The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you for all the wonderful advice. I took my daughter and her boyfriend to lunch today. I simple let it fly, I told my daughter that I love her and I will support her and her daughter until she finishes school. That promise I made to her 2 yrs ago and I intend to keep it. After all you are my child......and I love you.
I told them however, Chris I can not support you. You are a grown man with an income of your own and I don't see how you can expect your girl friends mom to support you. I can not and will not do this....If you do not wish to contribute to the household you can go to your moms and live.
I also said, I was 17 yrs young when I left my parents home and I am still doing it on my own...I told him I don't expect you to pay my bills however, if you are going to be a part of this family then you have to act like it.....when things are short around here I do expect you to help Samantha out with gas money for school and if she needs something you should help her after all if you love someone you should not want to see them go without anything.
I also expect you to buy groceries......not just things for yourself when the frige is empty but things for the whole house....I said, this past week has been really rough and you just went to the store bought a few things and said, those are mine. When I shop I never say those are mine or his...this is a family and we share. We help each other in any way we can. So I did not give him a dollar amount I will give this some time. A couple of weeks and see what happens.
Any way no matter what happens I feel better it was kind of consuming me and the kids say I have not been so nice to live with. I said, I should not have had to say anything. You being a grown man should have asked or offered. Do you not think my bills have gone up since you have been here....well they have.
So that said, it is a better day, life is getting so much better here....things are calming these days...my g=daughter is the joy of my life and I just love her...Zach is a senior with a part time job, with laughter in his face again...I love that....daughter seems to really be loving college and I seem to be loving life again...I think that is why I was so at wits end, we were just finding peace again.
He is not a bad kid, he is not an addict or alcoholic just greedy......lol.....so decided not to let my rain on my parade.
I am still taking things one day at a time......only the miserable and crying days are fewer and fewer and I seem to find myself similing a lot more lately.
I'm glad you spoke up, however you may still need to reclaim your space as you said. I would have been asking for 1/4 of everything if he was going to stay. Since no one "asked" if it was OK for him move in, I probably just would have went with "this isn't working for me, leave"...but you can always change the rules if you want to since it's your house and your space he's invading.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Thursday 3rd of September 2009 06:58:48 PM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Sorry I didn't get time to post yesterday, but wanted to say that I have recently faced a similar situation. My permission was sought, and I freely gave it, but I also set boundaries up front. Yeh for alanon. So far so good. They have been very respectful of our boundaries, and we have been of theirs as well. Incredible!
Anyway, thinking of you and sending many hugs your way. My grandson is doing great too.
Just to update the jest of my post is progress not perfection...one of the hardest lessons I have learned in Alanon and one I try to practice every day....
Andrea, I need to suck in some of your strength tonight. My nephew showed up on my doorstep and is here for night number two now. I let it be known this evening, I thought he was leaving. Apparently my strong hint wasn't gotten. SIGH, he announced he had no one to go "camping" with so he'd be back to stay this evening. Ummm.... I have so much I could say right now, but I'm trying to breathe and let this go.
He needs to leave, as my peace and serenity are GREATLY affected while he is here. He is the son of an alcoholic, no job, lives off the system, and us, and everyone around, excellent liar, and it triggers me greatly. Tomorrow, he needs to go, so tonight, I already have one situation I'm anxious over, and he is putting me over the edge.
Anyways, you gave me strenght in your post. Thank you. IP
My sponsor always tells me, just because a boundary is set, does not mean anyone is going to respect it. You may have to restate it again and again. Watch your expectations.
To avoid further resentment, I would draw up a firm agreement. I believe that being vague will not produce good results. If you let him guess what is appropriate, he may guess wrong.
Personally, I would have him pay a portion of the rent and utilities. He is an adult. Reality is, adults pay rent and utilities.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Sounds like you set the foundation for what is to happen next. I know for me, sometimes when I realize that I did not set a boundary that I should have, I need give a "warning", or fair opportunity to turn it around and make it work. By doing so, I feel more secure in my decision-making process, and not like a crazy-woman (the way I feel) that just "suddenly" changed her mind. You put the responsibility where it belongs.
Good job, Andrea!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I used to find something endearing in really selfish men. I can't say I do anymore. I really long for a reciprocal relationship. I know many many selfish jerks start out okay even nice then they reveal their real side.
I know one thing I have come to see is that there has to be a consequence if people don't "hear" your boundaries. I no longer keep going on about a boundary if someone doesn't respect it another boundary goes in!
