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Today has been a tough day. It's been 6 weeks since breaking up with my abf. I've learned alot and progressed in my recovery, but today has been difficult.
Today, in fact, I've been questioning my decision to break up with him. I did so because I did not want to be on the receiving end of his alcoholic behavior - denial, beligerence, manipulation, etc. But today I wonder if I gave up too soon. In many of the books I've read spouses, etc. have successfully managed their relationships so I question why couldn't I? Why did I draw such firm boundaries and stick to them? Could we have had something different had I held on a while?
I've been questioning my decision for a while now, but that's been masked primarily through my working to gain understanding of the sickness. Now that I feel I'm moving on in my recovery I wonder if I let him go too soon.
Or is it just the loneliness talking? Is there someone who can lend some clarity to my doubts?
Once again I can completely relate to you. I have thought that a few times as well. And when I think this I just tell myself if it was meant to be HP will bring us back together. Just for today we wont be together.
Why do we have these thoughts? I don't know..maybe because we do love them? You say I wonder if I gave up to soon...do you mean gave up on him?
I have also been saying that lately I left because I gave up on him, I gave up the hope that one day we would be happy.
Now I am gaining some hope that maybe ONE day we will be together and we will be happy, but it's not going to be today. I still need to continue working on me. I need to be happy with ME before I can be happy with him now.
Melissa
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
To answer your question - no, I haven't given up on him. I still am very sorry he is sick and want nothing more for him but to get sober. However, I want that for him whether he's in my life or not.
I guess I meant did I give up on our relationship too soon. Was my boundary too concrete? Should I have hung around a bit longer just to see...
I suggest you question why you are questioning. You must have thought your initial boundaries were important to keep and you were dilligent in upholding and acting on them. Has he changed? If not, would you keep the same boundaries?
Loneliness can make us second guess. We begin to question if things were really that bad. My guess is you didn't imagine it.
It's kinda like labor pains. If you remembered how much it hurt, you probably wouldn't do it again. lol
*Look back, but don't stare.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yes, we have the saying, look back but dont stare bc it is very easy & human nautre to recall a bad experience less painfully then it really was, we make excuses. If u relaxed ur boundaires and were putting up with stuff u knew was not right for you... u would be going through a lot of resentment right now at yourself & dealing with that.
It is easy and dangerous to "what if" - it takes u out of right now and what u can do productive or empowering today. It is my belief that u spared yourself a lot of pain and grief but it didnt get to that point for you, as u stopped the relationship. Sure A's are exciting, dynamic, charismatic - they have that bc they are excellent actors & master manipulators.
I dont think a relatinship with someone who is fundamentally emotionally unavailable is a fulfilling one for anyone. Ive heard people say they were never so lonely as they are in their alcoholic marriages. But what u do is up to you.
For me, I know when I leave a relationship, I do give myself some time to make sure it has run it's course and I did all I could, so that I can leave with a clear conscience. Even if I lose my temper and end it abruptly which Ive also done in the past -- well, I'm just done. I dont go back after Ive broken up. Except with my current bf -- I did break up with him and he did make a grand gesture, fly to see me and beg my forgiveness and for another try. So here we are, together still.
If u want to be sure of ur decision, reach out to him & see how he is, you may very quickly see why u left or u may want more. This is a progressive disease, so it will get worse for him and those around him. Their livs are filled with drama so they can have justificataions & excuses to use. Those that love them, pay a price for loving them. Someone told me once in chat, 'an A loathes themsleves so if u can love them, they look down on you and treat u like crap bc they dont see how u can love someone who is so unlovable' - they justify their abuse to you and that validates how crappy they are to themselves. It is a very vicious cycle of abuse.
We will support u no matter what u decide to you ((((((((((((hawk))))))))))))
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hello Dear Friend, the loneliness is the hardest thing to overcome...It takes time, you need to sit back heal for yourself and give it time. Is he in recovery???
Some of the decisions we make we second guess ourselves alot. However take your time do what is best for you.....no one can tell you but you if you did the right thing or not....I wish you the best in you decision making....when I asked my husband to leave it almost killed me...I had a very hard time adjusting to it....I was so lonely....I thought he would just get worse, all kinds of terrible thoughts ran thru my head....
Then I realized one day at a time sometimes one second at a time was the only way to get thru this.......
This tends to be why journalling is such a valuable thing... if we write out our feelings, in the moment.... we can remember things as they actually were, how we actually felt when they were here.... if we don't, we tend to remember with 'rose colored glasses' - forgetting the pain, and just remember what we want to remember....
Journal freely.... write down your good feelings, your hurt ones, etc., etc..... it can be a very helpful tool...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Everyone has a different story. I managed to live with an A for 7 years. I can't say it was plain sailing. I'd also say that enmeshment rather than endearment was one of the reasons why.
We can't actually know the real story for many people. That's why the program is so important because we begin to view what others did and celebrated.
Relationships are based on reciprocity. When I was with an alcoholic it was all one way to him and about him. There was no room for anything else. He pretty much destroyed his entire life and mine with it.
Sometimes we know when it is time to go, sometimes we have to use a lot of program tools to get by. I know I do. I'm two years out and my life is incredibly hard. I can't say it was as hard as living with him but its incredibly difficult, tedious and very very much on survival.
Leaving is never ever easy. I know I stayed way way too long. I'm aware of people on this board who managed to make a loving, active life with an active alcoholic, the one I was with precluded any chance of that.
Hi, I'm new here, although I've been lurking for a long time (pretty much every time my ABF relapses, lol) but it took your thread to draw me out of the woodwork and post.
I'm at the point of trying to muster up the strength to end our relationship and I'm grateful for your example in showing me point-blank that others have been able to achieve this. And that it won't be easy.
I know what you mean -- leaving him right now seems to me like an admission that there is no hope for anything better in the future, while acknowledging that I can't live with the way things are.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
What you describe is so real, so understandable and so familiar. Sometimes, when my ABF is being kind and not using, I forget the worst of his dry drunk days, his self-loathing and manipulations, his drain on my heart, my self-respect, my time, my time with my child, and my feeling of well-being. I also forget these things when he leaves town or goes away for a while.
When he comes back, without him being in recovery or at least trying to be sober, it's only a matter of days before I feel terrible again. I have left him before for good (I thought) and during that time I always wondered what might have happened, what if he really was my soul mate, what if we really were meant to be with one another and I was simply not strong enough to deal with his problems? After the breakup, he was there for me as a friend for over a year, and we went through some pretty tough times together.
One day our love returned, and we started dating again, and I set up strict boundaries to keep me healthy. I had spent some time in counseling, healing, and I thought, "See? I worked through it and it was worth it!"
This feeling only lasted so long. Unfortunately, I was six months pregnant when he had his first brutal relapse and it's been a ride on a terribly sad roller coaster since then. He is "better" than he used to be, but until he gets into recovery or even tries to stay sober again, I am back exactly where I started with him seven years ago. My boundaries are constantly tested, and soon I will have to make the tough decision you have just faced.
I now have a beautiful son, but I worry for my boy while he watches how his father copes with his problems and treats me, learning more every day, and I know it's got to change or I have to leave.
Do I ever wonder are me and the ABF truly meant to be together? Not so much any more. More than anything now I feel trapped ever tighter sometimes. You at least are a few miles ahead of me, strong enough to physically detach from the situation.
Kitty had some good ideas, like reach out to them and see what you get. My story above is what I got, and am still getting. I love my ABF but the unpredictability of our life, and the amount of pain I must endure to live it with him are not worth the wasted hours in a beautiful lifetime. I love him, but he has to face this demon alone.
The most wonderful thing is...you met your partner, and you will meet another partner, too. We all have so many soul mates! It sounds like you will be better prepared to have a healthier relationship that will reward you, not leave you empty and wondering why.
((((((((I hope the folks reaching out to you on this board let you know you are not alone, and help give you support in this time.)))))))))))
