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It's been ages since I posted. ( Sorry) You've no idea how many times I have posted,and lost it,or got an error message.
But I really wanted to let you all know that really,this Alanon programme is just fantastic.
A brief recap on my situation............for those that don't know me.
I am English,but living in Turkey. I met with a really nice guy and in time fell head over heels in love with him. Got engaged,and slowly started to realise that he didn't just like a drink.......................he was totally and utterly dependent on it. I called the wedding off just six weeks before the big day. But continued to live with him,in the hope that one day he would see the light and give up alcohol and we could sail off into the sunset together. Errrr well, it wasn't quite like that,but you get the gist?
Things went from bad to worse,and God forbid.......even violence came into the picture which was about the time I joined this wonderful site and sought help. I had tried to seek help here,but being a foreigner in a strange country and not fully being able to understand or fluently speak the language,was at a distinct disadvantage. ( That's a huge understatement)
Really I was at my wit's end...............and I recieved a huge amount of love and help and ESH on this site with the selfless people here. Huge!! They all know who they are......and have my undying gratitude and love.
Ok.......we split up. Just over 3 years ago..........and I have been trying to get my life back together ever since,and have no doubt will still be trying a good few years from now. Hey! I've done a pretty good job of it,and am really proud that I have done so....but seriously and have never said otherwise........without really taking on board what all you guys here have drummed into me,and never having the benefit of live meetings or face to face here..........I reckon I have done pretty darned good.
I never stopped loving my A............don't get me wrong, I hated what he did, I hated all the crap.........loathed the disease.....but I never stopped loving him. Call me stupid,but I really don't belive he's ever stopped loving me either.
Well............tonight he rang me. He rings me and has rung me regularly since we split. Heck, I have even gone up and stayed with him twice since we split.........and managed to remain detached. Loving him with all my heart..........but detached. I have always maintained to him that I love him.......but will never,ever live with active alcoholism again. I don't doubt he loves me...........never have. But.....I deserve much more,and he simply isn't capable of loving me back in the way I deserve whilst in the grips of this dreadful disease.
I was playing the waiting game. Don't get me wrong.......it wasn't exactly a game.........I was convinced that,one day, he would see the light and would get back into AA and .....................he was left in no doubt that until or unless he got into an AA programme and worked it actively there would be no us. I know and fully accept that some of you special people can,but in my case, it was a no-go area.
Tonight he rang and then asked can we go on messenger? He has a cold and talking was hurting his throat.Fine, I can type as well as the next guy?
Do you know? I knew this was coming........I just knew it. " Darling, I love you" ....." I will always love you"......." please tell me you will always love me"......" I don't ever want to lose you-you are my everything"........" I will always,always be here for you".......
Then..........I've got a lover. She truly loves me and accepts me and we are going to marry!!!!
And do you know what?????? I accept it.
Ok..........I accepted it on messenger and wished him well..........and then sobbed my flipping heart out!!!!! No matter because with this programme I actually understood that it was completely normal for me to feel hurt,to feel upset,to feel betrayed.
I know I deserve better.........
So, I am going to pick myself up........and dust myself off........and scream my flipping head off for a few days....and then get right back into my programme. It;s kind of a lone programme for me because getting access to internet is not easy for me.........but I have the books...........and I KNOW I will get through this.
I'll never stop loving him............but really, I hate this disease. I already predict this wedding won't take place...........or if it does.......it won't last. At least I was gracious and wished them well.
This learning to let go lark is a darned sight harder than it sounds eh???
I think I have just found myself back at step one!!!!!!! or maybe......I can see this as a gift?????
I am going to work and pray real hard in the coming day and weeks.............
Hon remember, A's are selfish, they come first, sadly these are symptoms of being an addict.
Also they cannot love themselves, so they really don't love anyone. They portray this sick obsession. Especially if they are not on a program of recovery.
I am going throught this too, Chris. But it was my husband who medically relapsed and moved in with a gal who enabled him.
She has gone thru horrible times becuz of his being a very active, destructive addict.
This gal your ex is with, I feel sadness for her, and him too really.
It has been such a nice break from the AH for me. She took care of him. I grew up.
I hope for you to glean Al Anon as best you can. I invite you to keep coming here, there are meetings here and chat too.
You can order books from Amazon too if you want to.
I understand the sobbing. I really do. It will get better, as you work on you, be tender with you, it takes some work. It isn't just time that heals it.
Believe me something better is coming for you. You can only climb up!
And you know what, you sure handled the conversation with him well. You showed yourself what a lady you are. Be proud!
Thank you for sharing, and I sure hope you keep coming! Love,debilyn
Program is always right where we leave it off and step one comes up daily for me, it helps me stay focused on me and not others.
Learning to let go and when to give space in general is hard but worth it. I dont think I let go of anything until I got busy with boundaires & detachment, then I was actually able to let go & relinquish my way and surrender to my higher power.
I think acceptance was hard for me too. Once I got into today and right now, it helped so much and I quit projecting & bringing up the past. Just keep focusing on you and detaching with love from him ~ keep working it and hey ya it's nice to see you again ~ huggles
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Well..I didn't get much sleep and ended up reciting the serenity prayer over and over.
Today,I feel sad. But that's ok,I know it will pass and also know that stuffing my feelings isn't healthy, so am going with the flow. It's kind of wierd when I look at all this logically,and virtually all my predictions for him are panning out,and trying to stop myself from interferring and giving him advice.( It took me a long time to stop doing that.)
Also took me a long time to learn to detach,and I wonder how successful I really was, feeling as I do at the moment. I guess it's one thing to know what I should be doing,and quite another actually doing it.
Debilyn......your words rang so true. I feel kind of sad for them both too. She has no idea yet what she is taking on. I learned today,she has a young daughter aged 6. Oh my goodness! I pray this poor little girl doesn't get sucked into his dramas.
Kitty....how lovely to hear from you. I have never forgotten your great kindness in sending me much needed literature when I needed it and was unable to get any here. You've no idea just how helpful and life saving that was for me all that time ago. I hope I can get to the stage when I quit projecting........here I am still doing it,so thanks for the reminders.
Rita.....thank you. I'm so glad to have found this programme which has enabled me to realise it's not about me. Before I would have been jumping around changing myself to suit his needs,not anymore. In fact-when I stopped doing that he even seemed to love me more and certainly showed more respect.
I am still trying to sort out a better internet system. It's really rubbish where I am,and so unreliable. I've lost count how many times I have either replied to a post or written a post and hit the send button for it to go flying off into outer space never to be seen again. Very frustrating.
