The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As some of you may know, my aH and I have been separated since last Oct. I always hoped that we'd each get better and we'd be able to reconcile and live happily ever after. And, as I stay connected with my reality, the chance of that happening seems less and less.
I was thinking about how I ended up here in this place of emotional turmoil and the truth is, more than anything else, I've changed. I was formerly living in this place of denial and unintentional (and sometimes intentional) oblivion.
I ask myself, why can't I have back that guy who wrote me songs and talked to me until the sun rose? Or the guy who was always so willing to cater to my ideas and whims? Or the guy who didn't hang out with the boys, because he wanted to hang around me so much? The guy who took me camping and even though it rained for days, it was still the best trip of my life?
The truth is all my fond memories that I have of the times my aH and I shared there is one common denominator that taints them all...he was not sober. At the time, it didn't really seem to bother me. I guess I was too smitten and self absorbed to see and maybe I didn't want the truth of the situations to ruin my good time...my good life.
And now, I see. Now I see and I know the answer to why I can't have "that guy" back. The answer is not because he's changed. It's because I've changed and I see things differently now. I expect more. I expect honesty. I expect clarity. I expect a partnership. All of which he is unable to give me.
It's not a good time for me anymore to invest my heart and soul into a relationship where 1/2 the couple is not seeing or thinking from a sober perspective. I don't want to throw life and responsibilities to the wind anymore and go with the flow. It's not enough for me anymore to share whimsical ideas that never come to fruition, over a couple bottles of wine. Writing a song for me is not going to be enough for me, if you can't love me the way you promise to in it.
Sigh... Sometimes I wish I could go back to my delusional and ignorant happiness. It seemed easier back then...albeit unreal.
Ah yes, Rora, I know the "delutional and ignorant happiness" well. I didn't know I didn't know. Then I did, and I fought it, trying to convince both of us that it all could be okay "if only". He was not willing to even try, and in the end (if that time will ever come) I think that will be a good thing because at one point I was willing to settle, endure, and sacrifice all I believed in for the sake of principle and family. Finally, I came to the point of clarity, that our problems consisted of much, much more than the alcohol, and that we both deserved more than we could give eachother in our relationship. A hard reality to come to grips with.
You are growing, Rora, and change is a good thing. Keep your chin up. You are not alone.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You are doing a great job of staying in the reality of your situation. Not an easy place to be and somewhere that most of us avoid being.
I too find reality really hard to stay with, I constantly choose to ignore the truth of my relationship, I indulge in delusion and outright fantasy of what could/ should be. Staying with the fictional version in my head, looking at old photo's, reading the amazing poems he wrote for me and thinking only of the good times keeps me there in denial. By doing this I'm not moving on, I'm going round and round in circles, month in month out.
These insights are painful but once realised there can be no going back. I'm happy to be growing in awareness even though it is painful at times. I feel I'm slowly moving on. Progress not perfection. One day at a time.
Rora- Thank you for sharing your story. I needed to hear it. I am stuck exactly where you were...wanting the old guy back, romanticizing the past. If any of you remember, I posted a few weeks back that my AH went to rehab voluntarily, then had an affair while in there, started drinking again when I found out, and is now back to the lying BS that was there before.....only worse.
I found out today that when I was away last week with my kids (had to cancel our family camping trip because his ex doesn't want him to have his kids until he's got his life figured out)......anyway, I found out that he called this woman from rehab again, I've pieced together a lot of info from different sources, and he's just a manipulative liar........and I've fallen for it over and over and over again.
Well tonight I'm getting up the courage to tell him to move out, that I can't simply live with his promises anymore, I need to see action.
I need all your ESH........I am grateful for this board and for my f2f meetings.....I know I have changed.
I send you all the love and hugs I can, Rora......hang in there. You're doing great.
You are taking life on life's terms and doing very well at it. It isn't always pretty. It isn't always a charm. But the upside of it is that we no longer hide from reality. We become stronger by living in the now. You get stronger every day. As we continue on this path of recovery life does get better. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
What a frank post. I know when I met the ex A he camaflaged his drug use well. He was always using. I chose not to see it. I also desperately wanted a relationship. I had to get to a point where it wasn't the be all and end all of my life.
