her that she would not watch the kids when the special needs child was in that condition.And if mom came over to watch the kids and the child was in that condition, mom say call me when she is cleaned up and I will come over to watch the kids so you can go to your meeting. Then turn around and leave (she lives next door)
The idea is that my SIL would have to either get the child to the potty so that doesnt happen, or check on her & get her cleaned up before time to go to a meeting.But my fear is that my SIL would just go back into her room, leave the child like that and miss her meeting. (small town - very few meeting times, usually she can only make the 8pm meeting)
So should we scrap that idea, or try it for a while and see if my SIL catches on and actually changes, if only for her own selfish motives.
Sometimes my mom can take the child to her house until time for the meeting.I kind of think that would be best, butMom is trying to not take on the entire child-raising of the special needs child.
Any suggestions? We dont like the idea of trying to manipulate a person. But we cant stand the idea of the child living like that.And we dont want to just give up on the childs mother actually acting like a mother for a change, taking over her duties.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
Actually that sounds like exactly what I would do. If your she goes back into her room and misses the meeting, that is her business. If your mom leaves it is back in the sisters hands where it should be. What motivation does she have to take her own responsibilities, if mom is always there to clean up the messes.
Yes, I understand that the child cannot fend for herself, but I am guessing that either this happens regularly when mom is not there, anyway. Or the sister is deliberatly only being lazy when she knows mom will be there to clean up after. So, if I were in moms place, I would try very hard to be firm and refuse to clean any more messes created by her laziness.
I am not in moms place, however, so take what you like and leave the rest as it is JMHO.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
This is a tough spot to be in. If it were me in this situation I think I would first sit down and put alot of thought into what exactly my boundaries and priorities are here.
What is the highest priority? The mom getting to her meeting, the child, or my own well being?
What can I do to set a boundary on what is acceptable to me and what is not?
What are my choices if my boundary is crossed ... call the dad, leave the house, refuse to watch the children, call CPS, call a support group that offers support with special needs children
Is it possible there are community and/or county or state groups available to help with home care of your special needs niece?
Is there a reason that the child is put last ... is there something else I could help with in order to free up some time for the mom to care for her properly prior to leaving for her meeting?
Those are some of the starting point questions I had for myself. I'm not sure it is any help. Jen
My sister-in-law comes home, and immediately goes into her bedroom. She is either on Facebook or the phone, or maybe both the whole time. Unless she is napping. She often doesn't even come out to fix a meal for the kids. The father has resorted to makign sure there are TV dinners so the kids can fix for themselves when he isn't there.
The kids call the mothers room her "cave." She used to close and lock the door, then yell at the kids if they knocked. She doesn't do any housework or cooking or anything. She works a 40 hour week and that is all she expects to do.
If I lived there, I would have the child over at my house every day that the father was at work. Leaving the kid alone with the mother is like leaving the kid all alone in the house. The 13 yr old sister is more of a mother than my sister-in-law!
It is very hard not being resentful!
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
CPS has been involved before.The parents work hard to get things looking great until CPS is off their backs.Then things are back to normal.Except that my brother would likely use this as an excuse to quit his job.Either that or he would divorce her.But if there was any indication that we turned them in, we would pretty much be cut off .We would not be allowed in the house anymore.So no one would be there who would clean the child off until the father got home.
This still might be something to consider, but only as a final, last resort.One possible solution would be for my mother to watch the child from the time she gets off the bus until the time the mother needs to leave for her meeting.She goes potty in the pot at my moms house.Mom actually supervises her.If that couldnt happen for some reason, I think CPS would need to be called in.
My brother doesnt like the idea of my mom taking over.He says the mother should be doing it, as she should.But she doesnt.
He also refuses to put her in a depends because once they potty trained her, he swore they would never go back, in spite of the fact that the child has regressed.He refuses to accept reality.
__________________
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
