The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK Rita's wish of magic wands and combat boots sure brought something to the day! I love the saying in that card, and am thinking I could really get into the thought of visualising a sparkly pink tutu'd combat booted guardian angel, fairy or whatever she or well ... he wants to be.
On to the stuff I really do not want to share but need to tell anyway. In the last 10 months I have managed to become involved with a wonderful man who was everything I could ask for. Kind, patient, thoughtful of my visin and physical problems, he took care of me in nice ways, not too much not too little and I was able to do the same. Until now, he moved here and is staying with me until he found a place of his own and then it was nice maybe he shouldn't find a place of his own ..... and then depression, drinking, more depression, more drinking and on and on and on. The similarities of depressed under the cover couch hiding, drunken rants against past wrongs, my not understanding how hard life is; between his actions and my EXAH are WAY TOO CLOSE.
I put on the combat boots today, thank you Rita, and laid down the truth I am done with a capital D. Have to go and ASAP. I am not giving up my mental health for anyone or anything, most especially anything to do with addiction or abuse of any kind of substance. I pray and ask any of you who would be willing that this does not turn ugly but an easier situation to be free of than the last .... ugh when i think about my relationships of my life this is strike three ... the most important three have all been addicts. I'm out.
On the EXAH, he is in jail. Violated probation by driving drunk, rolling the unauthorized use car he ... stole? borrowed? and got medflighted to a hospital, just some big bruises thankfully and nobody else injured. This happened the weekend after he showed up at my home at 4am with treats for my dog .... I know it's not a pretty picture. He kept writing, about 10 letters or so into his stay he finally asked how I was and why i wasn't writing. Well, I told the truth I have nothing to say I am still angry, in fact more angry now than I was 3 years ago. I am although it doesn't feel like i am making any headway trying to remove these negative influences from my life. His reply of course was "way to kick me when i down and by the way can you send a picture of you and the dog?" .... I have not written back and am not going to. I did hear via the grapevine he refuses to place anyone on his visitors list, including his best friend from childhood and Dad. I don't know, i don't care yet I do and then I don't.
And on to me ... basically I am actually fine. Trying to get all my stuff together to enroll in school, dealing with the doctors, and Vocational Rehab. I do need to be alone, have my sanctuary back with nobody drowning thier misery in it. I am going to continue to make that happen one way or another, and prefer as peacefully as possible of course.
The lesson I learned ... When i first met ABF I truly thought my best course of action was to be pretty upfront about where I had been and what was behind some of my quirks:including my marriage and divorce. Looking back now I see that all I did was give this disease a reason for hiding until it was too late. I sabotaged my own way of seeing what a person was really like by giving the disease the power to trick me. I do not have to lay all my cards on the table to be honest I just have to be me, and allow another person to be themselves and the answers will come soon enough. Great lesson, just wish i could have skipped this part .. the next couple weeks may be rough.
So the bratty tantrum is over, the basic yucky facts spilled. Not eloqurntly but it's out there. Now I can get some sleep.
Looking back now I see that all I did was give this disease a reason for hiding until it was too late. I sabotaged my own way of seeing what a person was really like by giving the disease the power to trick me. I do not have to lay all my cards on the table to be honest I just have to be me, and allow another person to be themselves and the answers will come soon enough..
Hey-- I can totally see why you think that way. I do. You were upfront and so that was his signal-- of #1 "she dates drunks #2 I better hide the fact that I am one also. But I don't agree with what else you said here. I think it's GOOD to be upfront. I am not sure you should be dating in the first place-- I don't know how long it's been since the Divorce (3 years?). While I do think we don't need to just divuldge everything right away, you need to know that the way a NORMAL relationship works, the way communication happens with healthy, honest people is this: the amount of sharing is equal-- an indication of compatibility is an equinamity of openness to whatever degree is being shared, the other person reciprocates.
*HE* lied, and *HE* hid his issues... do you want to know that all that tells me is that you must be a pretty wonderful lady for him to go through the trouble!
NExt time, when you're ready, you won't doubt yourself. You'll be comfortable enough to share what you will and it will be of little consequence except that he'll share right back.
I"m not an expert by any means. But I hate to think that the take away message you seem to have gotten from this is that you need to hide yourself, or not "go there". But honestly, how can you not? Your past is a big part of you and your recovery from it is bigger still. There ARE men who won't take advantage of that. When you're ready, you'll know it, and I think he'll emerge.
O, and he may feel sincerely badly for what you've been through, or take it in stride. When I told STBH about my x's, he seemed shocked and dismayed... honestly, truely dismayed. And he shared his feelings about my past as well as the mishaps of his relationships of yore as well. A good man will see through the abuse/hardship you've endured and want to give you a life without that. He exists, and you deserve him.
I'm glad you dumped the phoney. Keep up the good work. there may be more ahead worth dumping. DOn't expect perfection, but know what your deal breakers are-- the indications will come from YOU and the way you are behaving/reacting/feeling. That is all you need to know to end it is if you're feeling or not acting like yourself or in a way that serves your objective to stay healthy and away from addicts, and whatever else. Sorry, soun ds like I"m giving advice, but I needed to write that out-- not just for you. :) Woops
I always had a problem being willing to share waaaay to much information, and ur right that kind of stuff is ammo to an A. Lets them right into our head, shows our weaknesses and triggers and they can just run and manipulate us easily.
I had to learn to stop sharing with A's and to figure out how to stop being triggered and engaged. I have to agree to be manipulated, so I am participating in it, fully.
Now, I practically cant be manipulated at all anymore bc I recognize it and say out loud, "oh that's manipulative" and I have no interest in it. I am still working on when I am being manipualtive of others, but hey if I bake chocolate brownies bc I know everyone loves food and I hope that will help my mil/sil to like me better - is that really wrong? hehe They just think I am nice and can bake - maybe that is the truth *winks*
I do understand the i dont have to revisit and share all of my war wounds -- when u date, u are in the present moment, have fun and be free, u can still be yourself without sharing everything that got u here. Plus u can be sure to share with fellow alanons, as we do understand.
I reckon ur ex doesnt want to see anyone bc they are going to tell him he screwed up and maybe he is just humiliated. He doesnt want to hear anything.
I too had to boundary out toxic people. If I even thought u had a problem drinking too much, I wasnt interested in being with another A -- even though I loved to party myself - a lil too much. Now I barely drink at all anymore but it took a while for me to get here. The bf I have no barely drinks at all, so when we met and I saw how responsible he was, I drank even more and got more out of control bc I knew he was watching - crazy, glad that crap is over.
The more I stayed in program, the better I got at seeing and identifying who was an A and who wasnt. Quite frankly that was all I was interested in -- getting healthy myself and finding a partner that wasnt an A.
I have been brutally honest with my bf and he has seen me struggle to focus on me and love me. He has seen me grow so much in program in 2 years. I dont know if he is so special or if it has to do with a higher intelligence (that he can understnd and accept me and what ive been through) but he is also very open minded like I am. He is a god send and at first I wasnt even attracted to him (not my type) but he grew on me and nice guys are, really nice! who knew lol
Stick to ur boundaries and u will find what ur looking for. Be the kind of partner u want to attract - that is what I did and apparently god knew a lil more that I did about what i truly needed and would value in a partner. thanks god/HP.
Keep working it, great progress, brutal honesty is the way. Kudos!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I've often wondered if the ABF didn't glom onto me so fast because I'm such a great catch but rather because I had told him early on that I'm ACOA and he calculated that I would make the perfect girlfriend for an A. Not that he hid the fact that he was in recovery, but he did minimize the extent of his relapses.
Eek. More stuff to ponder.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Yes, there is a difference between being honest and opening yourself up to be manipulated and abused. To be honest does not mean that I have to hand someone the right stick to beat me with.
Part of being responsible and taking care of me means learning how to tell who is trustworthy and who is not. I am learning to reserve my trust for people who have truely earned it, not just people who haven't hurt me yet.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
but rather because I had told him early on that I'm ACOA and he calculated that I would make the perfect girlfriend for an A. Not that he hid the fact that he was in recovery, but he did minimize the extent of his relapses.