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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling really down~What to do when amends just aren't enough?? ESH needed
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling really down~What to do when amends just aren't enough?? ESH needed
shellyj123


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Feeling really down~What to do when amends just aren't enough?? ESH needed
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The guy I have been dating the past 5 weeks and I had plans to take my son and his kids to the state park Sat for our first "day trip".  I was all excited and looking forward to my day off after a LONG hard week, and spending time with everyone.

I normally like to leave early when I plan a day trip, but on Thursday he tells me we can't leave til at least 11:15 as his oldest daughter has cheer practice.  Then Friday while I am in the market at 4:30 getting stuff for the trip, he calls to basically tell me that his EX wife wants him to wait until 1215 to leave so that after his oldest daughter gets done cheering she can stay and watch her little sister (not his child) cheer for the next hour. 

The more I thought about it the more irritated I got.  I am NOT about to organize my much needed day off around what his EX wife prefers. So I sent him a text Friday night and told him that and that we should just wait until the kids are all done their extracuricular activities (he has one the cheers, one is soccer and my son is in soccer) and that if we leave that late the day will be half over by the time we stop for lunch and actually get to the park.  And that I wasn't really feeling all that well anyway (had to go to the Dr earlier in the day for pain-of course he has yet to ask me about that visit)


I emailed him later Friday night and apologized for being snippy,and told him that it was my expectations of our first day trip that let me down and his ex wife being involved in our plans so to speak, and that I wasn't feeling that well, and that I would still love to go if he was interested to call me in the am Sat and let me know.

He texted me "good morning hun" sat am and a few short texts but nothing really and I finally texted him and told him I got the message and wouldn't bother him anymore and if he wanted to TALK he could call me later. Well I get an email from him LAST night in response to my email I sent apologizing for my part in it, which basically said he would have loved to had gotten the email sooner and still went.  (Now I also texted him Sat b4 we left and asked him AGAIN to go and his reply was "im cutting the grass (his yard is 4X4) and the girls are out playing.  And as for me getting the message "he got the message with the f@#k off email I sent early Friday" (I had emailed him earlier Friday basically stating that I really did care for him and had feelings for him but that I also needed right now to focus on my program so that I could be the best I could be-which was something I believed he deserved. )and with canceling the trip etc.  Apparently everything I did, said or wrote was misunderstood.  He ended the email with "I guess we can chalk it up to me having to much baggage" and I haven't heard from him since.......not nothing.

So I apologized for my actions and expectations-(quickly did Step 10 when I realized what I had done), I texted him several times,tried to get him and his girls to go with us Sat and emailed and even sent him a text this am.......I've gotten NOTHING back....not a response, not a go to he@#, kiss my A@!, not a text , not an email.

I'm guessing at this point (since this is the longest we have not spoken/emailed since we met,(he called and texted non stop from Hawaii 3 weeks back when he was there) that our dating relationship is done.  And I'm sitting here writing this feeling like the hugest A$$ in the world.  He kept telling me early on he wasn't going anywhere, etc etc, work my program, take care of what I need to, etc and then this......complete and utter no contact........NOTHING and I'm more than a little hurt by it because I think I deserve a lot better than this shutting me completely out and walking away without so much as a conversation.  And I'm more than a little hurt because I really thought this guy was better than that.

Am I overreacting? I won't contact him again-I feel I have went above and beyond in the making amends department and he has done nothing in return and I wont be a needy doormat.  I've let go and Let Go and deleted him from my cell for starters.

 Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.  I am just really confused about all of this and really taken aback and upset. I really thought this might turn into a committed relationship, I thought that was what we were working toward and both wanted eventually, as soon as I was done working on me some more.

shelly



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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!

Only God can turn a mess into a message.

Prayin' on it, Stayin' on it, I will survive it.

If nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes.
maresie


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I can only give you my ESH. My expectations and my needs in relationships were  tremendous.  I would presume nothing. 

I know I am ms huge need in a relationship and I will base my whole life around  them.  All relationships go through stages.  Every one has to negotiate changes.

Sometimes  we  make it through them  and  sometimes  we  don't.

Maresie.

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maresie
Christy


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I always try to consider both sides...You've stated yours.  You were upset due to the change of plans and delay, you wanted to leave early and you were angry because you felt his X was dictating what had to be done, resulting in more of a delay.

I don't pretend to know what the relationship is between him and his X.  Maybe he feels he has to abide by her rules, or maybe he is the kind of guy that just rolls with it and doesn't want to argue.  Or maybe they have an understanding.

I've been on both sides of this fence.  His and yours.  So let's try seeing it from what may be his perspective.

He calls you, then calls again and says it'll be an hour later.  This makes you angry and you fire off a text telling him you aren't going to organize your plans around his X's needs and that he should wait until his kids are done with extra activities.
* He is probably thinking your anger is going to be an ongoing thing because he is always going to have dealings with his X and his children. 

Your apology said that that it was your expectations that had let you down and his X being involved in your plans.
*Again you mention his X being involved and not liking it..

He texted "good morning" and doesn't mention your e-mail.  According to what you've said I think he hadn't seen it yet and you came back with "I got the message and wouldn't bother him anymore and if he wanted to TALK he could call me later."
*If he hadn't seen the apology e-mail yet, which would explain why he didn't mention anything...and you are saying you won't bother him again,  I can see where he may be backing away at this point.

You sent the e-mail on Friday, but are you sure he read it Friday?  It sounds kinda like he didn't.  Which would also explain why when you texted Sat. saying you still wanted to go, he was cutting the grass.
I can understand after the anger, texts and e-mails that he may consider that he has too much baggage for you to be OK with.

Yes, he said he wasn't going anywhere and for you to work your program, but for him that may not have included not being able to deal with his X's involvement and his kids in his life and how he is used to dealing with them himself.  Remember, to him...this stuff may be normal.
It may seem that all he did was move the plans up an hour.  Something he obviously thought was no big deal.  To you, it was a big deal because you like to leave early  and didn't want to change plans nor have his X change them for you.

As I said, I've been on both sides of this..so it makes it a bit easier for me to see what may have happened.

Christy





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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Jerry F


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That use to make me feel down and insane too.  I learned how to stop it!!

(((((hugs))))) smile

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david62


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(((Shelly)))

Step 1.  Admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. 

.....and will continue to be unmanageable outside of what is going on inside our mind.  And I have got to work the steps and the program really hard to even have any success at that.  smile

David

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Tenderheartsks


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I've learned that when I make amends, I have to let go of the results of those amends.

Making amends is for me, and cleaning my side of the street.

What the other party does/doesn't do with the amends is on them.

I've also learned to be much more spontaneous. I grew up in a very rigid household, and I carried that into my adult life.

I go with the flow, so to speak of.

My plans don't hinge on anyone else these days, and what a relief that is!

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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience."
- Woodrow Wilson
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling really down~What to do when amends just aren't enough?? ESH needed