Being in Al Anon I see it has made me think. In the past it gave me thoughts as to how to deal with A's. I sure don't always remember right away though.

Anyway it still makes me think of ok how do I grow from this? What can I do better in how I handle things? So I come here and get a world of GREAT thoughts others share.

Also I was thinking, when I was in school at the beginning and on, I was not into the contests, who could write the best, draw, run, throw a ball.

Never liked competition. I didn't care. I knew I was good at what I did, not better than anyone not worse, just me. So did not compete, did not excel in tests etc. One time I did tell this one smart kid, I can get all the answers right in History, he laughed at me. I got them all correct. That was gradeschool.

It is not important to me to be better than anyone else, or show teachers or professors what I know. I only made the grades becuz I wanted to learn it "all." And needed all of it to do ok on the next step.

I want to be the best "I" can be, not better than anyone else. I don't believe anyone is better than anyone else.

But I am bad in the way that I get pushed so far, that I will say what I feel, it is a passive/agressive thing I don't like about me. Yet I will take things on until I am being abused then that is that. That person gets my thoughts.

I read people want to say things "nice" to their A's. Since when do we have to be nice to a disease. That is NOT our loved one, it is the disease acting out. I am not saying yell or anything like that. But for me, I learned to state what I want, what I don't like, and states the facts as I see them.

ie: I don't like the way I feel when I come home, this has to change, boundaries. No more using at home. NO more downing a pint of vodka at the stop sign then coming home.

Consequences, when you come home like that, you need to leave. If he didin't he was escorted by me, or our son, or the deputy sheriff.

No it is not easy,no I did not like that he might not come back. In the long run it was the healthiest thing to do for us both.

Learning to think on my own again and look at MY strengths, has helped me so much. Also it was taking that step and doing it, ,knowing it would hurt horribly. After doing it a few times it was not necessarily easier, but I knew what was coming and I allowed it and lived thru it. Lots from being on here at MIP.

My friends are sorta understanding. Though they don't like me to get hurt. But I simply say, hey if your husband or wife had a brain tumor and acted like that would you just throw them out? divorce them? not care?  Well AH has a disease. When we escorted him out, he went to his mommies anyhow so he was safe.

Anyway, Al Anon there is no competition. We are all on the same site as a family. We may have different responsibilities here, or give in different ways, but no one is above another, not one of us does not make mistakes.

At least in Al Anon we learned one thing, when we do make mistakes we know to look at it and learn from it. (o:

I am feeling stronger, but still have a ways to go.

All I know is my fluffy little dog Muzzles is fighting over a piece of my cpap machine with Brimley and neither is suppose to have it! lol

Life does not always have to be competition or in the pit or serious. I look for the simple joys too.

Hugs,debilyn

-- Edited by debilyn on Saturday 29th of August 2009 12:18:00 PM