The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been a long time since I have been here ... I need unbias opinions, DH 20 yrs + with addiction really begining to believe he is unable to be honest with self, very hard core user , found with no heart beat once by friend and brought back to life by EMT ect... rehab , yada yada.. family full of adicts and disfunction, one sister in particular he was into sales and using heavy.. I made a drastic attempt to sober him and change our life and state and location, near one and only sober sister and (elderly MIL who is the root os family disfunction but harmless other then bad memories) ...long story short other sis felt left out and sober sis felt sorry for her after she got baker-act and locked up and BROuGHT HER HERE ... DH harbors family guilt and feels it is fine for him to "hang" with sister and he manage to relapse on coke yesterday ( not with her) but his whole additude now is ..you cant tell me not to visit my family..she is still drinking yada yada.. I tell him you cant choose your blood family and sometimes they are just toxic. Let it go, but he wont..so now I sit with my 20 years of his disease watching it all come back quickly ..boy do they know it when they say "you cant run from it"... Do I draw a line or say "so long" its been real ... I have worked so hard for my life and I am getting really dissapointed that I can see that I may have wasted 20 years of my life, how do I ... loss for words...Is it wrong for me to want him to stay away from using sister?
In all honesty, he's got to come up with the "hows" himself..... If not, then the "three C's" (we didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it) would be a sham, as you could "cause" his sobriety by way of controlling who he interacts with....
All that being said - there is a wise old saying of: "he will either drink (or use, or hang out with dangerous people, or etc), or he won't... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you, and dive into recovery - for YOU. The right answers, unique to you, will become more evident.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
We could make a quick million if we could "Make" them clean and sober. Unfortunately "WE" can't do that they have to.
Unfortunately all of the games we play trying to get their attention, trying to force a solution, trying to do just one more thing for them so they will love us enough to quit drinking and using; never work out for us. Thus we end up feeling like we have lost the game of life once again.
I can only share with you what worked for me. I had to get myself into face to face Al-Anon meetings as many times a week as possible; got myself a sponsor and worked the steps. Once I started learning how to take care of me things got better around my house.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
HC, Sounds to me that now is a perfect time for you to dive into recovery as Tom suggested. I know for me that is where I found me..or I should say alanon is where I started to find me and I am still a work in progress.
The three C's that Tom shared with you came into my head as I was reading your post. There is a page in courage to chagne that refers to pigeons in a tree doing what they do best even though there was a man sitting under the tree. The man was upset and realized the pigeons did what they did not because he was there, but because they were pigeons.
I keep that in mind when it comes to my AH, he isn't doing this because of me, but because he is an active "A".
It isn't easy to focus on me while he is slipping down the slide of addiction that will end with a painful thud, but if I don't focus on me then I will try to soften his thud and that will only hurt us both. I can focus on me one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. But I can do it and this program has taught me how and given me the strength.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
My only suggestion, not advice, would be in reguard to the Question Tom asked. What are you going to do??? Please consider f2f meetings. That's where you will find the answers you need.
We use the phrase f2f so much that sometimes it may seem over used. It can never be over used, but I will add they can also be referred to as "Eye To Eye Meetings". You will be looking other member straight in the eye that are walking or have walked in your shoes. You can talk to other members one on one after the meeting about your own situation. You will find the ESH there that you need and deserve.
Keep coming back and posting, and always take care of yourself first!!!
One of the toughest thing I;'ve ever learned in Al Anon is that, ultimately, i have the problem, they don't. However an alcholic chooses to live their life is their business, and I need to stay out of it--ultimately, I'm the one that's upset over their behavior, they're not, and as long as I'm the one giving away my energy to their insanity, I'm a hostage to their behavior. Like other's have said, I'd really recommend getting yourself to a meeting and start working on you. Because, as long as you're allowing him to determine your happiness, you won't find it.
Welcome Back Home HC I am so sorry that addiction has again raised it's ugly head in your life. It is truly cunning babbling and powerful.
You are right - we can not run from this disease but we can use the tools of alanon to rebuild ourselves so that we can live life with courage, serenity and a little wisdom.
You are not alone. Please keep coming back post, visit chat-attend on-line meetings- read the boards.
All this activity will help you to find you and learn how to take care of yourself Once you pick up these tools you are on your way.
Thanks sooo much for all the kind words and wisdom...I find it hard to just let him be as we are suppose to be a team in marriage and long marriage, he is harboring more then just addiction mental issues, there is other trauma that is keeping him frm being constitutionaly truthful to himself ... metally now that he is sober, he is just flat out nuts, maybe even a sociopath, he fits the online description to a "T"...I just think it may be time for me to move on. Ive discussed it with our adult son and he is worried naturally if Im not there that he will fall apart and potentially die. its possible, how does one bear that burden? I know if I walk away its a death sentence for him. everyone knows it and tells me often, even his family. its not fair, im drained.
... I need unbias opinions, DH 20 yrs + with addiction really begining to believe he is unable to be honest with self, very hard core user , found with no heart beat once by friend and brought back to life by EMT ect... rehab , yada yada.. family full of adicts and disfunction, one sister in particular he was into sales and using heavy.. I made a drastic attempt to sober him and change our life and state and location, near one and only sober sister and (elderly MIL who is the root os family disfunction but harmless other then bad memories) ...long story short other sis felt left out and sober sis felt sorry for her after she got baker-act and locked up and BROuGHT HER HERE ... DH harbors family guilt and feels it is fine for him to "hang" with sister and he manage to relapse on coke yesterday ( not with her) but his whole additude now is ..you cant tell me not to visit my family..she is still drinking yada yada.. I tell him you cant choose your blood family and sometimes they are just toxic. Let it go, but he wont..so now I sit with my 20 years of his disease watching it all come back quickly ..boy do they know it when they say "you cant run from it"... Do I draw a line or say "so long" its been real ... I have worked so hard for my life and I am getting really dissapointed that I can see that I may have wasted 20 years of my life, how do I ... loss for words...Is it wrong for me to want him to stay away from using sister?
