The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that I am supposed to keep the focus on myself and that I have to let go of things that I cannot control...but I am so terribly terribly stuck... I don't understand myself ...or what is happening....and I don't want to keep doing this and I don't want this pain to go on anymore. I am trying to work my program and go to meetings and I do call my sponsor several times a day.
I have been with my BF for six months. He is without alcohol for 18 years but doesn't make meetings and never worked the steps. I have been through a very difficult relationship with him that caused me a lot of pain. I won't get into all the details, but he did warn me that he had issues and was screwed up when it came to relationships. He has many good and wonderful qualities that I fell in love with. I tried hanging in there with him because of this. Several weeks ago he came and told me that he was sorry for all that he put me through and told me that he really wanted to give our relationship a shot. For the last couple of weeks I saw a major change in him. He became an attentive and warm human being that cared. I began to believe that we really had a shot.
There was an intimacy issue in our relationship that I kept trying to address with him. This week he blew up on the phone and cursed and got very nasty with me and told me that he didn't want to deal with this. I told him what I felt and what I thought we needed to do to improve things and got off the phone. I was still stinging from his anger and his coarseness and decided the next day to put some space between us. I guess he decided to punish me for doing so and I haven't heard from him since.
Needless to say, my head has been in a tail spin and I have no idea just what the hell made him turn on me the way he did. He refuses to communicate with me. I feel very devastated since I don't see what in the world I could have possibly done wrong that he would just walk away from me like that. I could see if I had done something terrible where he felt that I really screwed him over but to my knowledge, I haven't.......So, as I try to let go of the mental obsession, I am still stinging from a lack of understanding or closure....I didn't know if he was ending things....or what???.....It hurts like hell.... I feel like he made me out to be some horrible monster...and am beginning to blame myself for everything... even when I have no idea what I have done ...My Al-anon buddies tell me that this isn't about me...What am I to make of it..?? ....How do I get my head unhooked from this...I am traumatized!!! My mind and emotions feel so screwed with...Please give me some helpful ESH feedback on how to deal with this situation...I want to be at peace and I want this pain to stop...HELP!! Thank you for your help.
I had the same exact situation with an xgf! Sometimes i just need my space, i needed her to really do not interrupt my way or how i am working my programs. The man was sober for 18 years; so for sure whatever he is making, it is working with him. So you do not have to be judgmental like "he doesn't go to meetings....etc" So for sure this is more like: Woman really focus on yourself. Anyway in my relation it was the same until one day i just became nasty from her, and just walk away! FYI when any recovered addict think that a relation threatned his recovery; he just let it burn in hell. Al-Anon is my second fellow ship, so i also kinda understand why you was doing this; but this is not the way it works and you can never fix him. Keep Focus on yourself, fix yourself and just let it go and stop asking the WHY questions Take care.
Aloha SBG... Maybe coming at your problem from a little bit different direction might help. Instead of coming at it from "why Can't I Let This Go??? try it from "Why Won't I Let This Go??? It's not that you can't its that you won't. Or not that you can't but that you don't. You can but will not. Give that a shot. (((((hugs)))))
Perhaps one of the reasons he hasn't contacted you is because he needs space and time. You can't force someone to give you the answers. I know when I am pushed for answers I tend to push back. When I really need to do some sould searching I will isolate myself. Demand answers from me when I am not ready to give them, and you won't see me until I am darn good and ready. It drives people nuts. But I will not be forced into something I am not ready to do.
Whatever is going on with him, he seems the need not to contact you. There's nothing you can do about it. Remember an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. It's out of your control. His recovery is up to him and his HP. Just like yours is up to you and your HP. There is no use in wasting time and energy trying to figure out what is going on. You'll know something when you know it. What you can control is how you react to it. You can obsess about it. You can call him all you want or whatever. Or you can take all that energy and put it back on you. Jerry has made a very good point about asking yourself why you won't let it go? Is it because you don't want to face life alone? Remember there's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Is it because you think you might have failed at the relationship? Hard questions to ask oneself. Even harder to answer them. Take this time to refocus on you. You can do this. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Today...I am in a better place...I finally am at a point where I no longer care. I am exhausted....I had to take a look at my part in this crazymaking dance.
I have allowed this man to go in and out the door over the last couple of months. I told him that it was extremely painful to me and asked him to limit his disappearances. I don't think that it is unreasonable that a person take some time to think or cool down. I do, however, think it is unfair when someone just ups and disappears and never explains their disappearance. I think communication is key. Very important to at least say.."I need time to think or cool off"...that is not what happens with this individual and I have set a boundary in the past but he has failed to respect it. So now ...I have to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. This is not acceptable anymore. It is too painful and disrespectful to me.
Tonight I finally ate after not eating for three days and I also feel that pain in the pit of my stomach gone. I actually feel relaxed now and like I will actually get sleep tonight. It is no longer important to me whether he comes around or not. I don't need to go thru this again. He has issues he needs to resolve in his time and his way...but no longer at my expense.
Thanks Jerry..You are right .. I need to let this go..and put me first. I feel sooooooo much better. Lots of Gratitude and Love, D
Hi Saved By Grace! Are you a recovering alcoholic as well or your boyfriend alone? I am seeing a man who is recovering from abusing alcohol and have had VERY similar feelings as to what you describe! I can only give you how I deal with it. Hope to hear from you soon!
Hi, I am not a recovering A..but a recovering Al-Anon.... I spoke with my guy and we worked through our issues. He comes from a family where his mom and dad got angry with one another and didn't talk...(sometimes for months)...No wonder he does what he does. Learned behavior. I also realize that his "up and leaving"..triggers my abandonment issues. My mother and step dad used to argue and one or the other would walk out the door (which was traumatizing to my siblings and I when we were young)..So again, I see how his issues trigger my issues.
I realize that I can only do something about my own issues...So, I am working on my 4th step with my sponsor . Eye opening right now..and eventually ...Liberating. I hope to be able to completely detach without any emotional reaction in the future and let my BF be..accepting him not as a bad human but a scarred and fearful human (like the rest of us)...When I address my own issues..I suppose this will not have such an effect on me anymore...and until that time..my sponsor suggested "not making any life changing decisions."
I am working on me...and using all the tools of the program. I want the reality of the Promises of this Program and am willing to go to any lengths to have it.
