The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So AH is on his way home from being on a business trip for the week. He travels often for his job. I love it when he's gone. The house is so calm and peaceful. I notice that I nor the kids are tense....we just enjoy being with each other.
WHen I know he's coming home, my stomach starts to turn. I am running to the bathroom alot and i feel so nauseus and soooo drpressed, yet when he's gone I feel fine. Hmmm.....is there a connection there?? I would say so.
I know what awaits me. That damn sun is going to go down eventhough I pray everyday that it doesn't. He will open that bottle of vodka and my journey begins. He will start by getting annoying and it will progress to where no one can talk to him because either A. someone will say the wrong thing and he will get upset then we will have to hear an hour long "liquor lecture" that doesn't make sense or B. he will try to get up just to fall on something or trip.
I love my life when he's gone. I hate my life when he's home. I have come along way because of Alanon, I really have. My f2f has helped tremendously. But all of that does not change the fact that I still have to live with it.
There are nights i am so ready to leave. There are nights i truly hate him. But then daytime rolls around and he's bareable.
His father fianlly realizes what a problem his son has. It hit him hard when AH couldn't fly with me recently to visit him because he was still to drunk from the night before. Well, i still went.....my kids were visiting my father in law and I wanted to see them. With Alanon, I fianlly learned that it was hs prblem. He was going to miss out seeing the kids...not me. That was a huge shocker for his family I did that. But that's when they realized that he has a very serious issue.
I long for a normal marriage. You know, the ones where the husband comes home with a smile on his face and hugs the family. Then when the kids are all in bed the husband and wife cuddle on the couch and talk. I hate the marriage I have.......husband comes home from trip and is immediatley criticizing everything. He's more excited to seee that damn dog then his wife and kids.. then he gets drunk every single friggin night, there's never any cuddling on the couch for me. I stay away from him.......i can't stand the smell that comes from his body, I can't stand hearing him talk because he makes no sense, I can't stand having to put with his mood swings.
I truly hate my marriage.
Ugh......he just walked in the door. I have to go tighten my seatbelt for my roller coaster ride tonight. I wish I could figure out how to get off this rollercoaster.
Well this post took me down memory lane , been there too . I relate it to the day I finally started to Walk the Walk as they call it here instead of just mouthing Al-Anon program . I had a great day at work that day we laughed all day , i was still laughing in my car at something that happend earlier , I got out of my car put the key in the front door and I have never felt this before or since , a cold wave of anger started at my toes and went to my head and I froze I could not move , finally I leaned back against a pillar on our porch and tried to figure o ut what had just happend to me and I realized I hated my house I did not want to go in the door . I have no idea how long i stood there but eventually opened the door- I had decided while standing there that this was my house too , I was not ready to leave it but I was ready to take it back and start living in it . i stepped into it and my attitude changed , from that day on I started to invite friends back into our home ( husb was still drinking) ask the kids to bring thier friends again to watch m ovies like they used to do , we started to laugh more , and enjoy each other again , myhusb did/t like it much but he tolerated it . I also reclaimed the remote control a couple of days a week to watch what I liked again he adjusted , I was amazed that he was no longer the emotional baromater for our home I was and I was determined to be happy . A while later i found the line I post here often . If your circmstances are such that u cannot leave your home or you simply don't want to leave your marriage like me / BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED .!!!!!!! IT says in our opening that it is possible to find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not , ididnt believe that at first but today i know that it is , your kids will follow your lead if your happy they will be too.and they too will relax and enjoy the way kids are supposed to . The only way I know how to get off the roller coaster is to not play the game anymore . I was determined to not let this disease control my life anymore . good luck i know u can do this . Louise
Thanks, Louise. I know I can do it too, but it can be so hard at times. Here's a perfet example: he is sitting at a restaurant right now waiting for takeout. Instead of calling in his order first, he goes to the restaurant, sits at the bar and orders the take out. While he;s waiting those bartenders keep filling his glass. They have learned that the more he drinks the better the tips gets. But what happens next? The drunk "xxxx" comes home and we have to put up with him. It's hard to just doing my own thing when he is constantly calling my name for something. If I ignore him, he starts to yell. I can't reason with him.....tried that and it only created shear hell for me.
I have that happiness when he's not around. It's just as simple as that!
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 23rd of November 2009 05:52:10 AM
When I could not live with my AH anymore I was done. After he left here and broke my heart.
I tried so hard to have him come home.
then like you, I could not stand what the disease did to him, and could not stand being in this house. So badly that I rented it out and lived in my little bunkhouse on the end of my barn. Moved out there after I had him leave.
For some reason I wanted to be back in my house again. MOved back in last January. Have been doing upkeep and changing everything. I love my home now.
I can tell you it hurt for a long time, but the spaces of time inbetween the hard pain got longer. Now I don't miss him here anymore.
Possibly it might help you to make plans for what you want/need to get your life back. Even if it seems unattainable you may find yourself getting ready to do it.
For me, when I make a decision or think I have an idea, I start working on it. Makes me feel better. Before I moved out here, I felt one day, I want to move. So I started taking pictures and stuff down. Started packing. AH was not quite sure how to take it. But I started looking for a country home.
The dream of my life. Where I was looking is where he grew up.
Anyway I remember feeling so good taking those tiny steps of getting ready. Made things so much easier in my life to just put one foot in front of the other and make the goal/dream come true.
What can you do to change things? What do you need to change your life to being a home? A home is not just a building.It comes from inside you.
I felt at home in my tiny bunkhouse. I loved it up there. It was very very hard physically but was worth it.
Anyway thank you for sharing. I see ya as taking your first step to your goal by sharing here.
Aloha Newbie... "But all of that does not change the fact that I still have to live with it." Acutally I found out that I didn't have to still live with it that there were alternatives and that I could with the help of this program and the people in it find those alternatives. Yes it took sitting and listening to other and then getting up the courage to change it for me and I was told that she would react and she did and I changed anyway...for me. I learned how to drop the "buts" in my language and replace that with "and" such as "its difficult and worth trying, practicing.
I related to Lousie's share. I felt that paralysis and then walked thru the door anyway a changed person.
Take your time, sit down listen and learn. Do what others do that has resulted in miracles for them and always turn it all over. Do all the suggestions, don't leave one out or substitute it with a habit you have difficulty lettting go of. Let go of all the stuff that doesn't and hasn't ever worked. I didn't work before and will not work ever. He will drink and get.....you all know that part and it will never change. The part you need to know is the "change me" part, the "don't react" part, the don't enable the disease to grow and take you over again part.
You are not alone. Higher Power and a world wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups is how I perceive it. I can go anywhere and never get out of the sight of my Higher Power or run out of family. Fear's gone.
Slow down..."Don't react". Think, learn and then act. (((((hugs)))))
