Does it ever just go away?? Completely?? In need of ESH...... - Al-Anon Family Group

shellyj123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Does it ever just go away?? Completely?? In need of ESH......

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Shelly,
I don't really have any ESH.

I have seperated a few times from my husband who is also my "A". Once for a week shy of a year and he was on my thoughts all the time. I was also new in recovry then.

We split up twice two years ago and I did still have thoughts of him, but not as much. I missed him and wished him well. I think for me it was normal to think about him from time to time. I loved the man. He was/is a huge part of my life and always will be because of the kids. I know there was regret there and a little bit of "if onlys".

For me I think since at the time they were passing thoughts and not obsessions I let it go. I would tell myself it is what it is.

We did reconcile and what I didn't do that you ARE doing is remember that I wasn't treated right. I was hurt the kids were hurt. I remembered the good times and pushed back the not so good times.

Your healing and that is a good thing :). Keep the pace that you feel comfortable with. Who knows next year at this time you may realize that it has been weeks, months, or even a year since you thought of your ex.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, hurts and injuries and memories take as long as they need in order to heal... and the healing rarely happens in my expected time-frame.

For me, it depends a lot on how willing I am to drop something... but sometimes, it just isn't easy at all. All I can do is just keeping asking my Higher Power to change me on the inside and help me to be the person my HP would have me be in my life.

I'll feel better when I feel better and not until then.

I know it's vague, but that's the best of my experience. I think acceptance of the situation and how I feel is important as it helps with the healing process... that way I don't aggravate myself wondering when I'm going to finally just "get over it".

There's nothing WRONG with me if I'm still hurting or scared about something. I am perfectly human in that light.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

You know... I re-read that part about being "willing" to drop something, and actually... that's not quite the right description. I can be VERY willful where it comes to wanting to finally just let something go, but there's something that goes much, MUCH deeper than will alone where releasing hurt goes. I can will it away, but it's not often enough.

Again, why I just have to keep asking my HP to help me with my hurts and fears.

One exercise that has helped me somewhat in the past is to wish those people who hurt me in the past well.. and mean it from the core of my being. It's not that I've been sitting around wishing them horrible luck, either, but sometimes it works for me to send them love via my HP. There's some sort of a release that happens there.

Doesn't always work... as I said, I'll feel better when I feel better and not until then. But it at least helps ease my mind... gives my head something positive to do and feel good about instead of feeling unhappy even more.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Shelly and for me that is "carrying baggage". I carry it everywhere I go no
matter where, what, when, who or why...and until I let it down and let it go I will
carry it. I can learn from what Aloha passed on and I can learn from others.
Some of the reasons I continued to carry the baggage was because the
relationship was so intense and I had much invested. It became an indelible mark
like a tattoo not easily erased.   I carry it because it hurt my esteem, my spirit so
badly that for then I could not, not forget it.   I carried it because I was afraid of it
on different levels and feared it was either true or would happen again. I gave it
power beyond the power it really had.

I learned to let it all go completely or drag it into every other relationship I would
ever have intimate or not because it was so important...I would bring it up within
new relationships to have another look at it to see if I could get another opinion
(ever wonder where the stories in our meetings come from?) or feedback on it so
that I could have another reason to let it drop.

I don't need a special reason to let past hurts drop. All I need is to feel pain now
and I drop it automatically just like grabbing a hot pan handle. The pain is enough
for me to let it go cause I hate feeling old pains.

It does go away completely when you let it go completely and take Aloha's suggest
-ion of praying to HP to give that person every good thing that HP would give to
one of HP's children.  That really works for me!!

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Shelly,

I've known my exAH for 26 yrs, much more than half my life. We truly became adults together - we went to college together, loved each other's familes, had the same friends, built a business, had 3 children.... we were emeshed in every way.

It has been about 3 years since his addictions truly took control enough to drop us over the cliff, and I came into reality in regards to what our life was really about. Initially, I was willing to do ANYTHING and sacrifice EVERYTHING to have what I thought could and should be. Fact is, yes, "we" could have been truly happy IF ONLY he was someone he clearly was not. It truly has taken me 3 years to realize that I was not happy in our relationship, and even tough I am alone now, I am not nearly as lonely as I was when I was with him.

Hang on, my friend, and keep moving forward. The pain of the past was much too much. You never need to go there again. It does get better.

Blessings,
Lou

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I dont know. I could say, take more time grieving b4 u get involved with anyone new but it took me 8 yrs to get over my exAH and we were only together for 5 years! I could say it is part of our sickness, missing what was abusive, what we can no longer have, fantasizing about the past.

It takes time to let go (for me it did) and it takes contstant prcatise and work. In the past when I would think of my exAH, I would get the sick feeling he was thinking about me too and I would pray to hp/god to let it go. I hope he is getting better but Im not interested in ever seeing or hearing from him again. Too toxic for me. I learned that lesson!

It could be that ur reminiscing, or maybe comparing these men - another thing I had to learn to not do anymore.

Maybe ur feeligns are dveloping for new guy and this is scary and this is what is causing u to look back fondly. Only u can get to the answers for you. I do know for me that realizing I did all I could with a relationship helps me move on with a clear conscience. Sometimes u dont get that chance together, so u have to do it after the fact.

I say focus on now and what u can be grateful for today. When I work to let the past be there and focus on now, I am much happier and can be in reality.

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

My personal experience for 13 long miserable years after I left my EXAH is that I just kept bringing more and more baggage into each subsequent relationship (none of which were healthy in the first place).

I never worked though the grief process after each relationship ended, nor did I have any desire to look at the common denominator in all my relationships, which was me.

I wasn't willing to address those deep issues that had me picking the men that I did in the first place.

After my ex-fiance walked out on me over ten years ago, for the first time in my life, not only was I in pain, but I also saw the pain in my youngest daughter and my granddaughter.

It was at that time I was finally in enough pain to make a serious and ongoing commitment to my recovery, and to stay out of any relationships at all until I did some extensive internal work, including therapy, and of course Alanon.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.