The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has come to realize that he has an alcohol problem. He as of today has went to 2 meetings. He has had a problem for years now. Now that he is begining this new life I want to be there for him but I feel helpless and don't really know how to help him. I came from a family to drinkers and have been around it my whole life. I am not a drinker and have just been enabling him to keep doing it. I hae had enough of the hurt and pain it cause me and our 3 young boys age 6, 3, and 9 weeks. i unstand that it will not happen overnight. I feel like I am going to have to give up everything to help him. We don't have any friends or family member who don't drink. The most I have seen him go without drinking was 30 days. And then he falls right back into it again. I feel like I am going to have to lose everything to put my whole heart into this and I am willing to do that but scared at the same time. Scared of failure! There is only so much I can do to help him. I know and he does too that this is tearing our family apart and he says he wants to change and he wants me to help him but I don't know how. Any suggestions?
We don't give advice here at Alanon. We just share what we have done and learned. You take what you like and leave the rest.
How can you help your husband?
First thing that comes to my mind is how are you helping yourself? What are you doing for YOU? If you are not caring for yourself and constantly worrying about him getting better who is caring for you?
I kept wanting to help the A's (alcoholics) in my life. I grew up around it and my sons father is an alcoholic. I kept trying time and time to help him, but I am powerless over alcohol. I can not cure him, fix him or change him. It took me so long to figure this out. I used to dump out liquor, take keys away, take his money so he couldn't buy it, tell him I was going to leave...but he still kept drinking and I just kept feeling crappier. If I were to force him to go to treatment it would do me or him no good. He will not quit till he is ready. He may go to treatment, but most likely will relapse and go back to the bottle. They have to hit their rock bottom and be willing to quit on their own not because of what others say.
You wrote:
I feel like I am going to have to give up everything to help him.
Could you try something for awhile just to see if it works? Try this look up Alanon in your phone book and go to as many meetings as you can. We are told to go to 6 fairly close together before we decide if alanon is right for us or not. I have hope that YOU will learn a TON and will find ways to deal with this and be happy.
How do I help the A's in my life?
I quit enabling them I worry about ME I don't lie for them I don't cover up for them I have learned and still learning how to detach with love
I always tell myself I have to step aside and let them fall on their own so they can learn the consequences of the disease so they can get better on their own because no matter how hard I try it will NOT help them it will and has just torn me apart.
I have been in Alanon 8-9 months and I will keep coming back. I am now happy, I have serenity in my life, I have made new friends, if the A's in my life chose to continue drinking I am okay with it because it's not my life it's theirs.
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 09:43:10 PM
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Thank you Melissa for your insight...I have looked that up and meetings are on Monday night in my town. I am willing to do whatever I need to do to help him. How do I know if he has hit rock? I really do think he is ready to change and wants help and is seekng the help but I guess I don't know what I am supposed to do? And I am hoping I will find that answer at these meetings.
How do you know if he has hit rock bottom? You don't know. And trying to figure it out is not going to help you.
For me I started changing when I hit my rock bottom. My life was unmanageable. I didn't know what else to do. I was sad, lonely, hurt.....I was googling anything and everything I could think of to help HIM and I found this room. This room is to help ME and I am working my program and I feel much better.
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
T;he only positive way I know to support our husb attempts at sobriety is to get a program of our own , find meetings for yorself , take care of you. We are enablers and we have a part in this mess too , the alcoholic isnot the only one who has to change we do too and al anon will show u how to do that . go to as many meetings a week as u can , get support from people who have been where your at and will walk u thru it . Keep the focus on yourself , leave him to God and AA and let Al-Anon take care of you .
Welcome to the wonderful place called Miracles in Progress......progress not perfection...I have found this place to be a wonderful and very helpful place of learning acceptance. Accept what we can not change......
You can support him, love him and love yourself and those wonderful children...what you have to realize is that....his recovery is on him and you have to seek recovery for you....you can not keep him sober this is on him entirely....you did not cause this and you can not cure it....
With 3 little one's it is probably hard for you to get out....the meetings here are a wonderful place to start.....
The best thing you can do for his recovery is to get into recovery for yourself. I discovered this a little late. But better late than never. Turn him and his recovery over to his HP and concentrate on yours. Welcome to the MIP family. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I thnk the best way to help him might be to go to al anon and get out of his way.
I would suggest reading the book Getting them Sober. I did not read that book until I was here a few years. Toby Rice Drew, the author has some very good advice and you can refer to the book when you are wondering what to do next.
