The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Whew!Since my last post, I spoke with my sponsor, got my butt thoroughly kicked, finally woke up to the fact that I was trying to control the outcome.After a couple of days of beating myself up, I got my sorry self to a f2f meeting as well as severalonline meetings and finally got back on track.It also helps that AH has been at the lake since last Thursday.I really need the physical distance, at least for now.I think he senses that too.
There have been a couple of times over the past several days when AH and I have spoken over the phone when I suspect he's gone back to drinking, but THIS IS NOT MY BUSINESS.He's not been verbally abusive to me since our discussion about the potential divorce, so that's a good thing.I still have a lot to consider - such as is this something I am willing to accept going forward?Hmmm - not sure about that,gut reaction is "nope", then I get all twisted up trying to justify that reaction.Oh well - baby steps - if I let go of it without taking it right back, then I'll get my answers in HP's time, not mine.
In the meantime, I got a lot accomplished over the weekend.Finished painting the upstairs, got the room somewhat put back together, blinds purchased and installed.It looks pretty darn good, if I do say so myself!And I've been feeling pretty darn good too - especially as long as I remember that what AH does (or doesn't do) is none of my business as long as it doesn't have any negative impacts on me or my kid.
Been working in my 4th step blueprint work book - and "working" is the operative word here.Talk about intense. I'm up to the section on Responsbilities. Yucky work at times, but thought provoking as well, but is definitely worthwhile as long as I don't over do it.
Taking care of other things too - dealing with a bee hive in the front yard, getting upstairs a/c FIXED (finally), vacuuming pool, usual house work. The rest of the week promises to be busy as well - back to school shopping, getting hair cuts for me and the kiddo, end of the summer pool party with the scouts and all the preparation and hilarity that these activities entail.
This is the kind of "busy" I like - I have something to show for it in the end instead of staying busy in someone else's business, in which case I get ABSOLUTELY NOTHING positive in return for it.
So I guess the thought at the end of this ramble is that I got busy with myself and I got better. It does work if you work it!
Thanks for listening to me blather on - glad you are all here to hold my hand or kick my butt whenever I need it!
You're doing great and we're all pulling for you. Great way to keep the focus on you. I wanted to share that I too could find myself starting to obsess. Will he or won't he? Did he or didn't he. Like somehow me thinking about it might lead to a different outcome. Maybe I can dissuade him, encourage him, remind him of my boundaries, otherwise known as trying to control his outcome when I could only control mine. After beating my head up against that wall so many times my head is bruised, I think I've given it up. I also found that if I was suspicious but unsure, the disease is such that I would be certain soon enough
It hurts to get our butte kicked around, but my sponsor does it sometimes too, and I usually need it!
I just wanted to say that I'm working my BluePrints for Progress Workbook too and agree with you that it is intense. I have been working on it since April. I just take a little at a time. It is hard work, but as you said, worth it.
I am on the section on Love. For me it was the hardest section so far, because I had to really search to find things that I love about myself, much less how I express that love! Heck, I was still working on adding things to the list of "things I like about myself" under the second section on Self-Worth! My sponsor keeps asking me to add things to the list! Aughhh! I'm up to four, think that's good enough for her? NOT! lol
It's good to have tough sponsors though, they make us work the program!
Love in Recovery, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
