The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am an eighteen year old female. I have a father who seems like he never stops drinking. To make things worse, my parents always fight about it, and my grandmother (his mother) makes up excuses for him. I heard her say once, "he's not drunk, he's just tired". It made me wonder if the rest of the world is as oblivious as she is. When a 49-year-old man stumbles around, cursing, and putting down his family, it's not usually because he's tired. I always tried to make him happy. Give him cute Father's Day and Birthday cards. I'd do his laundry for him before he went to work so he had fresh clothes. It was never enough, it seems. There's always something for him to yell about. When I was told I have a learning disorder, I remember he said, "It's no learning disorder, you're just not smart. Which is okay, college isn't for everyone". That killed me inside. Nobody ever wants to be told they're not smart. I have a low self-esteem as it is, and he knows he hurts me, I'm sure. I just wonder if he actually cares. My mother used to tell me that he would be a great father if I gave him the chance. I just don't see where he deserved the chance, or even wanted it. We rarely physically fought. The last time was when I was seventeen. But, when we did, it might have sounded a little like D-Day to the neighbors. I remember numerous times where police would be called. Finally, I felt like I needed a vacation, so I left for the summer, returning only when he was at work. Today is my first day home, and already he's found a way to put me down. I don't know what to do. If I leave home, and never come back until he dies, I leave my little sister behind, who I care deeply about. But if I stay there, I'm asking for everything he gives me. I really need some help with this, any input would greatly help.
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"Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there are footprints on the moon."
The best suggestion I can offer to you is this: RUN, don't walk to the nearest Al-Anon/Alateen meeting you can find. If you can't get to any face to face (f2f) meetings, there are online meetings here twice a day - we'd love to see you there. Here's the schedule:
Al-Anon Meetings Schedule Current meeting times for Al-Anon Group. All Times Are Eastern. * Al-Anon (Mornings) Mon., Tues., Wed., Thur., Fri. 9:00AM (Nitely Meetings) Mon.-Sat. 9:00PM Sun. 7:00PM All times are Eastern Standard Time -1 hour for central time -2 hours for mountian time -3 hours for pacific time +17 hours for Sidney Australia
Room is open for general chat at all other times!
And here's the link to the page to get to the chat room:
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this - I know it hurts.
You are absolutely in the right place. Good for you for reaching out!
Have you ever heard the saying "hurt people hurt people" ? That's what is happening with your Dad. Most alcoholics are secretly ashamed of who they have become (but won't admit it). Their hurt comes out in ways that devistate friends and family. If they aren't outwardly putting their blame on someone else, they would have to look at themselves and they don't want to do that. It's too painful to admit that they are destroying themselves . So the hurt and anger it just keeps bubbling over at others. Truly, it's not about you. It sounds like Grandma is a classic codependent. Making exscuses and being in denial that there is a problem.
Alanon can give you the tools to deal with both of them. You need not feel like you are asking for it by staying. Is your sister old enough to attend Alateen? It would be so helpful to both of you to attend meetings and become a united front. Once you go maybe you can leave some literature laying out where Grandma can see it.
We can't change the Alcoholic, but we can change ourselves and create boundaries to protect ourselves.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome to MIP I'm glad you found us. I understand how your feeling. I too have an alcoholic father who was very cruel. Because they are sick with the disease of alcholism they behave in ways that hurt and confuse those who love them. I can see from your post that you are very bright and very strong and that you are smart enough to be able to deal with this. People who are raised in familys like ours are strong and clever, we have to be in order to survive. In Alanon or Alateen you will find great support from others who understand and have found ways of living a happy life, regardless of what the alcoholic in their life is doing. Can you look in the phone book or on line for your nearest face to face meeting? I know its hard to be positive when living with this but you can do it. I
Please keep posting and keep coming back your Worth It
Hello and welcome , at your age your old enough to attend Al_Anon meetings I hope u find one in your area , his drinking isn't about you , it affects you but u are not the reason he drinks . Adult children seem to take on the blame just like we do , after being put down for yrs , unfortunataley we begin to believe what is hurled at us over and over again . When working this program u will learn to detach from booze talk and recognise it for what is , garbage . The arguments between parents are common and very disturbing to our children , makes them feel insecure most of the time . trying to please an active drinker is jsut about impossible nothing makes them happy and even if you perfected something they would change the rules and up the bar . focus on yourself , what ever your doing u do the best you can and u do it for you not anyone else . Keep your expectations low , try not to react and get into an argument ,you never win an argument with an alcoholic . u will learn alot in our program to make your life better , there is nothing u can do about dad or mom . Pass on what u learn here to yor sister so that she too learns to live a little happier ,there is a program called Alateen . sponsored by Al-Anon members that will help her to understand a little more about this disease . she is very lucky to have you . goodluck Louise
Thank all of you for your support. It really means a lot to know that people understand my situation and don't look at me as someone who can't handle reality. That's an understatement, right? I've been dealing with it since I can remember. It is reality. But, it's something that I wouldn't even wish upon my worst emeny. I try to explain to my sister things that nobody told me, that I figured out on my own. I try to make sure she's always well-fed, doing well in school, and has clothes. But there's only so much an eighteen year old can do. She's fifteen, so she's old enough to atend Alateen. I'd like to talk to everyone more often. I'm already learning new things. Thanks for the help! :)
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"Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there are footprints on the moon."
