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I got the 12 step/ 12 traditions book and read most of it in one read. Good book!~ I am working on the moral inventory step at this point, and I wonder how far back I need to go, and if when it comes time to make ammends, if I need to just tell ANYONE, or if I need to tell the person...
There are a couple things, right off the top of my head that I feel like confessing to the person I wronged-- one is the wife of the married man I was seeing. The other is my now fiance-- before we were serious but were dating, I did sleep with the x in question (the married man) and then later with my (now) fiance. Writing that out sounds bad. I guess it is bad. Most of the time I feel like I don't want to tell the wife because it would just hurt her and hte affair is long over now, and what good would it do to tell her now? Telling my fiance hasn't seemed to matter bcause I wasn't committed to him at the time, and he knew that I was still in the process of ending things with the married man. At least, those are the "technicalities" I get myself off the hook with. BUt now, I feel like just admitting everything-- like I"m addicted to telling the truth and this truth serum sort of buzz I have from admitting everything, well... it just feels good.
I WANT the discourse with the wife. I want to hear her anger, or her sadness... I dunno. I sorta want reprecussions. ANd then I want to sooth her, if I can...? Probably none of that is a good idea.
ANd telling my stb ah about the one time I slept with the x and him... well... what would be hte point of that? I can see that if it ever comes up in the right context, that maybe I could tell him now. but to just confess to be honest and stroke this feeling seems selfish since it might hurt him and damage our relationship-- which is really good and honest, all addictions aside.
"except when to do so would injure ourselves or others"
I think this is excellent stuff to bring up with your sponser. It is suggested that 4th and 5th steps be done with a sponser. And these issues are why.
Our motives are so screwed up sometimes. Would confessing to the wife simply elivate your conscious? How would it rock her world? And your fiance....is telling him simply a way of creating drama in your current relationship because you are bored?
I don't mean to sound snotty. These are questions I was asked when I found the pink cloud of recovery and wanted to "confess" my sins to everyone.
"The distorted relationships that result from drinking still leave many personal problems to be ironed out" From Purposes and Suggestions. I always thought that meant I had to be patient with the A because they were all screwed up being an A...come to find out, it was all about ME!!! MY relationships are distorted...I have personal problems (duh...I know!!)
Good luck and remember time takes time. Harm none.
Whoaaa there girl , telling the wife is a big mistake , one of our steps talks about making amends except when to do so would injure them or others . no where does it say to tell a spouse or wife of someone we have slept with , trust me I have been the wife and it almost finished me . . admitted to God to OURSELVES and another Human being * sponsor * is all that is required . Reading the book in one read hmmmmmm now go back and start over again - there are three steps before u take a moral inventory , u live them for awhile before diving into amends . these steps are number 1- 12 for a reason . I am thinking you may not be attending f2f meetings , please if your not start now before u go any further . you need support from people who have been where your at . and I want to soothe her ???? what is that . What u will do is probably end her marriage can u live with that-- just to make yourself feel better . Please re think . slow down and get help from a sponsor .
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 27th of August 2009 11:39:33 AM
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 27th of August 2009 04:43:49 PM
I would def say, check your motives - why do u want to tell, for drama, to ease your guilt or conscience?
I used to divulge information & uknow what -- they kill the messenger. I personally dont think the wife of the ex - has any reason to allow you to know her reaction to such news -- and why would u want to hurt her? What makes u think she would want to talk to you? There are consequences to everything we do in life. THINK first -- is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intellignet, Necessary & Kind?
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks, Ladies for your insights into this. Abby-- I am so sorry for your pain. I was devastated by affairs that my x had, and I decided at that time that I would need to know the truth so that I could make a decision for myself based on facts. Being lied to when I trusted someone that important in my life was what killed me-- not the affair. I know the xmm's wife asked him point blank, and even named me, and he lied to her. The reason I think it might be soothing to her is that she has a lot of anxiety in her life, a lot of internal conflict-- just like I had when I was living a lie and being lied to. KNowing these things about her-- well, it would be different if she was in lala land and had no idea whatsoever, and thought they had a perfectly happy marriage-- but she doesn't. She isn't that dumb, and I respect that about her. THat she DOES have an idea changes things THere is no way I would burst her balloon. I am not mean. But if she can heal and know her husband better, and make a decision based on facts and not on lies... isn't that a good thing? IN any event, that is neither here nor there-- it was a long time ago, and there's no point to bring it up now. It is the obvious part of myself that came up when I finished steps 1-3 and started on step 4. I started re-reading the book again... f2f -- well-- not possible for me to, yet. My sister is in AA and NA, and OA and she and I talk a lot about the steps. She is my sponsor, of sorts. 22 years sober and she's going strong to f2f meetings. I am a writer by nature, so this format is working for me. Again, I am sorry if what I say upsets anyone here. I regretted the affair the whole time I was in it, and never felt suicidal in my life until then. That relationship wore me to the bone and made me doubt that I am a good person. I know coming out of learning a spouse has cheated is so hard to do without hating and blaming but I am not a bad person, and my part was only half of it. I DIdn't take a vow to her... he did, you know? BUT== that doesn't get me off the hook and in no way absolves me. I can't just shrug my shoulders and say "o well... I didn't owe anything to her". It was a lame thing for me to do, especially knowing the pain affairs cause.
So, I was screwed up, and I admit that. If I can tell the truth now and work on becoming a better person I will. Giving it to GOd, I know he doesn't care. THat he understands why it happened/how it happened. I forgive myself for it, and don't dwell on it. But when I look back and my moral inventory, there it is.
And the reasons for it are part of that too, aren't they?
