The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my dh is alcoholic and also uses prescription drugs when he can get them. he is by all standards successful. owns his own business, is respected in the communitity. we live well. he pays all of the bills and i spend my paycheck the way i want. (usually on the kids or grandkids) he is never mean when he drinks. doesn't drink and drive. we take nice vacations a couple of times a years. my family and friends adore him. i do too. he gives me my space to do what i want. we are faithful to each other. we never argue. he is not critical.
then what is the problem? he drinks when he gets home from work every night. then around 7p.m. goes to bed to take "a little nap" and sleeps until morning. gets up and we have coffee together. talk a little. kisses me goodbye and goes to work. comes home. eats dinner. thanks me for the nice dinner. drinks. we watch a movie. he goes to bed. same thing.
i am so lonely. he is the greatest guy by all standards. but something is missing. i have been in alanon before. and i try to take care of me. i try not to take his inventory. i try to be thankful for the blessings i have. something is amiss. any ESH would be appreciated.
Are u able to be detached with love from ur AH/dh or do ur thoughts & days revolve around him, his schedule, his wants? Focus on you to find your happiness. I know that for most of my life (I'm acoa) I did not know how to or ever think of loving myself first, when I began to try and do that, everything in my life radically changed. I set boundaries & followed through on them, I MYOB minded my own business and whenever I thought 'so & so should do this ___ ' - I reeled my mind back in and onto me. I broke the habit of obsessing on others -- even still if I allowed my mind to go there, it c/would in a matter of minutes.
Then there are the gratitude excersizes... focus on and be appreciative of every little mundane thing to big thing u can dream of and focus on being happy for those things. I tried this and in 2-3 weeks, I did find inner joy again (a feeling I hadn't experienced sionce I was a child). Start with writing it down & creating a gratitude list or journal.
Then I would encourage u to devlop some new activites or hobbies, perhaps. Surely there is something (or many) u want to do but never did before, since u have freedom & support, no reason not to try something new. Volunteering is good for the soul too.
Happiness & fulfillment are an inside job, if ur dis-satisfied, change something & try something new. Something radically different that u never even thought of like hugging a tree, salsa dancing, throw pottery (art class), yoga class - anything to change your rut.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Damn I could have written this post - whats missing ? HIM
I asked myself that question so often before comming to this prgram I felt guilty for complaing . Please go back to program go for yourself , soon travel , money and new clothes just werent cutting it for me . I was miserable inside where no one could see but me , I lied to myself , my husb too went to bed early or I should get real he passed out early , so i had the house to myself I deluded myself with the idea that it was great , I too had all the freedom to go where i wanted when i wanted as often as I wanted no interference from him , and I was still lonely > eventually I shut down nothing really mattered to me I became indifferent to almost everything around me , not good - indifference is a cold and lonley place to live . you sound like your on the verge don't go there. Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Tuesday 1st of September 2009 02:12:51 PM
I too could have written this post, only it was during the times my exAH was trying to be sober. I thought I should be happy just because he was not using ... it was still lonely. I am comfortable being alone, it was more uncomfortable knowing that there was this person in the other room sleeping that I wished could share little things with me like we once had. Grief for those memories and fear I would never experience that again were present most of the time. Alanon helps, focusing on myself helped, finding other avenues of interest helped. I understand the feelings you are having.
Glad you are here. I find it exceptionally difficult to be around dysfunctional people who are not available for intimacy. I have worked on being in solitude rather than alone.
I'm glad you are giving al anon another shot. I found detaching tremendously difficult but the more I do it the more serene my life is.
I agree with Maresie, the big thing that jumps out at me on your post is intimacy. An alcoholic's intimacy is greatly diminished. I don't mean sex, although sex is a peice of intimacy. There is no stimulating conversation, closeness, happy phone calls, exhanges, and to me a movie is not a way to be intimate.
I have to say though coming from a marriage where my husband cheated I'm very sensitive to this stuff and I do believe all marriages go through peaks and valleys of intimacy. I think it's time to start connecting if you can.
thanks for all of your thoughts. i do alot of things for me. go to bible study on tuesday which i love. i'm involved with my adult children and granddaughter. i love gardening. and reading. i'm enjoying doing things i was not able to do when i was raising the kids. just got done making dh dinner. we are watching t.v. and i looked at him and told him how much i loved him (i do) feeling very content tonight. very comfortable.. for today i stopped with the "what if's.."
