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My mother and I provide babysitting for my brothers family. My sister-in-law never lifts a finger to clean anything. She seldom even fixes food for the kids. My mom struggles to know when to step in and help the kids by cleaning and trying to get a meal together or if that is enabling the mother to abdicate her maternal responsibilities.
Two of the kids are old enough to scrounge for something to eat and clean a dish if they want to. But one of the kids is special needs and cant fend for herself.
Sometimes the special needs child has an accident & smears the poop all around. The mother is oblivious to this because she spends all day in her room until time to go to a meeting.
There is also tension because of the fear that any confrontation will cause her to drink again.
(my mom doesnt have the internet so I was going to print the replies for her. She is also too shy to go to a live meeting.)
The Blue ODAAT doesnt have a category for enabling or boundries. Does anyone have page numbers on the subject for her?
Thanks.
__________________
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
When you say the mother goes to a meeting, is she in recovery?? What meeting?
Someone here I think gave me a great way to look at helping vs enabling. I wish I saved the thread. If I remember correctly they told me if the person can physically do it themselves, has the time, and has the mental ability, and you step in to assist, you're enabling, but if you remove one of the three things above and they ask you for help, then you are truly helping, and that always stuck with me.
Now, I say that but your situation has children involved and for me, that's when I would step in period. If children are neglected, that's abuse in my eyes. You really need to think about this carefully.
YOU DID NOT CAUSE it and YOU CANNOT control it, so if you say something about the situation, and she goes to drink, YOU didn't cause it!!!!! That was the hardest thing for me to accept. I had to accept that some days I had to accept the way my husband "felt" about things. I kept thinking I caused his feelings...maybe I did, but I quickly got over it. You have to live for you and your life!
It is my own belief we must protect children at all costs. I would bring them home with me if I could.
I would make sure they had food, clean cloths. I hate to say this but to me, those kids are totally unsafe where they are. The special needs girl needs help as you know.
No one drinks becuz we make them remember? She drinks because she is an addict.
What happens when the kids get into something they shouldn't? Or leave the house? Your sis does not sound like she can take care of them. She is much too sick.
I hope you and your mom take care of the kids. I never suggest having the state move in as people can lose their kids in the system and never get them back.
Sending you hope and will keep you in my prayers. love,debilyn
My sister-in-law, the mother of the kids, is in AA. She got out of rehab in early July and had two relapses, but apparently has been sober since then.
MY mom is the one who babysits by going over to the house when my brother is at work (most nights) and my sister-in-law needs to go to a meeting. (I usually babysit just the special needs child over at my mom's house, where the educational supplies are at. )
I go to meetings. My mom is painfully shy. But she is going to a councelor tomorrow, a family friend who is a professional councelor.
My feeling is that the mother in law would leave the child in her own poop until my brother got home (well after everyone is in bed), leaving him to clean her up. If I thought she would own up to her responsibilty if my mom didn't step in, I would support mom backing off.
The two other girls can fend for themselves, so I am inclined to let them. They grab TV dinners, usually.
But I want my mom to make her own decision. I try real hard to offer insight without trying to tell her what to do.
__________________
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
The two "normal" kids are teenagers. Technically, the special needs child is a teen, too, but she is about 18 months, developmentally.
The doors are locked so the special needs child can't get out of the house. She spends all her time in front of the TV when at home. Unless one of the "normal" girls decides to play with her. One is a classic teen locking herself in her room listening to her music, reading Twilight. But the younger of the two teens likes to play dress up or play teacher with the special needs child. My brother has all cleaning fluids, other than a small amount of dish soap, locked away.
So it is safe as far as no one getting hurt. But it is still no way for a child to live.
My brother would not allow us to take the kids away. I live across town. It would be difficult for me to watch the kids the whole time the father is at work. But maybe I need to start doing that. My mom is 77 yrs old and isn't really wanting to take on the raising of the child full time. I want to encourage her to have her spend the night over at her house more often, but I don't feel that is my place. (My brother and his family live next door to my mom.)
WOW!!! It is amazing to me when I think of all the disfunctional details I am leaving out! And it still sounds awful!
-- Edited by smartkat on Thursday 10th of September 2009 08:21:44 PM
__________________
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
Aloha Kat and welcome with the great question. From my journey with that question I can offer that the difference between enabling and helping is;
I the other person or people have the time, ability and facility to take care of their needs and I get involved that's enabling. If they lack any one of those three things and...they ask for help, thats helping. That for me and that's how I've been doing it for a long time. I don't consider sharing in mutual and traditional tasks part of the definition namely those things my spouse and I do with each other to maintain our life and home.
I totally agree with Debilyn's post- The children are the ones who need care- A boundary is "where do I end and they begin" However, we are talking about children.
I can't add very much because Debilyn said my sentiments- These children are helpless and needing care- I hope you can find a way to intervene and just take them with you
I also agree- If the CPS gets involved (child protection), the children could get separated, placed in different homes, further traumatized, on and on the suffering goes- CPS is the last resort- Sounds to me like family intervention is in order here- I know its a burden, but had I known my ND was so bad with her drugs, and had I not been deceived as to how bad her addiction was, I would have taken her two children with me and my husband- Looking back that is the one regret I have in life, but working the program has enabled me to forgive myself because I Just did not know!!! I cannot be faulted on not knowing- You have been blessed, in a way, of knowing the situation and seeing it for what it was- My ND was far enough away for me she hid it for years! I blamed me for years, not taking her kids with me- Even though I was lied to about her sickness and couldn't see any to the contrary
Please let us know how this goes!
Neshema
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
A lot of tough decisions to make. I can't take the Special Needs child to my place, but I can offer to be at my mom's (the grandmother's) house much more often to help her care for the child. When the father has a day shift or has a day off, then the child can stay at home without any problem.
The father beleives we would be enabling the mother's lack of care by taking over. But my point is that she just doesn't do the job so which is better, the job not being done or the job being done by someone who should have had to do it?
__________________
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
