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I have notice a lot lately how I react to what ever environment I am in or what people I am surrounded by. My boss talks about others, critising, judging I dont want to hear it but I am trying to be polite and I feel obliged to engage in the conversation. I always try and get her to see that other persons good points etc its like I am trying to control change here thought process.
The other day I went to my parents house they were discussing a bit family holiday again my mum was dominating the conversation. It got a bit tense I found myself joining in. I have read that when we are working the programme we can stay serene inside even when we are surrounded by madness. After a event I can reflect and thing wow that was madness but I am still finding it hard not to react to others.
Hope this makes sense any ESH would be appreciated
Well, I guess its how you interpret things. I actually try very hard to not stay close to the madness for long. For example, my father, dry drunk and angry angry man, can take the smallest of conversations and have a world war III screaming match by himself, and I find no matter how calm I am, it jeapordizes MY PEACE and serenity, so I don't stay long at my parents house. I love my Dad, but am now able to see how his reactions can make ME react, so I try not to subject myself to it.
On occassion lately, I've said things to him about his explosions. At my mom's birthday it actually worked. Normally i would sit in fear, waiting for his ridicule, but he literally had to get a dish at my mom's direction, and the doorbell rang and for some reason doing the two things at once SET him off and he started SCREAMING for everyone else to "CALM DOWN" which everyone else was calm. This ticked me off as it was my mom's birthday. She mind you, cooked her own birthday meal, set the table, was patiently waiting on everyone (with some help from me), and I then, snapped back EVERYONE IS CALM BUT YOU.
Now, I don't recommend this, but it felt good for once to stand up for my mom and myslef and two, it did put him right into place. Normally, this would NEVER have worked, and he would have screamed, pissed and moaned, and belittled me in front of my family.
I guess my point is, I try hard not to stay at my parents for long because I realize how my Dad's anger affects me. I try not to subject myself to it. I can't control him or what he does, but I have ultimate control of my decisions and I choose to walk away from a situation that makes me loose my peace and serenity.
Ok my experience is, I sorta go inside myself if everything around me is in chaos.
I mean I sit back, listen, but talk to hp, and breath. Think,"is this my problem?" Drop my elbows, deep breaths, relax my face and body.
I know my inner serenity, that trust in good, that faith, love, knowing no matte what everything will be ok.
tracy I leaned young about being around painful situations. Husband died at age 27. So much gossip and meaness was said.
I got to a "friends" mom's house and they were gossiping how his death was my fault! Was horrible.
I had been damaged by so many bad situations, that when I came to MIP I was a shy, isolated hermit.
Serenity from Al Anon allowed me to learn how to be confidant, not take any boloney from anyone. I don't allow anyone to treat ne badly and I don't even get involved in any drama.
There is no drama in my life.
The last thing that happened to me I fought hard. At first I was so hurt, mad, etc. But yet I also had the inner serenity. No matter what happens everything will be ok.
I have felt the pain of my loved ones dieing so many times, my very sweet dog disappearing, fighting to keep our home, my now husband gone So honestly I know nothing can happen that everything will be ok.
Again I would ask you what makes you allow yourself to become part of their drama?
When detaching altogether is not an option, and with something like this, silently reciting the Serenity Prayer helped me control my reaction when I feel others aren't.
The thing is called detaching. I know for me it took a great deal of practice still does. The more you do it the better you will be able to handle adversity. There is a primer at www.coping.org.
In support (((((Tracy)))))...in time with practice and following the suggestion you will arrive at that place you've just known your spirit believed in and you will never be the same or want to go back or have to. Keep coming back there is a different you that you've just gotta meet. (((((hugs)))))
Wow I love this site just when I feel lost you through me the tools. You are all right I have choices and I choose to get involved in the drama. I used to live in a bubble of denial and as I become more aware of this world I see how insane it can be at times. however I have tools from Al non to use NEED TO WALK THE WALK mind my own conect woth HP (say a prayer for others instead of trying to fix them) Accept my powerlessness
Tracy, I am new to Al Anon and might not have the most experience in this matter, but your post reminded me of something I read and have experienced recently. My dad is a "bear" sort of personality- he hibernates, mostly, and can be so damn cute and warm that I just want to hold his hand or cuddle up to him. Other times, he is "growl-ie" and sorta ridicules/puts people down, over reacts to dumb things... it's senseless. How he has managed to not push everyone away in those times amazes me. I don't know if it's becuase he has that other side to him (which is more the norm than the growly side), or what. But I was at my parents' house recently and he was standing in the kitchen mucking with the dinner I was trying to make, and was sorta in my way. It's his house, mind you, his kitchen. My dad is 77 years old, and has all white hair and beard-- not that that has anything to do with it-- but maybe really taking a good look at him has helped me see him in a light that shows me a more productive way to deal with him. ANyway, he was snarling about how "someone" hadn't put something away right, and how he couldn't find his coffee cup, and that I had the burner on too hot... etc, etc... and he actually turned my burner down and told me I was going to burn the house up! I just said "now, Dad, there's no reason to be doing that, or using that tone. *I* am making dinner, adn I've got it under control. Why don't you sit down and I'll pour you some coffee?" and with that, I turned the stove back up to where I wanted it, and found his coffee cup (which was sitting there on the counter the whole time). My mom heard me, my fiance, my son... everyone heard me.
My mom later told my STBH "She's become quite a lovely woman, hasn't she?" And you know what? It's true. My dad had to respect what I said. I didn't critisize him, and I wasn't angry with him, and better yet, I wasn't scared of his reaction-- I guess because I was detatched. *HE* was having a problem, and I didn't make it mine.
I read recently that in dealing with mean people (Oprah magazine) there are many "kung fu" approaches (figuratively, of course). There is avoidance, there is coming right back at them, there is deflection, there is distraction, and possibly the highest rank or Black Belt in dealing with meanness is to become the "parent".
I am not sure this is good advice or not, given Al Anon folks usually have enough role reversals going on with their parents. But I think what the article means is that really the best stance is to look at the person and really see them for the problem they are having-- like a parent does with a child who can't tie their shoe and the kid is crying in frustration and getting angry and verbose. The parent isn't involved with the problem, the parent doesn't criticsize the kid... the parent stands back and says/does something helpful that keeps the kid in check, like "Don't be mad at it. You can't learn to tie your shoes if you're angry. Take a deep breath, count back from ten... OK? Now try again."-- that sort of thing. The article gave a better example of this.
The thing is that your dad has a problem. You have a choice. You can make his problem a problem for you, or you can choose to stay out of it. What can you do? He's your dad, and there is, I am assuming, love there. Detatch, take the high road, continue to stand up for what is right in a nice non-offensive way.
My dad looks like an old man to me now. The white hair and beard really say to me: this person is possibly infirm. Don't upset him, but give him firm guidelines-- just like any old person whom you have to disappoint..
That's my 2 cents. Hope it has at least one thing about it that you like or find helpful.
