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I've been dating a girl for years who used to be married to an abusive Alcoholic. She tried everything to get him to stop but that's in her past now.
My problem is she lives thes courage to change books as if they are the Bible. I am everything her Ex. wasn't. We never argue, we never fight, we've never had a disagreement we respect each other anl love each other to death.
No where in this book does it mention husband/wife, BF/GF. She's taking the book I believe out of context. The one day at a time thing has got me crazy, she won't even talk about tomorrow it's all about today. She's been down and we are almost out. Yesterday I had her laughing for the first time in weeks good right, no she says she laughing at life not me or us. She always finds something in the book to be negative about. If I compliment her to much I think to highly of her. If she's happy it's not right because we make each other happy and not our self. I've never been happier in my life but now she had read the book and is trying to convince me i can't be happy because she makes me happy I don't make my self happy. WHAT!!!? What can I do? Am I wrong. I read this book and we should be doing great but when I read her a paragraph or two she says well it's all in the interpretation. She is atticted to these books.
ruining your relationship ?? funny it improved all of mine . Your g/f has been affected by alcoholism and trust me it just dosent go away because u leave the relationship , you may be diff than her ex but she hasnt worked her way out of it yet . One day at a time is a great way to live once u get the hang of it . and i agree it is perception , we all gt something diff from the daily readers . If you have not lived with alcoholism your not going to understand her need to continue . Your not wrong just confused . accept that she needs to be there and of course the books talk about boy friends husbands etc , usually using the word alcoholic . Our literature is for us , not about the alcoholic it is how to improve our lives really has nothing to do with them . be patient and accept that she has to do this for herself. for the moment that is where she is at. I agree with her that one person cannot make me happy that is my job , no one else can do it for me , Happiness is an inside job . anyone else in my life is a bonus . I do know if you try to convince her that this program is not a good thing u probably will loose her . she obviously needs to be right where she is at . You say your happy , u make each other happy that is a good thing . enjoy
You say he is in her past now....I will have to be honest in what I read in your post and that is that he is definitely in her present now, just her subconscious. It is nearly impossible to move on with a new relationship without dealing with the grief of the old relationship. My question is this...does she go to f2f meetings? If not it might be an excellent idea for her to start going in order to learn the tools to put the past where it belongs in the past and be happy with it there. If she gets a sponsor they can work the steps together, the 4th, 5th, and 6th steps are excellent tools to deal with a relationship that went wrong. While we are talking about going to f2f meetings it would be a good idea for you to go as well. The reason being is that her X's alcoholism is affecting you. You see this program works for everyone not just those that are directly affected by the disease of alcoholism. We learn the tools needed to live for today and today only and to apply the program to our every day life.
Just my two cents.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
ruining your relationship ?? funny it improved all of mine . Your g/f has been affected by alcoholism and trust me it just dosent go away because u leave the relationship , you may be diff than her ex but she hasnt worked her way out of it yet . One day at a time is a great way to live once u get the hang of it . and i agree it is perception , She will not even talk of paying a bill due next week because it's not today. (She has fallen behind) because she's not worried about work tomorrow. She refuses to allow anyone to help her any longer with a thing, nothing. With six kids between us you need help. So she's loosing hours at work.
we all gt something diff from the daily readers . If you have not lived with alcoholism your not going to understand her need to continue . My Ex wife not only was an Alcoholic but a drug addict.
Your not wrong just confused . accept that she needs to be there and of course the books talk about boy friends husbands etc , usually using the word alcoholic . Our literature is for us , not about the alcoholic it is how to improve our lives really has nothing to do with them . Until we picked up these books again a few weeks back we both were happy as Hell and we told each other a hundred times a day. We had three years of unbelievable wonderfulness. She was as near the perfect women you ever would meet.
be patient and accept that she has to do this for herself. for the moment that is where she is at. And what to due about 6 kids in the mean time, do we just hang and loose our loves. Her life was always about the kids. I agree with her that one person cannot make me happy that is my job , no one else can do it for me , Happiness is an inside job . anyone else in my life is a bonus . I do know if you try to convince her that this program is not a good thing u probably will loose her . No she has me reading the books, but she is getting further away the more we read. she obviously needs to be right where she is at . You say your happy , u make each other happy that is a good thing . She is trying to convince me that I'm not happy, B/S I've never been happier and till 2 weeks ago she was also.
Sory for the rant just don't what to do, She tells me she loves me more then ever then says we shouldn't be together because we're not happy were making each other happy. I'm confused.
-- Edited by Moe on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 03:00:45 PM
I understand exactly what you are saying and perhaps I can explain from her point of view first - so you can maybe understand where she is at.
I too live Al-Anon. My life has been gravely affected by an Alcoholic in my life. When I found Al-Anon - I held onto it like a lifesaver. I learned the slogans, the experiences of others (to compare with mine at first - to learn if I were the crazy/chaotic and 'wrong' one in our relationship), as well as how to incorporate Al-Anon as a way of life MY way of life - Because I HAD to have something better than what I was living with when I was with my Alcoholic. WE (People in Al-Anon and other 12 step recovery programs) learn 'our language' - and many of us live them on a daily basis because we have to (One Day At A Time). We get courage, strength, validation, understanding, experience and calm serenity from living with Al-Anon's 'teaching lessons'....we NEED IT - our lives are, have become and/or were unmanageable because of the disease of alcohol. When we or the alcoholic leaves our lives - the residual pain, experiences, emotions and scars/wounds are still with us - sometimes for many years after we or they leave the relationship. We continue our path to 'recovery' because of this. We do not graduate from a 12 step program...it is a life lesson - we learn how it affects us, why it affects us, and how we can go through life while learning how NOT to allow it to affect us with new relationships or by relearning how to 'do' the relationships already in our lives and by healing all the 'stuff' that the initial alcoholic relationship causes us.
I understand where you are coming from - you feel as though she is basing her next move - with you or otherwise by Al-Anon - wholeheartedly, with no exceptions, with what seems like contradictions, with what appears as confusions and even by what you are saying in your typing - with comparisons (of you and her Alcoholic). Perhaps her 'I cannot make you happy, only you can make you happy'...etc. - comments can be looked at as she is seemingly still trying to 'define herself' WITHOUT her alcoholic in her life. She seems to need Al-Anon to strengthen her own internal needs and requirements. You - being on the 'outside looking in' (not involved in Al-Anon) Because of her past relationships - will most likely not 'get' what or why she is saying/doing what she is in your relationship with her. I empathize with your frustration - truly I do. Being New to Al-Anon is similar - when we first come into this recovery program, we are confused, unclear as to what is right/wrong, and what to do with all we are experiencing and feeling. We don't 'Get it' right away - we need to allow for some growth and healing for us to understand all the dynamics of what Al-Anon has to offer us. We are all at our own pace, as we are all individuals. NOT being in a 12 step recovery program, I equate with walking into a classroom where everyone speaks Chinese, when I speak English - and I believe ALL of us felt like that before we started to 'get' what is offered. Give yourself time, and allow your curiosity of what she is 'living' to continue to help you understand where she is coming from. Don't take things so literal that they baffle you - We learn in Al-Anon an understanding of what we call 'The Three C's'....we did not CAUSE it (alcoholism), we cannot CONTROL it, nor can we CURE it. She most certainly did none of them in her Alcoholic relationship - but she is living what it caused...this will take time to understand - and perhaps even more time to relate - especially if you have not experienced alcoholism in your life.
Perhaps you too can Open Up Your Mind, Think, Listen and Learn (all three of these are written in slogans for Al-Anon goers) to the Program - so you can relate to where she is at - I believe it will take you longer to understand, especially if you have not 'been there' - so give yourself time. Basically what it sounds like to me is she is defining herself to YOU. What she is in control of, what she can or cannot change and what she has experienced and is experiencing still....she is just SAYING all this in a language that you are having a hard time grasping - because you are not in the Al-Anon 12 Step Program for Recovery. Learning about Her, and how she ticks, how she relates to her needing Al-Anon is going to be confusing to you, even frustrating - when she is speaking 'our' language compared to the language you speak to those who are not in program.
I wish you patience, kindness, support and validation for not only yourself, but for her as well. It takes time for everyone to learn about another...the more we get closer, the more we learn about them - some good things, some bad things, some indifferent things. I commend her for 'sticking with Al-Anon' and all it stands for- for her to get what she needs, I commend you for trying to learn what it is all about....be patient - I am sure with a little bit of open mindness, understanding and validation - you too, will 'get it' (the program and how it works) - especially if she is Living it on a daily basis with her relationship with you. I also commend you for picking up those books of hers - as they will open up your perception and understanding of what she is going through and what she has 'survived' and especially what she means when she talks to you. I cannot stress strong enough to "Give it some time", some thought, some openness on your own learning behalf and I encourage you to 'QTIP' (quit taking it personally - another slogan of ours) - for this is something she needs to do for herself, that will benefit her as a human being who 'survived' an alcoholic relationship - and make her a better person for herself, for YOU and everyone she has in her life, or will encounter in the future :)
As they say, Rome was not built in a day...it took us a long time to get to where we were at (in the alcoholic relationship), to where we need to be for a healthier more educated "SELF" and by choosing to seek out help for what confuses us or baffles us - it will not take 'a day' to become healthy again, after succumbing to the dreaded disease of alcohol.
May you grow in your relationship, One Day At A Time
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
Maybe I'm being selfish????? What do we do with a three year awesome relationship as I said we are basically no more. Everytime I open my mouth she pulls further away. Do we both throw 3 years down the tubes. I tried explaining or reading the part in the book about working on relationships and she says it means something else to each person. How do you tell each other how much you love one another then say we can only have a relationship if we don't talk of each other. I told her a few days ago I would do anything for you our love is so great, she mentioned she never had anyone love her, respect her or treat her the way I do. She said I can't help because I would be making her happy not herself????
Do you think it would help if I offered for us to go together, I know she hasn't gone to the meetings in at least three years ??????
-- Edited by Moe on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 03:16:44 PM
-- Edited by Moe on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 03:23:01 PM
I'd encourage you to take a moment and breathe. :)
I can tell you from experience that I can tend to "over-correct" when it comes to the program at times. If your girlfriend seems to be taking things to the extreme in on direction or the other, there's a good chance if you give her some time, patience and understanding that she'll start to balance herself out.
Just understand it doesn't always happen in your expected time-frame.
When I'm in your shoes, and I find I'm getting extremely focused on what other people in my life are doing and it's starting to upset me, it's a good time for me to go do something fun for myself. It gives me and the other person a much needed break. I'll go have dinner with friends, watch a movie, garden, read a book, go to the beach... whatever it is that brings me some good, clean happiness.
Hi again Moe -- perhaps if the two of u went to meetings , different ones , you both need space , if she dosent go to meeting s u can go on your own . don' t push too hard , take it easy on you too. I found a wonderful line years ago , it said the more I try to open someones eyes , the more they close thier ears . I truly am sorry your having a rough time , take time to breathe and just enjoy > ask yourself if you would rather be right ? or loved ? your two diff people with two different attitudes no one has to be right , but we do have to accept soemtimes that we just don't agree and thats okay .
I sympathize with you, as I have been in your shoes.
Before I married my A I had a boyfriend in Alanon and I broke up with him since I thought he was crazy, LOL. He too acted like he was in some kind of cult I thought, could not think for himself, always psychoanalyzing himself or me, sigh.
Before I gave up and broke up with him, the only thing I did that worked a little was to read the books myself and give him a broader perspective. He too was very short sighted, reading WAY more into the program than was there.
One Day at a Time does NOT mean living like a crackhead, from day to day, it means not worrying about the future, things that haven't happened yet. Not "catastrophizing" as many alanoners do, imaging the worse, their A laying dead in a gutter someday, with rats nibbling at his ears.
I would read some of his literature, with a broader more balanced point of view, then reason with him and help him to see things in a healthier manner.
They say in Alanon that sometimes the the Alanoner is "sicker" than the alcoholic. Experts say that often alcholics also suffer from an underlying mental illness, that can happen to alanoners too. Just because you are in Alanon, it doesn't make you immune to mental and emotional illness. Perhaps she suffers from depression or anxiety and is using the program obsessively to deal with her mental discomfort from her condition, if she has one.
You say she is not taking proper care of her children? That is indeed worrisome. Perhaps she is relying on YOU to pick up the slack. Perhaps she is tired out from dealing with her A.
I know that in my marriage I am worn out from picking up the slack for my alcoholic husband, so I only had one child, to make it easier on myself. So, if I am worn out with one, I can only imagine how worn out and burnt out I would be taking care of three children in an alcoholic household. It is a LOT harder than just being a single parent, because you have a loud mouthed nasty A tearing down all of the hard work you try to do with the kids, to raise them right.
Maybe she is just tired out from so much stress and it is catching up to her now.
You say you have three kids too? Well, if she is already overloaded with her kids, then doubling them isn't helping her to want to stay the course.
Maybe she is withdrawing due to an overload of stressors in her life. She is coping as best she knows how. Maybe following the alanon program to the letter is her way of "withdrawing" from reality since it is too much for her.
Alanon teaches people not to take anohters "inventory", so if she was REALLY doing alanon so faithfully, what is she doing juding YOUR happiness and the reason for it?
Your best bet is to become acquanted with the REAL alanon program, which is all about YOUR END of healthy relationships and NOT about finding excuses to withdraw and dump your responsibilities on someone else.
ALso, alanon is "a program of attraction" and NOT a program of browbeating people into following it. Tell her she can do alanon all she wants, that you will support her, but she cannot force it on you, and that you will NOT pick up the slack for her when she withdraws from reality (such as not paying bills) . Don't "enable" her like alanon teaches us to do for those we love.
If this is a recent thing, maybe bad memories are hitting her and she is trying to cope with them. Try to get her to be evaluated by a psychologist, she may have PTSD from her time with her A husband and may need professional help and meds to cope, rather than burying her head in the program in way it was never meant to be taken.
Alanon, when really understood and followed, makes relationships BETTER as we work on ourselves, stop judging and psychoanalyzing others, and learn to stop trying to control others when it is impossible. In alanon we learn how to treat others with understanding, compassion, and acceptance. We don't dump our resonsibilites on others, and we learn to TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES, and that means paying our bills on time so we don't get needed utilities cut off and we don't become homeless. We also take care of our children, which teaches them to take care of THEMSELVES one day.
I sympathize with you, as I have been in your shoes.
Before I married my A I had a boyfriend in Alanon and I broke up with him since I thought he was crazy, LOL. He too acted like he was in some kind of cult I thought, could not think for himself, always psychoanalyzing himself or me, sigh. If you understood then would it have been different.
Before I gave up and broke up with him, the only thing I did that worked a little was to read the books myself and give him a broader perspective. I have read and am startingtomorrow. He too was very short sighted, reading WAY more into the program than was there.
One Day at a Time does NOT mean living like a crackhead, from day to day, it means not worrying about the future, things that haven't happened yet. Not "catastrophizing" as many alanoners do, imaging the worse, their A laying dead in a gutter someday, with rats nibbling at his ears. Well she takes this I think to the extreme, we'll see.
I would read some of his literature, with a broader more balanced point of view, then reason with him and help him to see things in a healthier manner.
They say in Alanon that sometimes the the Alanoner is "sicker" than the alcoholic. Experts say that often alcholics also suffer from an underlying mental illness, that can happen to alanoners too. Just because you are in Alanon, it doesn't make you immune to mental and emotional illness. Perhaps she suffers from depression or anxiety and is using the program obsessively to deal with her mental discomfort from her condition, if she has one.
You say she is not taking proper care of her children? She spends less time with them now then we ever did. That is indeed worrisome. Perhaps she is relying on YOU to pick up the slack. This is the problem she won't allow me to do anything, nothing. Perhaps she is tired out from dealing with her A. Her Ex. has been out of her life about four years now.
I know that in my marriage I am worn out from picking up the slack for my alcoholic husband, so I only had one child, to make it easier on myself. So, if I am worn out with one, I can only imagine how worn out and burnt out I would be taking care of three children in an alcoholic household. It is a LOT harder than just being a single parent, because you have a loud mouthed nasty A tearing down all of the hard work you try to do with the kids, to raise them right.
Maybe she is just tired out from so much stress and it is catching up to her now. I can see this but she helped me so much I try to return the favor and now I'm the bad guy just doing what I've been doing for years.
You say you have three kids too? Well, if she is already overloaded with her kids, then doubling them isn't helping her to want to stay the course. I take care of the kids my three and her three until about 2-3 weeks ago when she just sort of snapped., I cooked every night, did the dishes. what ever had to be done.
Maybe she is withdrawing due to an overload of stressors in her life. She is coping as best she knows how. Maybe following the alanon program to the letter is her way of "withdrawing" from reality since it is too much for her. I can see this.
Alanon teaches people not to take anohters "inventory", so if she was REALLY doing alanon so faithfully, what is she doing juding YOUR happiness and the reason for it?
Your best bet is to become acquanted with the REAL alanon program, which is all about YOUR END of healthy relationships and NOT about finding excuses she is finding every excuse in the world to break us up, a new one everyday. to withdraw and dump your responsibilities on someone else.
ALso, alanon is "a program of attraction" and NOT a program of browbeating people into following it. Tell her she can do alanon all she wants, that you will support her, but she cannot force it on you, and that you will NOT pick up the slack for her when she withdraws from reality (such as not paying bills) . Don't "enable" her like alanon teaches us to do for those we love.
If this is a recent thing, maybe bad memories are hitting her and she is trying to cope with them. She has parent issues and this all started after they left from a visit, then a week later her son got in trouble, she said this is when she was hit like a two by four. Try to get her to be evaluated by a psychologist, My kids a I go to counceling regularly she refuses. she may have PTSD from her time with her A husband and may need professional help and meds to cope, rather than burying her head in the program in way it was never meant to be taken.
Alanon, when really understood and followed, makes relationships BETTER as we work on ourselves, stop judging and psychoanalyzing others, and learn to stop trying to control others when it is impossible. In alanon we learn how to treat others with understanding, compassion, and acceptance. We don't dump our resonsibilites on others, I loved doing things for her. and we learn to TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES, now she won't let me a do a thing and that means paying our bills on time so we don't get needed utilities cut off and we don't become homeless. We also take care of our children, which teaches them to take care of THEMSELVES one day.
Hi again Moe -- perhaps if the two of u went to meetings , different ones , you both need space , if she dosent go to meeting s u can go on your own . don' t push too hard , I prey I haven't pushed her to faraway take it easy on you too. I found a wonderful line years ago , it said the more I try to open someones eyes , the more they close thier ears . I truly am sorry your having a rough time , take time to breathe and just enjoy > ask yourself if you would rather be right ? or loved ? We love each other so damned much you can't imagine. your two diff people with two different attitudes no one has to be right , but we do have to accept soemtimes that we just don't agree and thats okay . We never had a disagreement in our years together, nothing, no fights nothing.
I'd encourage you to take a moment and breathe. :)
I can tell you from experience that I can tend to "over-correct" when it comes to the program at times. If your girlfriend seems to be taking things to the extreme in on direction or the other, there's a good chance if you give her some time, patience and understanding that she'll start to balance herself out. I hope I haven't pushed her to far away. I asked her last week if she can say she doesn't love me I'll move on, she said she couldn't say that right now. She actually said stop telling me how much you love me and we could start going out again????????
Just understand it doesn't always happen in your expected time-frame.
When I'm in your shoes, and I find I'm getting extremely focused on what other people in my life are doing and it's starting to upset me, it's a good time for me to go do something fun for myself. It gives me and the other person a much needed break. I'll go have dinner with friends, watch a movie, garden, read a book, go to the beach... whatever it is that brings me some good, clean happiness.
There was a book put out in the 80ies that was called The Courage to Change...but it wasn't CAL or alanon (I don't think, please correct me if I am wrong) it was in paperback form and it was self help, but not our daily reader Courage to Change.
Just curious. I guess she or you can take what you like and leave the rest when it comes to how you use this program.
There was a book put out in the 80ies that was called The Courage to Change...but it wasn't CAL or alanon (I don't think, please correct me if I am wrong) it was in paperback form and it was self help, but not our daily reader Courage to Change.
Just curious. I guess she or you can take what you like and leave the rest when it comes to how you use this program.
Courage to change one day at a time in Al-Anon II was one of them. She has many.
Then there's another one about moving past relationships, I don't remember the name.
-- Edited by Moe on Wednesday 2nd of September 2009 09:36:38 PM
I'm sorry for your situation and understand it must be confusing to you.
In a post you say, I hope I haven't pushed her to far away. I asked her last week if she can say she doesn't love me I'll move on, she said she couldn't say that right now. She actually said stop telling me how much you love me and we could start going out again????????
Detaching from someone doesn't have anything to do with whether or not you love someone. I get the feeling that perhaps she is going through something that is causing her to feel the need to detach. She may not even be aware of what that is. Although her relationship has been over for 4 years now, the effects of an alcoholic can take years to recover from. Maybe not for you, but sometimes for others, as was my case.
My thoughts....be patient. Try and be understanding. Seek your own wisdom. Attend Al-anon for your own peace of mind.
Just like the Addict is addicted to their drug of choice, the significant other is addicted to them.
It sounds like your g friend is in early recovery. Her relationship with Al Anon is her own, just as an Addict may be involved in AA.
We cannot take anyone elses inventory or have an answer to what makes her do this or that with in her own personal path.
One day at a time for me is, I take care of everything I can today, I can do nothing about tomorrow, it will come with its own challenges. If I cannot afford a bill, I have to let it go until I can. I cannot change certain things.
Everyone has to be able to make themselves happy before they can make anyone else happy. We have to love our self before we can truly love anyone else.
Again it is her recovery. With my A I chose to love him as is. I did not get into his recovery in anyway. He had a right to his own feelings, his own beliefs.
Going to meetings with her would be great. IF she wants you to go.
She was very bady damaged Moe. It takes everyone a different amount of time to come to terms with that. All we can do is love them, accept them as is. It is her journey.
The same as if she has an open wound moe, it will heal when it does.
The damage made it hard for her to accept a good man would love her. She must still have many wounds to heal.
Don't take it personal. Keep being you. She cannot change you, and you cannot change her. The three c's fit here too, You did not cause it, you cannot control it nor can you cure it.
Addicts make everyone around them sick too. It is part of the disease.
I hope this helped some. All I know is my experience with an A who was in recovery Moe, which is just where your lady is.
Aloha Moe...welcome to the board and I'm kinda curious what your motive was in coming here and complaining about an Al-Anon (or is she) member who also happens to be your significant other? I'm hoping she isn't one of the posters on MIP from my own personal care and affection and support of this forum, its membership and the Al-Anon Family Groups in whole.
What I am reading is that You don't understand. At one time I didn't either and then I got into the program found a meeting and a chair, sat down and listened and it was suggested that I "keep an open mind"...don't judge it or anyone else, don't blame or complain about anything or anyone else...don't attempt to explain what "I" thought was or wasn't going on...just listen and learn. It was suggested that I get to 90 meetings in 90 days. I did that and a bit more and one thing that I did come in direct touch with was, "I didn't know anything about alcoholism and addiction even though I was born and raised in it, was married to one twice, and then years later finding out that I had drank that way myself with it almost, on several occasions taking my life.
You seem to suggest that something is wrong with her. In our program we are directed to focus on ourselves, the strengths and weaknesses and how we project those into all areas of our lives relationships included. One of the needs to know that I had outside of what the hell is alcoholism was why did I keep picking disabled women to have relationships I use to use the term "love" with? I learned I didn't know the definition of love or honesty with myself and others. I had a severe lack of awareness and an extreem need to know and where best to get it from people (at one time mostly women) who knew where I came from and how to deal with it.
I remember using some of your own thoughts and words before I got into recovery when my own wife was in AA. I was jealous and envious and angry that she was finding solace and support from things that were not me and first chance I got I, when she was questioning if she was alcoholic (she was absolutely alcoholic) I told here she wasn't so she quit recover and went back out (relapsed) and I lost everything I thought I was fighting for without even knowing I wasn't suppose to and couldn't have any of it...I am like millions of other who have tried, powerless but didn't know that or understand it then.
I don't see your problem as being about her. I see it being about you trying to have things your way and I see it from the perspective of a 30 year membership. You got a choice...go find out what it is that she is placing her faith in without going for her but only for you and reserve judgement until after 90 days are over. After 90 days you can make up your mind on other choices or you can run now cause living with all of the confusion and uncertainly was just a little piece of hell when I did it.
Aloha Moe...welcome to the board and I'm kinda curious what your motive was in coming here and complaining about an Al-Anon (or is she) member who also happens to be your significant other? Well I'm finding it hard to accept that after three years of as close to a perfect relationship that it literally overnight could just fall off the face of the earth. And when we talk of it she always goes back to the one day at a time and the book I mentioned above.Well we don't even talk anymore. Her behavior and attitude is of someone I never seen before. I'm hoping she isn't one of the posters on MIP from my own personal care and affection and support of this forum, its membership and the Al-Anon Family Groups in whole.
What I am reading is that You don't understand. At one time I didn't either and The more I read the literature she is taking some of it out of context but just don't listen. then I got into the program found a meeting and a chair, sat down and listened I am going to a meeting tonight. and it was suggested that I "keep an open mind"...don't judge it or anyone else, I've never judged her, direspected her or anything else. I had a lengthy conversation wit a member/counselor yesterday and it seems everything I did over the years was wrong. don't blame or complain about anything or anyone else...don't attempt to explain what "I" thought was or wasn't going on...just listen and learn. It was suggested She won't or rarely will talk to anyone, she nearly in a trans. that I get to 90 meetings in 90 days. I did that and a bit more and one thing that I did come in direct touch with was, "I didn't know anything about alcoholism and addiction even though I was born and raised in it, was married to one twice, and then years later finding out that I had drank that way myself with it almost, on several occasions taking my life.
You seem to suggest that something is wrong with her. In our program we are directed to focus on ourselves, the strengths and weaknesses and how we project those into all areas of our lives relationships included. One of the needs to know that I had outside of what the hell is alcoholism was why did I keep picking disabled women to have relationships I use to use the term "love" with? I learned I didn't know the definition of love or honesty with myself and others. I had a severe lack of awareness and an extreem need to know and where best to get it from people (at one time mostly women) who knew where I came from and how to deal with it.
I remember using some of your own thoughts and words before I got into recovery when my own wife was in AA. I was jealous and envious and angry that she was finding solace and support from things that were not me and first chance I got I, when she was questioning if she was alcoholic (she was absolutely alcoholic) I told here she wasn't so she quit recover and went back out (relapsed) and I lost everything I thought I was fighting for without even knowing I wasn't suppose to and couldn't have any of it...I am like millions of other who have tried, powerless but didn't know that or understand it then.
I don't see your problem as being about her. I see it being about you trying to No it's not about me at all, We love each other to death and in my life when there is a problem you deal with it if it's Al-anon be it. (we had not one problem in our relationship I know that's hard to believe but true.) I will support her, help her do what ever it takes. In our relationship it was most likely 55/ 45 her and I was happy as heck with that. She's that wonderful of a women. have things your way and I see it from the perspective of a 30 year membership. You got a choice...go find out what it is that she is placing her faith in without going for her but only for you and reserve judgement until after 90 days are over. After 90 days you can make up your mind on other choices or you can run now cause living with all of the confusion and uncertainly was just a little piece of hell when I did it.
Went to my first meeting yesterday and OH Boy. I have/had no idea. I guess that most of us outsiders had no idea what a different life members lead. I got up explained my dilemma then listened to others talk, some were just like me when they started others were just like my girlfriend is/was. One thing I noticed though and this is after only one meeting so , I'm going to number two tomorrow. Only two of the 35 or 40 people there ever mentioned happiness in a or their relationship or actually even mentioned a relationship period. Many ot the men where just like me (gave til their heart hurt them were dumped on.) and used the examples that I lived. Unfortunately many of the women some going now for 20 years sounded very angry and resentful of their past relationships. So they asked me to do at least 9 meetings and I agreed. It's very hard to understand that all I was taught in my life about being a gentleman, caring and helping others was tossed by several of these people. When I left I felt like the world's problems were all my fault. Oh well it was an experience.
