The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After some "board Poke'n" and reading around, I have realized that i am missing out on wonderful things, I am missing out on others growth, and friends sharing amungst themselves, moving forward, keeping it real...
I have finally realized my problem is ME!!! (Ok I'm sure You All knew that, but I can be a slow learner)
Last night I had a full schedule, soccer practice, 4-5 mile walk "durnig Practice", get a table for Grandma's yard sale, run it across town to her, help her set up all of it. My Husband calls me at 9:30.. & Says "Hey, Me and the boys get'n hungry when you make'n the trip?" (I forgot ALL about their food, Thier dinner), my day started at 6 and till I got home, got me something to eat, it was 11 at night... I know that may not be much to many, but I have been running this pace for the last 2 weeks straight, I have been in high gear, not one day with Nothing To Do... All 7 of them planned out, before I even have a chance to register a thought... "My Life Has Become Unmangable"....
I keep telling myself that "After this weekend" it will all get back on track... Well After this weekend I could use a WEEK OFF... I have exhausted my body with exercize, running, thinking,No Work, Layin off Guys, Payroll, taxes, suppliers, cleaning, moving grandma, goin to parks, kids leaving, soccer Starting, School clothes, school starting, schedule to keep, dinner dates to make... And all the while, I am RIGHT BACK At the Beginning again...
POWERLESS... That is a huge word really... I have some how went to a place in my Recovery were I was rolling along so well... That I got completely OUT of Control all over again... What Changed for me to put me in this place? How did I get to a place were the bumps in the roads accually HURT to drive over? How did I have it ALL "Program, f2f, daily's, Prayers & more" and LOSE it all?
My SIL & I was just speaking of this the other day, we are both in program, and both just seem Deflated... What can steal my wind so fast...How do you go from HP to Crazy in such a short amount of time... I know HP is there, and I have always had that spiriaul connection even before my program, but A month ago I was on top of the world, and now I feel like the earth you scrape from your shoes after a good rain...
I have not cooked a meal in the last 2 weeks, because I am NEVER here to do so, my meals are cerial, pop tarts, & oatmeal on good days... I get off work at 4:30, clean house/do laundry till 5:30, go to practice till usually 8, run all my negelected errons and till I step foot in the door, the only thing i want is my bed... Tomorrow I help Grandma with her yard sale so Up at 5:30 to get there, spend the day with her (My Last day), and then start all over again...
Just totally deflated, and really doin the best I can to survive... Survival seems to be key in all this crazyness...I feel like that ballon you blow up and release, Just fly'n aimlessly in every direction, I guess I'm still waiting for it to Drop back to earth...and, Pray'n the world just stops spin'n for a while...
Thanks for listening... Needed the release... Doin my best to go One Day at A Time... However, those "One" Days are beat'n me down...
One of the hardest things for me to learn was that the word NO can be a complete sentence , I don't have to be nor can I be everything to everyone , when I try to do that I loose myself one more time and usually end up resentful . Most of us are people pleasers , we do and do and do again even when we don't want to , stop and smell the roses around your own home , enjoy your family make time for the boys and husband .and time for a nice stinky bubble bath for yourself. We have a slogan EASY DOES IT . I don't have to be always running and when I do I ask myself , what am I avoiding this time ??? focusing on others stops me from seeing me . goodluck Louise
