The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would venture to say the hardest yet. The ex boyfriend is not talking to me again and I just can't seem to get past it. I went to orientation to get started on my master's degree. I am nervous about the loans, the time commitment, the extra work. I just felt every bad emotion that I have in me all at once. I wanted to go lie in my bed in a little ball and never get up. My body ached, my head ached, I felt like I do when I quit smoking and really want a cigarette times 100. I don't know what exactly it was that pulled me out of that funk last night but thank god for it! I think this was the lowest day I have ever had. Everything is on me all at once and I feel crushed by my fears and insecurities and loneliness. I want love so badly but I don't want to give it to anyone but him. I feel stuck. I wish a magic light would go off and I'd see it and all would be releived from me. I feel completely mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted and most of it is from dewlling on him and what if's and what's really going on in his head, and and and. I keep thinking I'm getting better and then wham it hits me again, waves of nausea, a deep sense of loss, grief, pain and I just want to stop it. My mind won't let him go. He wasn't THAT great!!! What is keeping me stuck here?
For me it was the fear of Moving on, and starting over, and it sounds as tho you have a pretty Large plate to fill lately... All wonderful things you are doing, but at the same time I am sure they are all very overwhelming all at once...
When I was taking care of my Deseased AFathers things all by myself, I came here and cried my eyes out many times with the feelings of overwhelment... It was so bad at times, I too just wanted to curl into a ball and just never get up... Thats I think is normal... But since i was in program, I started slow with my Serenity Prayer, and from there I would start working my slogans....And doing step work just to get my focus back on "THIS MOMENT"... Like I am told repeatedly.. "this too shall pass", well I have grasp that ... But in the Moment, there are times when you just want it to end.. THe pain, the sorrow, the greif... And I feel it is the same way with broken relationships... I feel we have to feel the sorrow, the pain and the greif in order to be able to move forward...
I know it can't be easy, and I'm sorry there is no Quick fix, I will add you to my prayers, and I was very pleased to get on here today and you be one of the 1st peeps I see on here... I have slowly started loose some of my program, just trying to deal with life, but know once I get back on track, things will slowly start to smooth out for me as well...
Carolina, for me it was the "fantasy" man I still thought of him as. The man I married.
I just did it again after all these years. AH is in prison. I went and saw him. Well I knew for sure my heart and head were remembering a fantasy man.
Many of us are searching for a mate. It is darn hard to be lonely. I have come to love my aloness. Also enjoying who I do see. I am also blessed with an internet friend in Louisiana.
I would much rather have my southern manfriend just how we are than my AH.
I invite you to do the "stop" skill. When you think of him, say stop and put in something else. could even be, today I will think of planting flowers. or today I choose to think of other things.
Not using I won't think of him, I won't be able to move I am so sad.
Stop the negative thoughts in your head. It can be done.
To me that is not love, that is obsession. Very unhealthy and destructive. Possibly it would help to forgive him.
Remember we al anoners are learning to make ourselves a recovery program, a guide to keep us from what is not healthy for us.
"I choose to think positive today." I choose to take the kids and go goof around today." I learned to live my life for me choosing what is best.
So today I choose to paint the south side of the house, and not paint too many animals and not my hair. Today I will make my vegie stir fry, and my non dairy cheesecake and not eat it all in one sitting....
Today I will fax my house info to my broker.
Today I will braid the mini horses mane. (O;
Important stuff don'tcha know.
We tend to allow the pit to drag us back in. We forget it is ok to laugh, watch Americas Funniest Videos, go check out Farside books, Watch the comedy channel.
Bring flowers into your house. Gather the kids and go somewhere where they won't kill each other. Ignore the talk and watch what they do.
Get some body paint and go to a river or something and let them paint themselves and each other. Focus on those things.
So get up, get dressed and choose what you will do today! Let us know if you do. And AGAIN I invite you to respond to people here! You have lots of esh to share girl!
Also I know I know I talk too much, I keep sharing this, until we are ok alone, we are not going to be ok with anyone else.
What kept me from moving on was fear, fear of never finding again or feeling again what I felt with him. Fear of being alone again after finally learning how to be with someone again. Missing the person I THOUGHT he was was a big one too.
When I first came her CG you held me up more times that I can count, and you said to me FOCUS on you. You shared so much ESH with sooo many of us.
You are a gift and this too shall pass-it will. Maybe a rest right now is what your body needs........
Please take care of you! shelly
__________________
Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
What u focus on grows so my very simple suggestion to you ((carolinagirl)) is this: focus on YOU fully and completely and love yourself first.
When I came back to alanon 4 yrs I was obsessing 24 hrs a day, seriously for most of my life. I was fueld by fear/anxiety and the guilt that motivated my codependent actions and had suffered suicidal ideations 25 years. I had never focused on me and I didnt know how to love myself or even try to.
Think fo it like this - each day u get 100 units of energy - what do u spend ur energy on, people, things, how much of ur energy are u giving & to where. How much do u sepnd on others in love, worry. Look at how much energy u give to yourself.
Then choose to take a percentage of that energy and give it to yourself in love. I had to get down to 1% and still I felt over whelmed. I went down to 1/4 of 1% and decided I could afford to give me that. That tiny pitiful bit I got down to was palpable and it has changed my life ever sense. Im sure Im on a higher percentage now, not really sure where but 2 yrs later, I can say I love me and not feel weird or feel like I dont no what it means. Loving me a miniscule amount changed me.
I also developed boundaries and that hel;ped bc after that I got to experience detachment for the first time. I can love me first, be detached and still be loving & supportive to others. Loving me first does not take anything from me, strangely it has given me so much more and it keeps coming.
Focus on you ~ you can change you not anyone else. I promise u one thing - u can truly appreicate your own hard and the feelings of self respect and self love are priceless.
What u focus on manifests so when u realize ur thinking about something that is not ur business (like a bf or family or wtvr) bring ur mind back to you and what u want and what willl empower you right now and make u happier now. You deserve your own love and attention. ((((hugs))))) That is the self talk I used ot change me & it worked.
I'm glad u survived the worst day and it is over... keep working it and be sure to stay in right now ~ right now is the only reality we truly have. odaat
-- Edited by kitty on Friday 28th of August 2009 04:48:01 PM
-- Edited by kitty on Friday 28th of August 2009 04:49:31 PM
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can relate to what you say as I go through the same longings.
However, I also agree with the other posts complete. I "idealize" my exbf. I miss who he was when he wasn't drinking. I fear not being able to find someone "better" than him. Being alone. Facing loneliness every day. Etc.
But you need to keep moving on....for you. I tell myself every day that all I have to do is ONE THING for myself. Once I do that one thing I can curl up and grieve if I need to.
My encouragement: I am finishing my masters degree. Waiting for final approval in my thesis as we speak. It was one of the BEST things I've ever done for myself. Therefore, I encourage you to move forward with your education. Yes, it's alot of work. Yes, it'll take some time. But, OMG, what better way to spend your time - focusing on yourself, exercising your brain. It's a wonderful thing.
As far as the $$$$ goes, I also understand it is a huge financial commitment. I have been out of work for 9 months now and have a TON of student loans coming due. Very stressful. However, education is priceless and I have to believe that some day it will pay itself off.
Go for it, CG! And hang in there. I'm right there beside you feeling the same things. You aren't alone.
all I can say is that when things got awful for me in a relationship my knee jerk response was not to be able to detach but to want to commit further. I had to work on detachment day and night and observation before I could stop this tremendously destructive behavior on my part. All I can look at is my part, I can't speculate on why someone else is behaving like they are. I can set boundaries when they behave destructively for me rather than get into craving that they will change and send myself into a spiral of complete destruction.
Carolina, for me it was the "fantasy" man I still thought of him as. The man I married.
I just did it again after all these years. AH is in prison. I went and saw him. Well I knew for sure my heart and head were remembering a fantasy man.
Many of us are searching for a mate. It is darn hard to be lonely. I have come to love my aloness. Also enjoying who I do see. I am also blessed with an internet friend in Louisiana.
I would much rather have my southern manfriend just how we are than my AH.
I invite you to do the "stop" skill. When you think of him, say stop and put in something else. could even be, today I will think of planting flowers. or today I choose to think of other things.
Not using I won't think of him, I won't be able to move I am so sad.
Stop the negative thoughts in your head. It can be done.
To me that is not love, that is obsession. Very unhealthy and destructive. Possibly it would help to forgive him.
Remember we al anoners are learning to make ourselves a recovery program, a guide to keep us from what is not healthy for us.
"I choose to think positive today." I choose to take the kids and go goof around today." I learned to live my life for me choosing what is best.
So today I choose to paint the south side of the house, and not paint too many animals and not my hair. Today I will make my vegie stir fry, and my non dairy cheesecake and not eat it all in one sitting....
Today I will fax my house info to my broker.
Today I will braid the mini horses mane. (O;
Important stuff don'tcha know.
We tend to allow the pit to drag us back in. We forget it is ok to laugh, watch Americas Funniest Videos, go check out Farside books, Watch the comedy channel.
Bring flowers into your house. Gather the kids and go somewhere where they won't kill each other. Ignore the talk and watch what they do.
Get some body paint and go to a river or something and let them paint themselves and each other. Focus on those things.
So get up, get dressed and choose what you will do today! Let us know if you do. And AGAIN I invite you to respond to people here! You have lots of esh to share girl!
Also I know I know I talk too much, I keep sharing this, until we are ok alone, we are not going to be ok with anyone else.
I like do it, don't say try. Yoda love,deb
This made me feel better for this moment, thank you, you had alot of words here that clicked for me right now~! Not saying in 30 min I wont be in a ball on the bed, but for right now, i feel optimistic.