The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can thank Al-Anon for giving me the courage and the tools to let my son get himself clean. He recently married and things are going well.
His business status was such that while he was using, he managed not to lose everything. His credit suffered as he was late on making payments at time but somehow he managed through the fog.
But due to the state of the economy he is now asking us for a business loan as his bank won't give him the credit that they once did.
I'm unclear on whether this is a wise move or not since he is now clean. I certainly don't want to stick my nose in the beehive as Al-Anon advises, but now that he's sober I'm not sure how to proceed.
Welcome - and congrats for your son . The literature still pertains to sobriety , nothing changes . You would have to decide if you want to help him and pray that he pays back the loan or let him get out of this on his own . We all want to help our children and I understand your dilema u do what is best for you .what helped me alot in sobreity and other relationships was to simply change the word alcoholic to the persons name when reading our literature . it may work for you , ask yourself if the loan will inconvience you or husb in anyway or affect your standard of living , our detachment pamphlet says to not suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people , and not to interfere in a crisis if it is in the natural course of events ., good luck with your decission . Louise
I am so happy that your son is now clean- I have to agree with Abbyal with the cautionary notes
Can you afford to lose this money if he should not pay it back? Will the loan put you in financial hardship?
I never give what I cannot afford to give and potentially lose!
I have a grown daughter who is now in rehab for her crystal meth addiction- I allow her to work her own problems out- To learn from her mistakes-
Even though your son is clean and that is so wonderful, I think if I had the money to lose, I would write down on a piece of paper the pros and cons and turn it over to my Higher Power-
Also, it would depend on how long he has been clean- Once my daughter cleaned up her self and was clean for over a year and then slipped- I had given her money to help her because she had cleaned up her act, only to have her slip again-
It is such a tough decision- Where do I end and she begins?
Just some things to think about from another mom with a child who has the disease of addiction,
Neshema
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Congrats to your son for his sobriety and recent marriage.
BIG congrats to you for your recovery in Al-Anon!!
Glad things are going well -
I'm just going to throw out a few suggestions as others have
I agree on the looking at the perspective of would the loan cause you to be in a financial bind should it never be repaid - what about the strain it could put on your emotional relationship between you and your son if he defaults on the loan?
Also have you thought about - would it be a "gentlemen's agreement" loan or a written and notaried agreement - where you would have the ability to actually collect against the business if he defaulted.
Even tho we are related - I have found it is ok to treat a "loan" between family as a business transaction. With a written notarized agreement - it gives both parties a clear understanding and responsibility - I feel protected and when they are able to honor that agreement it helps their self-worth and self-esteem.
Just a few things that I have found that worked for me -
Wishing you and your family the best, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
One thing that I have not seen noted yet in this discussion.... My AH has built back a lot of self respect by cleaning up his messes on his own, and doing without is a part of that. I have found that in early sobriety he still had a very narrow view of the ways he could solve his problems. As he has matured in sobriety, he has gotten a lot more creative in finding his own solutions in a responsible way.
Honestly, if the bank has found a loan to him to be an unsafe bet, then it probably is. It is his job and responsibility to wade through and repair the mess he has made while in active addiction. And he will be the stronger for having done it by himself, but not if he gets a bailout everytime he hits a snag or the road becomes hard.
JMHO,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
