The material presented
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to exchange
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level.
I am 36 and have been married for 14 years. My husband and I have 1 teenage daughter. My husband is an alcoholic. I have just recently realized that - yes he is one. I can't go to Alanon meetings locally because of the time that the group meets and I can't keep going like I am with out help. I have always been able to handle any amount of pressure or stress, but now it seems the opposite. I can't handle anything. Simple things like a stain on my pants will create anxiety for me. I wonder every evening if he will be sober or not when he comes home. So much pain and confusion. I don't know how much more I can take and yet I don't give up. I don't know what it would be like to give up, but it's so hard to keep going. I'm not talking suicide or anything like that, but more and more, I just want to be alone. Conversation is to much sometimes. I just don't want to think at all. Nothing makes sense and yet, the truth is right before my eyes. My husband is an alcoholic and I am his wife. I have seen him become this way over the last 15 years and didn't even realize it was happening and now he won't turn back. Why can't he just see it and stop? I see it. My daughter see's it. Yes, sometimes I believe what he says. I know in my head that it's not me, but in my heart I wonder. Did I cause this or aid in him becoming this way? I know that the answer is no, but I am so confused. I worry about the affects on my daughter. She see's it all. I am afraid to let her have friends over because of the atmosphere in our house. Last time she had a friend over I took them to the movies and when we got home, he was passed out on the garage floor with the drink and ice spilled out in front of him. I can't subject my daughter to the humiliation and I can't allow her friends to witness it either. It's not fair to them. I am just so confused and everything else that goes with this disease and I don't know how to move forward with out leaving him. I don't want to leave. Can I live like this and be happy and have a life?
Your choice for Happiness is your own...Your Husband being an alcoholic, is his disease... Not yours, I know from my experience with the "A's" (Alcoholics) in my life, that it took me a LONG time to admit that what they had was a sickness... I lost my Afather to alcoholism last Nov. and did not find al-anon till after wards... Even now... I can say what a blessing it has been to my life...
If you can't make F2F meetings in your area, then come to the meeting on this board when you can... They are a true blessing... For me when I started I was told to buy the books of al-anon to get me started so that I could then take care of myself... One good one is called "Getting them Sober" it is very informational, and will help you better understand the disease for what it is...
Yes you & your daughter should be at the top of your own list...Detaching with Love is a GREAT Place to start... Just read up on Detachment, and it will better help you understand...It doesn't by no means tell you to leave your husband or your marriage, but it can better explain what you CAN do to better your situation...For you and for her....
Coming back here for Love & Support is a HUGE HELP... I can come here and VENT, CRY, Or Laugh and I am supported by many that Understand what it is I go thru on a daily basis... You will find that MANY HERE have been were you are, and once you acknowledge the alcoholic, and acknowledge that you need help... Well Hun... You are In The Right Place...
In Order for you to find yourself again, I would suggest Keep Coming Back, Posting, & Sharing your Story with others, You will find very understanding, kind people that want nothing more then for you to heal... And see that You can Be Happy... With or Without the alcoholic in your life....
We can only go One Day At A Time... For that is the only moment we can count on is Now...
So glady ou found us... Hope to hear more from you...
Can I live like this and be happy?? absolutely yes and Al-Anon will show u how to do that . Your not the reason he drinks , were simply not that powerful to make anyone drink if we were we could make them stop ! If you leave this board to day with nothing else Know that YOU are not the reason he drinks. You say u cant get to a meeting because of time in your area , your worth the effort perhaps a city a few miles away will have a more suitable time schedule for you. Al-Anon will change your life . We have a part in this mess , most of us are enablers we lie for them , we beleive thier lies over and over again , we cover up thier mistakes , we make excuses to family and friends for thier crappy behavior . until we stop doing those things nothing is going to change . If we want change we have to be will ing to create it . waiting for the alcoholic to * see the light * is a waste of time . Get the focus back on yourself , change what u can YOU and your life will get better. What your doing isn't working and your getting worn out even the toughest of us all caves eventually . we too have to hit our bottom . Until u find a meeting that fits your time schedule we have meetings here every day 9 am and pm eastern time , the rest of the time the chat room is open . hope to see u there. Louise
Hello there-- I am working the steps and it is changing my life. Start with step one, and read other people's input about it. Name 15 things you are powerless over, and how these things have made your life unmanagable.... start there.
I feel 100% better after finding this website. My situation is may be a little different but I know I am a codependent and an enabler. But I see so clearly now that it's not mean to not lie for him, it's taking care of myself and letting him walk the path he's on without interference from me. In any case, we have no control over what happens...
I have a teenage son. He sees my STBH (soon to be husband) go outside to get stoned, or he sees him come in and smells it... It's sad. BUt I can't protect my son from that. My son asked me about it, and I told him the truth "Well, he went outside and probably smoked some pot, so now he's probably stoned." we talk a lot about the personality changes we see in him, and sometimes now my son will look at me with a sort of amused expression or an "O, I thought so" glance my way happens. My son said "Maybe he'll change. Can't you just tell him you don't want him to do it anymore?" I told him that that would be like asking a sick person not to cough, and that I have to love him the way he is and I don't expect him to change any time soon although I think it would be wonderful for him if he did. I told my son he doesn't have to love him like I do, but that we can all respect and treat each other well. HE said he likes J (stbh), but he doesn't look up to him. I said "that's appropriate. Good thing you have wonderful uncles and granddads, huh?"
I try to use it as a chance at an education of sorts... I guess, in my mind, what else am I going to do? IF he sees J passed out, I"d say "This is what happens. Doesn't look very fun, does it?" We want to protect our kids, of course we do. I think of all my son has to gain by learning from the mistakes of my life. Hiding it or running away, to me, would be giving him a distorted picture. STBH is a nice man, a decent man. But he's disfunctional and has poor coping skills. I don't have to be like that, and neither does my son. I beleive in love, and even if I left him for a sober guy, or to be single, my life would still have issues. None of us, no matter what life path we are on, are free of issues- at least not in my experience.
So, it's up to me and what sort of problems I want, in a way, isn't it? So far, STBH is not a problem for me-- since I joined this website, that is. And I'm only on step 3!
YOu have come to the right place. Keep coming back. woops
You are right where you need to be.....this place saved my life and positively saved my sanity so hugs to you and welcome....
I was married for 22 yrs to an alcoholic addict....there were many happy yrs in there also there were many miserable times as well....
Is this having an affect on your daughter yes it is.....I also have two teenage children...being a teen is hard enough on it's own...This is a family disease dear friend, it affects every aspect of our lives....
Please keep in mind you did not cause it, you can not cure it and most importantly love has nothing and I mean nothing to do with it.......
One day at a time sometimes one second at a time is how we get thru.....trust me there were many days I lived the one second at a time and some how we get thru.
I lost my husband to this awful disease......where there is life there is hope...take it easy on you...come to meetings here if you cant get to face to face meetings once again welcome welcome welcome...................please keep coming and keep posting......
Oh, could you please make the print a little bigger I have old eyes....lol.....laughter is the key dear friend where ever we find it.
I just want to welcome you and let you know that Alanon has a guarantee. "If you try at least 6 different meetings and find Alanon is not for you, they will refund your misery."
That guarantee was enough to keep me going to meetings. You say you cannot attend. There are online meetings though they are not like face to face meetings.
Keep coming, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Can you live "like this" and be happy. The answer is a resounding NO!!! It is necessary to learn how to change your life whether or not he changes his. You can become serene in the knowledge that his alcoholism is HIS problem, and you can learn to rise above the tension and stress it causes you. This is not an easy journey to be sure, but AlAnon will help you every step of the way. COme back here if you cannot get to meetings, and come often. There is much reading material to help you as well.
I do not agree with those who say, "You are right where you need to be." I cannot grasp that kind of abstract thinking. You are miserable, and that is not where you need to be. But you can get there. We are all here to help you do that.
Best of good wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I think what we might mean about You are Where you Need To be is at Al Anon.
But I know what you mean, Diva. I was in a suicide survivors on line support group and I remmeber it being so awkward to say "welcome" to a new member. I always had to follow it up with "Sorry for the reason you are here"
I think that before coming to Al Anon, I was near my rope's end... maybe I needed to feel that way to reach out and start this journey.
So, Welcome, sorry you had to find ths place. You'll find a lot of support here for changing your life in such a positive way you'll never look back!
I drive 20 minutes to one of my meetings and 35 to another, and both of them are absoultely worth it! I understand what it is like to live with alcoholism/addiction for years, for life to be crumbling, and to not even know it. How I wish I had found al-anon years ago! No, you cannot continue to live with it as is, but you can make it better for YOU and your daughter.
Though our stories are all different, we all know your pain. It provides great comfort to sit with a group of people who have lived it too. We understand. It can be better.
Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Welcome this is a pretty awesome resource. I know I went to the online meetings here for a long long time as well as to the chat room and met some incredible inspiring people. If you post here and reply to posts you will learn a great deal. I would suggest reading the book Getting them Sober.
Many of us have been in your shoes. I can't say life is one big ball of fun for me at the moment but its a long long way from when I got here.
WLECOME TO OUR MIP FAMILY 
