The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Family, Just wanted to drop in and share some experience, strength and hope. For about three weeks I have been trying to address an issue in my relationship with my dry drunk BF. There is an intimacy issue that is very pertinent and when I first addressed it with him, he said that the lack of intimacy was because things had changed between us and that he was more "into" me now and has feelings now....( I know, I know..its confusing)... I told him that I thought that since those feelings were now "there" for him, that he would want to "naturally" express them.
The second time I gently attempted to discuss this issue with him he told me that he is paranoid about my son being around (as I am a single parent in a small apt). I suggested (since my BF only lives around the corner from me) that my son is old enough to be on his own from time to time and that maybe we could spend some "alone" time at his place. He never followed up and invited me over...I bought lots of lovely lingerie...he seemed disinterested.
The third time I approached the subject he told me its because he is tired when he gets home from work. Three different occasions...and three different answers..??? My gut told me that something was wrong...I began feeling like maybe he wasn't attracted to me anymore...or maybe something was missing for him..I wanted to work through things with him so that we could understand each other and love each other and stay connected. He blew up this past Tues on the phone and said, " I am not discussing this F'ing BS with you."...So...I had to let it go. I decided to put some space between myself and his disease and unacceptable behavior and not see him the next day. I did tell him that I was sorry he wasn't feeling well and I hoped that he felt better soon. I never had any reason to think there was "someone else", since my guy is with me every day after work and on weekends. He is 55 years old. I wondered if perhaps it were more of a physical thing and know how difficult it is for men to discuss these matters. Nevertheless, we are adults and I love him and thought that we should work things out together.
Well.... I have not heard from him since Tuesday night.....!!!?? I have had to step up my meeting attendance and use my phone list. I have had to cry and also talk and get it all out with my safe and wonderful support system. I managed to get out Friday night and have a great time with friends and also went to the beach yesterday and enjoy the day. The pain in my gut is still there and hurts ...but I am remembering to breathe and count my blessings ...I have so much to be grateful for. I have slipped and sent him text messages asking him to please come around to talk and make peace..but still no response. I am not cursing and angry..but I am praying for him and hoping that he finds his way. Today I can love him, but love me too...I don't know what tomorrow may bring so I am staying in the moment and staying close to my Higher Power and trusting His lead. I know that all things work together for good, not just for me, but for all of us.
I know that whatever happens, I will be alright....with or without him..He has to want to get better and I can't make that happen. So I will continue to pray for myself and for him and I will continue to let go and let God...through my tears and my fears...I thank God for the tools of the program and the people who so genuinely reach out to support and help me stand. I can't do it alone...and I am so grateful that I never have to. I don't have all these expectations anymore...but I still have so much HOPE.
You don't mention how long your b/f has been sober , but if it is a just a week or two there is a posibility he can't perform , impotency is common in newly sober A's , it may last a few months or longer but it does go back to normal eventually , some people i have talked to say its a combination of the shame and guilt they feel towards thier past behavior others say it is a chemical thing that happens in sobriety . be patient . Just keep doing what your doing , keep the focus on your self all will be revealed in time . Louise
My bf has been without alcohol for 18 years.............. As I said though, he doesn't make meetings or anything..so talking about intimacy issues or anything delicate is very difficult.
I can sympathize with your dry drunk BF story. My AHSober left four years ago. He has been sober for over 20 years. He did attend AA and then let that go. He wants a divorce. He basically amputated the relationship. Cut me off from all that I knew. I thinkspart of it is about power and control. Also, now that I have some distance from him (he is 62) I wonder if he just couldn't perform. Dry drunks are emotionally stunted. Maddening to deal with. Keep working your program.
In support, Nancy
-- Edited by nmike on Sunday 16th of August 2009 07:55:45 PM
I know what your going through. Mine is a dry drunk too.. They don't even know it. It's the insanity of the disease.
nmike is right, it's about power and control.... Mine became a control freak when he finally got sober enough, to stay sober. I am happy he is dry, but he doesn't make any sense anymore.... I thought the torture would stop when the drugging and the drinking did... but it didn't. He would lay out boundaries, then flip out even when I respected them... He didn't make sense, and it was very hurtful.
This msg board and the alanon the chat room (when I couldn't get to a meeting) have helped me a lot. I am so greatful to all the people involved in alanon. I don't know what I would do with out them. Stay true to your program and yourself. You have a family here... love, support and understanding. My heart goes out to you!
Thanks Jane. ..I know that its insanity..but my disease keeps trying to make sense of the insanity...How insane is that??
I'm still sitting here ...waiting for the phone to ring and him to have a conscience call...Like my life and well being are his to decide...I have to keep checking in and listening to the crap that goes on in my head..and then calling my sponsor and listening to myself say it out loud...and then posting it here..so I don't sit in it. I have been told that we are only as sick as our secrets...so I am telling on myself because I don't want to stay sick or stuck!! I want to be healthy and sane.
Hi My BF has been sober for about 3 and a half months. Although he is not drinking I can still see this disease poring out of his being. I am trying so hard to be understanding if they are not attending AA they are not changing their stinking thinking still alcoholics but sober. My BF's behaviour can be so crazy then if he goes to a meeting I can see a dramatic change. I can be full of stinking thinking myself then as you say attend a meeting or ring my sponsor to have my medicine that makes me better. I see it that if we or the drinker dont work our programme we dont get better. I am sick my is sick AA and Al anon make us better gradually. take care of you and work your take what you like and leave the rest
