The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been dating a guy that's 2 years sober (I apologize for not having all the acronyms down yet, feel free to enlighten me). He's actively working the program, and has been as long as I've known him (about a year and a half).
He's a very social, gregarious sort - what drew me to him in the first place. The problem is, he's got one friend in particular that's a little too......close. She was there during his rehab/early days, and for that she has my utmost respect. Where the problem lies is that we rarely have any "couple time" (she lives next door).
She's divorced, has 50/50 custody (ugly divorce/custody issues), and is (as I've been told) unable to hold down a job (family history of depression, etc). She lives off her alimony/child support and has my BF jumping through hoops for her. He's bailed her out financially on more than one occasion that I know of. He calls her constantly, he's cooking/ordering dinner for her/her child, and whenever we do decide to go out she's asked to come along (I spend weekends at his home). He's said more than once that he doesn't know where'd she be if he wasn't there for her (need to rescue?)
Others have asked me what's with their relationship (they suspect that she's knowingly using him, that she's not as needy as she appears to be), and I don't know how to answer - since I really don't know either. He's said more than once that he'll always be there for her. I understand friendship, but at this rate I don't feel there's any room for any potential relationship to grow. I've asked if he had ever considered a relationship with her, and he said that they both agreed no - they didn't want to jeopardize their friendship.
We had a dustup this past weekend, and BF suggested that in order to get a better idea of what/how he's wired that Al-Anon might offer some guidance. I've yet to go to a f2f meeting, but decided to poke around online and here I am. I've also ordered Courage to Change and Paths to Recovery.
I found the link on detachment, and I can see where I need to set some boundaries (I readily admit that I normally allow myself to be the doormat in order to avoid conflict). The problem is, how/where do I begin to set boundaries/detach myself from a situation such as this?
Sorry for being so long winded, I'm looking forward to becoming a member of your "family"
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If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
I am a firm believer that anyone can benefit from this program..and since your SBF (sober boyfriend) is active in a program you can learn the recovery language here.
I find it humorous that your SBF suggested you come to Al-anon because from your assessment of his "friendship" with this woman...alanon could be useful to him to. It is not uncommon at all for those who start out in AA or NA to come over to alanon after they have their recovery well grounded. I have heard many of those same alanon members state that AA/NA saved their life and alanon taught them how to live it.
Now for alanon helping you get a better idea of how he is wired, it could in the long run. For me alanon has little to do with my avitve addict husband and more to do with me. It helps me keep the focus off him and on me and my actions. I have learned to set healthy moveable boundaries and not the walls that I used to set up. I also have picked up many other tools that have helped me stay out of his head and not try to figure out why he does what he does, but just let him be.
I have also in the past had the joy of working a program along side him. There was a period of about 18 months when he was clean and sober and I was active in alanon and it was an experience that I will always cherish. The two programs are a great compliment to each other.
We have two meetings a day here in the chat room. You can find someone in the chat room pretty much 24/7. These meetings can help you get the feel to what an alanon meeting is like as they are ran as closely as possible to a f2f meeting. The ESH (Experiecne, strength, and hope) you can get from any meeting be it here or f2f will be such a blessing.
The important thing keep coming back. You already have a great start to your recovery library.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Thanks for the words of encouragement, all. I've spent a good part of the day on these boards and am sure that this is a good place for me. Hopefully someday I can return the favor.....
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If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
Answers will come as you start working the program. Keep the focus on yourself, what's acceptable for you, what isn't... how would you define "Live and Let Live"?
Keep coming back! Have you found schedules to your local face-to-face meetings? I've found for me my recovery and growth take leaps and bounds when I work the program with face-to-face meetings. Helps me break my isolation and "I can figure this out by myself" habits.
Take care!
-- Edited by Aloha on Monday 17th of August 2009 05:19:41 PM
Aloha AC...seems that you've made the awareness that your situation is not helpless or hopeless. I too am a double...back doored AA from Al-Anon so I got my life back, learned how to live it and learned how to put up defenses to the possiblility of relapses. I have others in program that I have "stepped out" a bit more farther than my wife has experienced. She came from a marriage to a "liar, cheater" guy and so she came with some vivid fears and concerns. She was good play back for me so that I could inventory what and how I was doing what I was doing thru her eyes and reactions. I still have the relations but I do them a bit different now and I also have invited my spouse in as additional support when she feels open to it. I also revamped how I worked my priorities.
Good to have you here. Follow up on the earlier suggestions. Program is where you get to have your own life and relationships with others at the same time.
You don't say anything about your boyfriends background. Why not explore that. Was his family like this?. Loyalty is a huge issue in dysfunctional famiilies this may be a pattern he knows rather than a one off manipulation event. This kind of relationship is familiar to him. Above all don't focus on her and how dysfunctional she is and the whole bit of leaving you out. Focus on the big picture. In addition, get all the al anon tools you can and practice them till you are an expert.
