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Hi Everyone, This is my first time visiting and posting to this forum, so I look forward to meeting all of you and reading your stories and advice.
My question is: have any of you ever experienced the displacement, or transference, of anger (or another emotion)? Perhaps you have reacted with irrational anger to something in your life, and later you realized that it was difficult to show your anger to the alcoholic, but easier to direct that anger to another target? Here is my situation...
I am in a relationship with an alcoholic (my friend of 8 years, boyfriend of 1 year). He is an amazing person, despite his faults, and I want to try to work through our issues. He will be attempting sobriety again by completing an in-patient program; he previously had 3 years of sobriety but then fell back into drinking again. Before this relationship, I was a very calm, even-tempered person. I used to say that it took a lot to anger me. However, I feel angry nearly every day now. Interestingly though, my anger is not just toward my alcoholic boyfriend (who often acts more abrasive when he is drinking), but my anger is also directed toward his dogs. When we moved in together, I brought my cats and he brought his dogs.There are other reasons why I may feel negatively about these dogs: 1) they stress out my cats, 2) they are an inconvenience and limit our activities, 3) I dont find them particularly cute, so cuteness can't make up for their annoyances. However, my angry response is extremely disproportionate to the situation. My cats have now adjusted and are rarely stressed by the dogs.These dogs are well behaved and trained, so their behavior is not necessarily the problem. I feel that my anger and hatred toward these dogs is irrational and misplaced. I am an animal lover!!I have never experienced hatred toward an animal, yet the mere presence or even just the sound of these dogs walking in the other room makes me simmer with hatred and anger. This occurs at all hours of the day, whenever they are around, and it disgusts me and makes me feel miserable. I am often shocked by the intensity of my own feelings; this anger is toxic and I often just go to bed so I can wake up and start again.
Have any of you ever experienced something like this, which I am interpreting as the displacement of anger or another emotion? The anger is caused by the alcoholic in your life, but for some reason you find it difficult to express it or work it out, so instead you focus this emotion on another person, animal, or thing?I believe that better expression or communication with my boyfriend may help my anger (it will take time to work on this!). However, I feel that this anger toward the dogs is so strongly established, that it will be difficult to overcome. How do you deal with misplaced anger? Do you think this could be related to holding grudges or unresolved resentment? Any similar experiences, suggestions, or advice? Thank you very much!
I definitely have had "displaced anger". I just posted on it, but I called it resentments. I think it is the same thing though. In addition to what I wrote in my post "resentments" I also have displaced anger towards my ex-husband's niece who is very close to my daughter. They are very close to the same age. I absolutely can not "stand" this girl and there is no reason for it other than her mother's denial of the families "incest" problem. I am angry at the grandfather and the sister for being in denial, and have "displaced" this anger on the child.
I think the answer for me is forgiveness. I need to ask the God of my understanding to forgive me for taking out my anger on my daughter and her cousin at the abuse of other's. I am trying to forgive the grandparents of their misdeeds to rid myself of the pain and anguish it has caused in my life.
There is a quote on page 352 of Al-Anon's Courage to Change (C2C) daily meditation book that says it all for me: "Resentments mark the places where I see myself as the victim. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked."
Resentments keep me stuck. Forgiveness frees me. I have to Let Go and Let God handle the situation and turn the results over to him.
If you have the meditation books One Day At A Time in Al-anon or C2C, I would highly recommend reading on resentments. That's what I did and it really helped me get a better grasp on the situation, that and the responses to my post.
Good luck and God bless, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
welcome (((( hugs kara )))) to al-anon. I would say find local face to face mtgs - go, listen, pick up pamphlets, study them, talk/share, exchange phone numbers, get a schedule, more mtgs, find people whom u wish to emulate in this program and ask one to be ur sponsor (program mentor), to work steps with & ultimately deal with unresolved emotions/issues. That is how we work the program and it does work -- like anything else u get out what u put in.
It does sound to me like u may be angry at yourself or your b/f and the dogs are a symbol of ur b/f. Like u said, they are well behaved and ur cats have now adjusted. I to am an animals lovert & dogs live in the here & now, they dont project on future events, dont recall past -- they are NOW sponges - beings.
Yes, I have misplaced anger - when I took a look at it & found the cause, like I said, I was often just mad at myself for whatever reasons -- then u can change it most easily. I find that if I want to get over my feelings faster - the way is through, I cant stuff them, bc they will come out sideways. Feel ur anger, acknowldege it -- we are all entitled to our feelings -- face it, embrace it and u should be able to get through them. If not u may need to take some action of some kind. The animals feel ur stress and anger.
Writing about ur feelings is a great excersize to releive them or gain further insight, so is sharing in mtgs, with sponsor or here. Know that u aren't alone in this and early sobriety is as much as a challenge as being with active addiction. Everyone here loves the book Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews - give a lot of insight.
Welcome to al-anon, lots of support & resources available to you, if he is going back into a rehab, this is a percect opportunity for you to focus on YOU, determine what ur own needs are. Al-anon teaches us to focus on us - the one person we can control/change. Glad ur here & hope u give it a real try, we all need support and if u both have individual program ur chances of success will be much greater.
In my case, I was very resistent and acceptace went a long way. I have had anger that I didnt know how to deal with, in those times, I have very definetely prayed and surrendered my neg feelings to god/HP and given them freely over & that is a tremdneously effective tool as well.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Welcome - we have a saying here the alcoholic upsets the partner the partner hollers at the kids and the kids kick the dog . sad but true. Alcoholism is frustrating for the non drinker and when we see no improvment we become angry and discontent and take it out on anyone that is around , negativity breeds anger . Please find meetings for yourself Al-Anon is a place to get a diff perspective on what is actually going on around you and show u how to deal with it in a positive way . If your going to continue your relationship your going to need a program of your own , his sobreity is not the answer to lifes problems . we are enablers we have a part in this disease too , the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change , we do too . Until your friend is sober and thinking rationally , you are in this relationship alone , the only relationship u are seeing is between his drug of choice and himself and she is a formidable mistress , you cannot win with alcohol , disease always wins until the alcoholic becomes commited to sobreity .
I was wondering when of if ever you were going to get to the being angry with yourself part. Check out the Al-Anon program and the 12 steps that some of us live. Self evaluations in step 4 and step 10 are sooooo helpful. Living other peoples lives and for their happiness (especially if they are alcoholic) and not your own can and does result in self hatred and frustration and anger. I got lost about where I was with my life, what I wanted and needed, what I should be doing about it and how to achieve my goals and dreams that I just exploded all over the Island of Oahu, then American Samoa, Central Valley California and a couple times over San Diego even. I had no control over my anger and just splashed it over anything that was near me when everything and anything set me off. I don't do it as often now however when I inventory what's going on with me the reasons are usually similar...I am frustrated by something outside of what is going on right now. Its important to get help with it cause unchecked it can be fatal; inwardly or outwardly.
Al-Anon is good for what ails people and can also point me toward counselors and other sources.
I'm actually going through something similar. I will often get real angry with my mother or myself, or both. I've had such anger fits that I would have the urge to break an object or get my frustration out in some way physically. What I do to get away from the anger is to take a few deep breaths if I am very uneasy, or I write or talk about it with a friend. Sometimes I'll even get away from everyone and just walk somewhere. I try to do whatever it takes to try to get myself calmer and at the same time not hurt anyone around me. You also asked if it may relate to past resentments...I wouldn't quickly go to say that it does, it is a possibility but I think it depends. It wouldn't hurt to maybe look at any past resentments you may have. I'm still working on these issues but I hope these suggestions help.
-- Edited by r1nn on Monday 31st of August 2009 10:10:45 PM
I know for me its all about being aware of my triggers. Most of mine date back to childhood. Recently someone I live with (I share a house) is acting a lot like my mother did. There are a lot of boundaries in place for me (new strategy) nevertheless there is a huge amount of rage there. I have to work really hard not to act on the rage and to be aware its from the past. Of course, like everything else it took me quite a while to get to why I was so upset. I always do that! I can always justify my rage in the present and never want to dig into the past!
I'm glad at least I catch it now as I acted on my rage by yelling and screaming at the ex A for a long long time. I realised that only dug me deeper into a pit of blackness.
Look forward to hearing how you can work this out.
This is a great thread and extremely timely for me. Kara, you are NOT alone. I feel that at the moment I am the eptiome of someone with "Displaced" anger. I am the gal who walks around with a scowl on her face lately and I am angry at the world - the crazy driver, the slow checkout clerk at the supermarket, the sales person trying to coerce me into buying something I don't want or need. The worst part is being AWARE of this and not being quite sure how to change it. I have a high stress job. I am high strung to begin with and a very anxious person so this is not the proper fit. It is not a job I intend to keep forever, but right now I need it. I feel like I'm ALWAYS angry. I feel like I'm pulled in a thousand directions - so many people are demanding of me, I can't rely on any of my employees to do anything prudently and on and on... All things I CAN'T change which frustrates me even more. But, my point is - you are NOT alone. I am struggling with the EXACT problem. I am unhappy in my job and lack of direction in life AND lack of progress in my program so I project it out into every nook and cranny of my life.
Last night while reading - I came to this realization - I was going to apply the 3 A's - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I've always tried to go from Awareness to Action simply because I can't stand to sit with something that makes me uncomfortable. But, here I am, needing to practice ACCEPTANCE. I am told that if I can accept where I am at and accept these feelings without shaming myself or judging myself for having them, that I will be practicing being kind to myself.
