The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In January, after a very crazy making break up with EXABF, I reached a point of acceptance. EXABF decided after what I thought was us trying to work things out one day, to the VERY NEXT DAY, to move on and we were over and he needed to date others. I was hurt, of course, I had been lead to believe we were trying again, but something happened that time, the second time he hurt me like that, and I decided to put my all into my program, focus on me and just let him go and let God.
Something happened then and I can't explain it, but everything was just easier, everything felt better and the tears where just done. I saw blessings in everything and everyone. I saw my HP around every corner and could stand in awe for hours just looking at the clouds and the things He created. There was a calmness, a serenity and a happiness I had never known in my life-and I lost it! I completely lost it and haven't been able to get back to that place.
In February I was feeling great, no contact, and had the best birthday I had had in years-then he shows up at work with a bday card. I accepted it, got a bit caught up in the what ifs and whys, but still kept my focus-UNTIL he asked me out for the first day of Spring. From that MOMENT on-which was 4 weeks before the date-nothing was the same and I could not find my way back. It got crazy all over again LONG before we went out, and I knew in my heart, by the way I was stressing that I shouldn't go.....but codie me had to.
Not long after our infamous "spring date", he of course ended things again, and I went all crazy on him, and we danced the crazy dance back and forth until I absolutely thought I was insane and could take no more, and I ended things for the last time.
Since then we've had a few "moments" of limited contact but nothing recent.
I've continued to try to work my program, though it has been tough, life is on overdrive right now. I've continued with my daily readers and drug myself to meetings so tired that I couldn't even tell you what they were about. I've done everything I can think of to find my way back to the feeling I had in January, to that awakening that made me soooo very happy, and I just can't find it. I don't know if it's something I'm doing, or not doing. I just know that I miss that me, and that happiness and I'm trusting that I am right where I am meant to be right now, but I'd love to go back to that point in time.....
Any ESH would be appreciated. love and peace shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Shelly... just a thought, but maybe you need a formal end to this relationship.... for YOU. I wouldn't involve him in this - that would be asking for more of the crazy dance.... What about the idea of writing out a "dear john" letter, citing why you need to permanently end this relationship, then safely tucking it into a bottle, and throwing the bottle in the ocean (or lake), etc...
It can sound kind of trite, but sometimes we need to create these "lines in the sand" for ourselves...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I remember the thoughts and lessons when I was over doing; "You can only do your part not both parts, God's and yours." "Often times I get more by letting go completely." "Getting tired means I'm putting a bigger wall between me and what I need. I'm not going further just higher." "Apathy and complacency are the two last steps before death."
Do you have a sponsor or are you trying to self sponsor? Give steps two and three a more meditative look cause it sounds like you had a taste of it in January before another "take over" attempt.
Your post is very informative of your condition. (((((hugs)))))
You and I have walked similiar paths. The constant rebounding between thinking we've let go, thinking if only....., thinking we had it sorted, thinking we had some control over ourselves lol. I posted recently on how something had changed in me. As you know for almost a year I had been in so much pain in my relationship. I was trying so hard to do the right thing. Truth is I was in total denial. In my defence I didnt realise it, I was working my program in earnest, going to meetings, praying reading everything but nothing really changed. The reason for this was I hadn't changed. I hadn't really Let Go and Let God. I was hanging on, bargaining every step of the way. Romancing it all and deluding myself. I went through months of real grief, I cried myself to sleep every night, waking up with massive anxiety and feeling exhausted. I kept on going even in the bleakest times, sometimes I felt like not even my HP was listening, but I kept on praying and asking for God to take my will and to carry me through. Then last week when I had taken back my will again!! resulting in more pain and anxiety I was obsessing over what I was going to do/ say next to my exabf, when a member of my home group simply said, "dont do anything, pray on it and wait for inspiration you'll know what to do next" So I waited and I didnt act on my feelings. I prayed on it. Dont ask me what happend but I just felt calm, I could see what I'd been doing. I accepted for the first time the reality of my situation. Acceptance has brought me serenity, sounds so simple now, but for months I was complicating it all with my denial. I couldnt see it before because I was searching outside of me for the solution. I believe my HP walked me through this every step of the way. Nothing changes if nothing changes, I know I've changed and you'll know when your done with it too.
Look down at your feet ((Shelly)) they're right where your supposed to be
With love hugs and Gratitude Carol
-- Edited by Mariner on Thursday 20th of August 2009 05:06:39 PM
I have been in a similar place too with my husband...back and forth...turning it over to God...and then picking it back up again, unable to let go for some reason. I have had those moments of:
"Something happened then and I can't explain it, but everything was just easier, everything felt better and the tears where just done. I saw blessings in everything and everyone. I saw my HP around every corner and could stand in awe for hours just looking at the clouds and the things He created. There was a calmness, a serenity and a happiness I had never known in my life."
As you said, when you picked up the b'day card and got caught back up in the "crazies" you "lost it". I know for me whenever I have allowed myself to "go back there" to that relationship with the non-recovering alcoholic, I have "lost it", "it" being my peace and serenity.
I think Canadian Guy has a good idea in writing a "Dear John" letter (for you not for him) and using it to "formally end the relationship". I think I may use that suggestion for myself.
Yours in Recovery,
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
