I have heard about the "Greatest Generation", the generation that survived the Depression, and WW II, before social security, welfare, and other social services.  The generation that just grinned and bore it when things got tough.  And things were rough for most, breadwinners died, crops were destroyed by weather, jobs were lost, women died in childbirth.  Throughout all of this hardship, there was no social safety nets for most people.  If you were hungry, you either stayed hungry until someone maybe helped you or died from it.  No welfare back then, and no soup kitchens out in the country, those were mostly in big cities.

Just like today, with hard work, ingenuity, and social networks, things got better for most people.  Neighbors helped each other, the war ended, and jobs were there again. 

How did those people deal with all of the pain from those hard times?  Well, if they were like my parents, they just sucked it up, put it behind them, and kept going.

This post was originally going to be just to thank people for all of their wonderful and kind prayers for me and my Mom to get through her cancer.  I wanted to share with you all that she is OFFICIALLY IN REMISSION!!!!

She beat cancer...at age 80!

She is the oldest patient to receive full blast chemo at the Cleveland Clinic, and not only survive it, but be in remission.

But, in thinking about this news, I thought about why this time has been so stressful for ME.  Not only have I been caring for my Mom, but she is my strongest supporter in dealing with my A.

She has never been to a single Alanon meeting, or read a single pamphlet, yet, instinctively she seems to know exactly what to do with an A...and has taught me.

When the A yelled and screamed at me, she told me "he is sick, don't bother responding...it is a waste of your energy, spend it on something useful".  When I told the A to get help and he said no, she told me "it is his life, just go on with YOURS".  When I would cry at the hateful things he said to me, she would say "consider the source, remember he is SICK", think of all of those who love you, like your family and friends (then she would begin to name them until I would smile). 

She NEVER told me what to do.  When the A moved out she said "good riddance, you will be OK, I am right here with you to help if you need me".  When I took the A back she said "whatever you decide I will support you, it is up to YOU".  

Basically all of the stuff that most of us learn the hard way in Alanon after  years of work...(don't give advice, don't engage, etc.).

When she got sick and I had to care for her, I realized how much she had been caring for ME too! 

Where would I be without her wisdom? 

My A is very sick, and now an acting out dry drunk, he does many crazy things.  Sometimes they upset me, like when he cut all of the green tops off of our landscaping bushes  and only left the brown knarled branches...in the  middle of summer.  It looked like a scene from "Sleeping Beauty" and the briar patch around the castle, LOL.  I was in shock, speechless, so was my Mom, but she said "well, people will think he is getting ready for halloween", LOL.   She always knew what to say to get me to deal with the A's craziness.

Oh, and she has NO experience dealing with alcocholics!  There are none in her family, a very religious family full of doctors and scientists.

Many times I would go to visit her crying and soon she had me laughing.  Like the time I told her the A would not speak to me and moved into his home office since he said he hated me (another dry drunk blaming someone else for their misery).  She told me "think of him as a boarder who pays more than his share of the rent!".  LOL, that was funny...even to me.  She always knew a way to get me to look at things so I could be OK and go on.

I don't know where she learned so much innate wisdom.  But when I look back, I guess she really is a special person.  She was born into a comfortable family, then her father died and the family was plunged into poverty.  Her father had a cosmetic facotry and they all had to go work in it.  She was only six, and after school, worked in the factory everyday, pasting labels on the jars by hand (in 1930's).  She and her 7 siblings put her older brother through medical school, then he got a job and helped the next one go to engineering school, then they both worked and helped the next, etc.  When my Mom got older, she helped put herself and her three sisters through college by crocheting beautiful delicate lace to make fancy wedding gowns.  She was the second youngest, so worked night and day for the others, and herself, then her younger sister.  She did not get married until her younger sister graduated from college. 

My mom never looks back with regret, she somehow manages to only remember the GOOD things.  When she told me this story, when I was a kid, I was horrified she worked in a factory everyday, she said it was FUN, she was with her sibliings working on a good goal, helping her brother through college.  She says she was hungry a lot, but she said that her brother (the med student)  told her she would not make fat cells and never have a weight problem, LOL.  True...that generation always looked at the glass as half full...

Well, I don't know what she has, I just know I do NOT have it, sigh.  I always needed her to help me see things the right way.

I dont' know how she instincitively knows Alanon stuff, but maybe it is because she is a very spiritual person, and we know alanon purports to be a spiritual program.  So, maybe someone that is already very spiritual doesn't need to learn anything from alanon? I don't know...

Anyway, when I thought I was losing MY source of sanity, my Mom, I was so comforted to come here and vent and get so many loving responses, offers of prayers for both of us, and assurances I would survive. 

Many times I think my Mom can't die, because I would not know how to go on.  She is one of the few people on this earth who love me unconditionally and have been with me through thick and thin, has proven true. 

Even with my extreme ADHD she has been great.  She can tell when I have "spaced out" and will just tell me, kindly..."I can see by your eyes that you aren't hearing me...I can tell...do you want me to write it down?".  Then she just writes me a note, she knows instinctively how to help me with it.   How does she know that too?  She isn't a teacher or psychologist, just a chemist.  She always tells me how bright I am, and people who think I am dumb because of my ADHD...are silly. 

No matter what my crazy dry drunk alcholic husband throws at me, she knows how to handle it.  When he told me that he is not doing anyting but cutting the grass, so the neighbors don't seem me doing it and think badly of him, she said "Ok, now he is a boarder that became a volunteer groundskeeper, at least you don't have to do that!  You can stay out of the sun and stay wrinkle free" LOL.  Then, when my husband said he was NOT celebrating our anniversary, since there was "nothing to celebrate, why celebrate a MISTAKE" my mom said that WE would celebrate...another year of surviving living with a sick A.  That was years ago, every year now, WE go out to dinner, and she gets me a lovely card.  Then she gets ME a gift that only I can use, LOL (last year she bought me  a serger, ).  She said "you will have more fun with me, I smile at you"  LOL.  She has a million of them, LOL.

Why can't I be like that?  Sigh...

It is humbling to realize, at age 46, with a college degree myself, how much I still rely on my Mom and her wisdom.  Her getting cancer and being so sick was so stressful NOT only because she is my Mom and a GREAT MOM, but also because she is my strongest ally and main support person for dealing with my A.  If I lost her, it would be a double blow...not sure how I would survive that...

Anyway, this has been one of the  most stressful times in my life and I want to thank those who helped me through it, with so much love and compassion.  A special thanks to Rosedawn, Roxie, me24, Overcome, TeddyBearPoet, Cjo, Tahoe,  Kitty, Alizator, Allicanbe, Robinks, Debilyn, and ALL of those who kept me and my Mom in mind and prayer.  Also a special thanks to those who shared their cancer stories, that helped me know what to expect.   

Thanks to all of my dear friends for helping me through this time, and for reminding me that I don't have to feel alone...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ALANON FAMILY)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Lots and lots of love and thanks,

Mary Poppins (MP)



-- Edited by MaryPoppins on Friday 28th of August 2009 02:38:55 AM