The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately, as I relfect on my growth in the program, I feel I am ready to face some problems that I have always encounted in alanon, and feel the need to try and find some clarity in these matters.
Alanon has saved my life, in more ways than one, so this post is NOT about the merit of Alanon, or its usefulness, as that has already been proven in my life time and time again. It is more about me trying to understand some parts of the program better.
When I first came to alanon, I simply didn't get all of that "metaphysical stuff" as I call it about us having a "spiritual" problem. I didn't get it because I already AM a very spiritual person. And I don't mean just religious here, I mean really spiritual, as in being aware always of a power greater than myself running the show so to speak, and I had a very close and wonderful relationship with him.
If my problem wasn't spiritual, then what was it? I attended many meetings, both F2F and online and listened carefully to what people had to say. I also read a lot of alanon literature, and this board and other things. I felt like I fit in SO perfectly in some ways, and not at all in other ways.
I fit in in the sense of being married to an alcoholic and all of the problems that causes, but these were all practical concerns. I didn't relate to the portrait of alanoners as being 'spiritually sick". I didn't relate to the stereotype of alanoners "being addicted to drama". As far as I could see, it was my A who was addicted to drama! He was the one going places and having tantrums, meltdowns, and causing a scene, sometimes having cops called on him. I simply ignored him, or walked away. I didn't take part in these drama episodes.
I NEVER yelled at him, never cursed, threatened, or called him any names. What good would that do? I knew it would only escalate the drama he was causing. It takes two to tango, and I was sitting out that dance.
Am I saying I am perfect? NO WAY!!! In fact, I am slightly more imperfect than the A in many ways, LOL, even so drunk he had daily blackouts, he seldom forgot things and always paid his bills on time, I am much more disorganized. I am just saying that my character flaws ARE NOT related to my interactions with my A. They stem more from my ADHD, to be honest. I never threw anything at him (that was his gig, he has thrown his wedding ring at me several times), never called the cops when he drove so drunk that he tripped a few times just walking across the sidewalk, then falling into the car, and never threatened to expose his drinking in any way. When we went out and he got drunk and embarrassed himself talking really loud, or flirting with the waitresses, I never said a word or looked at him in any disapproving way (I am NOT his Mom), I just ate my dinner totally oblivious. How was I able to do this? Probably because I educated myself early on about alcoholism, that it is a serious illness, and I know that nagging and annoying don't cure ANY illnesses, much less a serious one.
I also had attitude that he wasn't my son, looking to me for guidance, he was my HUSBAND and already raised, so, if it wasn't done right, it was too late to try and change anything and it wasn't my job anyway.
I had the attitude of just accepting him as he was or getting rid of him. And that was before Alanon.
So, when I came to alanon and people at my first F2F tried to shame and blame me and tell me I had a LOT to learn about MY part in his drinking, I was really turned off and didn't go back for months. How did I have a part in his drinking? In fact, weeks would go by that I didn't even see him or talk to him, since he was drunk most of the time he was at home and hid out in his room. I never disturbed him, and just went about my life. We had so little interaction that I wasn't even aware of when he was home or not and did not care.
Most people would not accept this situation, but I am a very live and let live laid back person. As long as he didn't violated my lines in the sand (cheating, not working or paying his share of the bills, physical abuse) I was willing to stay in the marriage. I am an optimist, I tried to make the best of it. It was like having the best of both worlds, he was in the house and that made people less likly to try and break in, and he paid more than half of all of the bills; and we lived totally separate lives so I was fee to come and go as I pleased and do whatever I wanted.
Eventually I would go back to alanon, since my doctor would tell me to when I talked to him about my husband and my fears for him (I talked to my doctor rather than my husband) and hear more of the same and be turned off and not come again.
FInally, I decided that I would ignore all of the shaming and blaming and "metaphysical stuff" and come to alanon for simple support from people who could relate to me. THAT is when I finally felt like I fit in, when I learned to "take what I like the leave the rest". Probably the best thing I learned from alanon, the most useful, was to TAKE CARE OF ME, and stop being so worried about stuff.
That, and "Take what you like and leave the rest" have since become my favorite phrases because it helped me to know I DID belong in Alanon, even though no one seemed to understand me.
But, my question is...
Is this REALLY doing Alanon? To REALLY take just what I like and leave the rest? Like just accept the support part of Alanon and ignore the twelve steps "spiritual" part? People say that the program doesn't work if you don't do the whole thing, but I feel that it does...but maybe that is because I already do the "spiritual" part...just in my own way...
I'm not sure about the shaming and blaming part u got from othrs all I do know is I did not want to face I had anything to do with their problem, when in fact the meta physical/spiritual part of what I was doing in the situation, for me, did have to be addressed. Why was i there and what was my involvement? Did I want to accept less than in this life? Was I going to stand by and watch someone I loved destroy themselves and my future too. If I stayed in that life with that person, then I was a particpant in what happened, is what I belived. So, I did have to face that.
I do understand & believe that a relationship with an A that is not in recovery, is one of the lonliest relationships one could ever be in. You get all the alone time & then emotional abuse -- not a healthy or supportive relationship. What r u getting out of it? I do know for me, I did not lov myself and in those relationships I was validating the fact that I didnt feel I deserved anything better. None of that changed, until I simply got busy, looking at my participation in it and then learning to love myself first.
Then I developed some self protection and I did not want to subject myself to these toxic relationships anymore, I began to boundary these people out, demanding better treatment from myself and then in how I show others how I will be treated. My goal was to get healthy, in all aspects of my life. I am finally so much better now mentally and emotionally and I have a supportive new relationship that is healthy and thriving.
We all get to work our program as unique individuals -- maybe the take what u like/leave the rest could be applied to those few shame based people trying to shame you. That is their experience, not yours.
I do know that if I run away, that is my problem/issue and if I'm uncomfortable maybe it is growth, so i try to look at that. I do feel a lot of what has happened to me in program has been about HP's timing, not mine.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
A couple of things come to my mind in regards to your post.
The first thing is something I have heard often in program. "Look for the similarities, not the differences".
You live with alcoholism, cunning, baffling and powerful, alcoholism. So you "qualify" to sit in the rooms.
As you say "taking what you like and leaving the rest" is a key part of the program that makes it work for anyone and everyone that wants to be a part of it.
You say you are spiritual. Awesome. You say you are not perfect...honest.
My question for you is, why not try working the 12 steps?
Working the 12 steps is for me. It would not matter if I had ever been exposed to an alcoholic or not for them to be a most enlightened way for me to live my life, every day.
There is absolutely nothing to be lost by working the steps. You don't have to give up anything you believe in. Only positive things come about when I use them. I learn more and more about myself and what makes me tick. I learn more and more and about taking care of myself and about how to have relationships with my fellow human beings.
Hello MaryPoppins, Your post struck a chord with me. I have evolved in alanon, and have found that as I have grown I grow into different areas of alanon. I think everyone has a personal alanon, that works for them. I do not fit into any mold, and have always taken what I liked and left the rest. But I have tried to keep an open mind, and have found great comfort and strength in what annoyed me 5 years ago. That was what I thought the alanon "spiritual" component is. Now I'm realizing that it is what I believe it is and what brings me serenity and peace. I'm sure its different than others out there, but it works for me.
This "take what you like and leave the rest" is absolutely Al-Anon.... I have never felt pressured or blamed in Al-Anon, and I don't think the "program" does any of that.... In my opinion, Al-Anon offers tried and tested suggestions on how/what we may want to do in order to deal with the effects of a loved one's addictions - some will be applicable to us, and others may not be....
I read stories here about the negativity that has happened to people at meetings, and I can only surmise that these are "people" trying to apply their take on Al-Anon, as opposed to the program itself.... (as in, there are the full range of personalities who attend, from shy, to aggressive, to manipulative, etc).
I think..... you taking what YOU need out of Al-Anon.... is exactly what it's all about....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
For me MaryPop (o: I believe you take what you want and leave the rest. Because maybe we are not ready for the stuff we leave yet.
I remember a neat guy from along time ago, saying using was just a symtom of the disease. I disagreed. ignorance.
I learned over time how very true that was.
When I read, "Getting Them Sober" I had happend to pick it up at a used book store, I could not believe that allowing him to be homeless, not do his inventory could be true.
I would look for needles and bottles, the whole works, Be horrified when he started getting mean and caught him lieing. He never lied to me before, ever.
The disease that he got from relapse was not the same guy he was when I used to know him, as the medical relapse and brain surgery, left him a nutcase.
Anyway this is my view.
We are not ready until we are. I feel myself continually maturing with Al Anon. Lately It has been horribly tough in ways of being persecuted. I am learning even more and more about me too.
When people respond with their esh, there may be things we will always leave as it does not pertain to us, or maybe we just plain do not agree.
I have felt Al Anon and HP mold me into a much much better person. Having my almost degree in counseling, (3 months short, Mother died and my love, AH went nuts. I had to take care of them)five years of college! old 40 year old lol
Anyway having so much education into so many life, social skills, hurting people, addiction, eating disorders, depression, gender obstacles etc and being naturally a earth mother, I have learned I do have things to share, and I care so much.
I learned I am not critical of others. I do look for the good. BUt again learned thru Al Anon that there are eggs with bad behaviors and hearts! It taught me to stand up for me, and teach others how to treat me, and ask for what I want.
All strange concepts for a lady raised by a terribly shy mother. She grew too though.
Mary Pop, I have learned sooooo much more than Alanon skills here. For me it all comes together with my HP and all these people who give their service and share their esh. I have seen your progressing too. Hey I did not yell or baby him or enable. BUT It is my experience, as his disease got worse and worse, that for him it was enabling him to live here, as I learned my AH loved being made comfortable and to cont. using.
Sooo that is what made him go to mommies and then this next woman who doesn't ever want him back in her place again. Her and I talk. She feels bad for enabling him, i shared how the disease makes us sick too.
Anyhooo glad to have met ya, you busy talker! Love to see ya on the m board.
Doing step 4 WITH a good sponsor may be very eye opening if you have not done so. A good sponsor will not allow you simple yes or no answers and will make you dig a bit. I discovered plenty of things about myself that I was absolutely sure that I "wasn't"..and I was. It's all about being honest and really looking.
Our egos can be pretty darn big until a sponsor makes us do a complete reality check. Some of us love being on that pity pot, some have to be the center of attention, some have to brag for attention, tell people how smart they are or how men chase them, gossip, complain about others behind their backs....All signs of insecurity or the need to be right. We've all seen it. But those people are the same ones that will deny it to the bone and get very defensive.
After working the steps these things have new meaning. We have dug up our defects and they are front and center for us to deal with.
IMO, there are many reasons to do the steps. This is just an example of one step. By the rime someone does all 12 they see a very big change from the person that began at step one.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can think of many things to say in regards to this post , what came to mind was the thought that we are all unique but have to be careful that it dosent become terminal . Terminal uniqueness keeps me separate from other people ( better than , smarter than = sicker than ) for me . The twelve steps are a guide to living life to the fullest ,* mine*. take what u like and leave the rest I get , I did that myself for a yr or two but soon realized that not much was changing , slogans, one linners just arent enough for me . along time ago I was told . You don't do Al-Anon u live it .
, thanks again.