The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know if it is fuzzy thinking (lack of sleep), stupidity or intimidation, but I have a long standing habit of making a decision, then thinking about it, questioning myself, wanting to change my mind after it is too late, being resentful, and ultimately completely responsible for wrecking my own serenity.
My soberexA and I share custody of the kids, rotating the weekends. However, even though we have a "schedule", we are both very flexible with our time to meet everyone's needs. We are still defining our divorce agreement and while technically custody is a 60/40 split in time, my ex has stated he wants to amend it to state 50/50. We do not trade time, just arrange as needed, and ex A has mentioned that he just wants us to "share" the kids. For what it is, it has worked pretty well, but what I am noticing however, is that more and more he is sharing my time (and I am allowing it).
This is my weekend. Earlier in the week he mentioned to my older two kids about going jetskiing today, THEN he asked me. I saw the texts he sent my daughter that basically put it all on me. They would go if I said yes. I was set up. I didn't ask why or for details. Being I had nothing planned for the kids (yet), I did not feel like I could say "no", because then I would be viewed as spiteful and resented by my kids, keeping them at home doing nothing when they could be having a fun day at the lake. In my communication about the whole thing I requested he have the kids home by 4:00 instead of 6:00 since it is a school night. He politely said he'd have them home by 6:00, and I still did not object. I could have said "I change my mind, take them on your weekend, but I didn't." I really had control of the whole thing but I chose to take none of it. Later, after it was all set with the kids and I was stewing, I texted and expressed that from now on he needed to talk to me first because what he did was unfair to me, and I got a response of "I appreciate your input". Yeah, is that a recovery response, or what?
Trying hard to not always project the bad thoughts, I convinced myself that since it is the alternate weekend, it would just be him and my kids. Not so. Going also with them are g/f and her kids. Of course, I didn't discover this til after. He obviously planned the day because she had her kids. This is a relationship that causes me much pain. I am resentful that he had an affair with her (both still married), her visits to rehab got him kicked out, she and her kids now live with him since her not-yet-ex has refused to continue to pay her rent, they have matching custody schedules, he is creating a new "family", he is sober and heavily in recovery being the dad and familyman he never was with us, he always gets to be the fun guy .... I could go on and on, and then I say "sure, you can all go together to the lake on my day with the kids!" What is wrong with me?!
So, why did I say yes and add to my resentments? Why am I supporting their "family fun" time.? I am keeping my youngest home because he does not enjoy it. I made this decision, but then exAH suggested it because it makes his day easier.
I read an article that said people learn more from their successes than failures. I think there may be something to that or it would not be so easy to engage in the same mistakes over and over again. Haven't I been a doormat enough? Isn't the situation painful enough as it is without me adding to it? I struggle with the fear of being, or being viewed as, the spiteful scorn exwife. That wasn't my only option. I totally forgot I have a voice and choices. I chose to say yes. I could have come up with something to meet my needs too. I could have just told my kids that they could go on a different weekend. I didn't think of any of that. For some wierd reason I felt like I was backed into a corner. Now I feel manipulated. I want them to have fun, have a good relationship with their dad, and not let the hatred I feel be seen, but I often forget me in the process. More than anything I am mad at myself for not sticking up for myself.
I know this too shall pass. I will focus today on my youngest and have a fun day swimming with him. Any ESH or insights to calm me would be appreciated.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
"heavily in recovery" my ass. He is not drinking or drugging (to your knowledge) and he is NOT following the suggestions of the program (or he would NOT be living with someone). Period. End. He is NOT "in" recovery. And I am not judging here, that is just a simple fact and there are many more that you have shared here that support that simple fact. So, treating him like he is now a good and decent person because he does alot of meetimgs or whatnot is STILL making YOU crazy.
He is sick. He is NOT well and you are still forcing on those glasses of denile trying to make him something he just isn't.
A man "in" program would never treat YOU disrespectfully as he is treating you. He is using you. That's not 12 step. Every once in a while he is nice, or throws you a bone which makes you think he has changed and he does at least respect what you two had together and then he goes right back to treating you like dog doo.
Maybe that sounds harsh, but it sounds to me that you are simply still enabling him. You think you have control over his fatherhood. That if you make everything easy for him then he will continue to be a good dad and the kids will be happy. Same as a wife enabling and smoothing over for a drinking husband. No difference. Sure WE see it as a good thing..helping our poor stupid sober A's to be good dad's and they see it as exactly what we poor stupid co-de's SHOULD be doing and so the circle continues.
It HAS changed and your kids have to realize that. The best way I have heard (and heard ALOT) is to get a schedual and STICK to it. No deviations no matter what. Again, that seems harsh, but consistency and sanity are the very best things for the kids. Spoiling them by allowing them to do whatever would make them "happy" will only show them that you feel sorry for them. Do you know what it is like to feel pitied? It's not a good feeling. You grow up thinking there is something really wrong with you cause your own parents were not strong enough to set limits and guidelines and show you how they loved you. Rather than feel sorry for you because of the mess they made with their lives. (Yes, personal experience of an ACOA there)
Let the courts handle it. Think about what YOU want minus him. Take your ex from the alter of your heart (a line from a lovely alanon sponsor) and put your HP back there and THEN make the decision that is best for YOU. Because by doing what is best for YOU your kids will benefit.
"I have a long standing habit of making a decision, then thinking about it, questioning myself, wanting to change my mind after it is too late, being resentful, and ultimately completely responsible for wrecking my own serenity. "
((Lou)) - I am simultaneously sending hugs to you because I *completely* relate to this and laughing at myself because I have been in this place all week long!
I got my self to a f2f meeting after wallowing around in this awful place for a few days (and after having my butt kicked here and by my sponsor LOL). It was the best thing I could have done for ME.
Hang in there, hon - we love you and it will be OK.
In my case, I feel resentful when it looks like he is happily moving on with his life (however self-indulgent, but that's none of my business.) And I absolutely hate it when they're having fun together, and I'm not part of it. It happened recently, they all went to Chicago for a big family function, and the kids came back to tell me all their fabulously fun stories... all the exciting little details. It hurt... that I wasn't part of it. That's what I noticed. Not that they went. Not that they told me. But that I wasn't part of it.
I would examine my motives for changing things. The real cause for the resentment may be something else. Custody flexibility sounds like the best thing for the kids.
It's going to get better ((Lou)) There's a lot of healing to be done.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Aloha Lou, I'm grateful after reading your post and saying to myself "Been there, done that!! Had all the feelings and thoughts and spiritual pain and sickness and it was that sickness that urged me to work the program and get it even when I wanted to get my way of doing things fulfilled.
I can still hear the voice of my sponsor urging me to "Let it go. Turn it over. There is no way in hell you're going to escape this without anger and resentment." He was right. He was talking to my insanity.
Here is the training field of detachment. This is where the banner hung on the wall "And I have found that Acceptance was the solution to all of my problems" is, and while I tried to understand that and not barf over it the first practice was to just keep my eye on it and not look away. I had no philosophy of my own or belief or behavior that worked. I was hurting myself worse than the alcoholic was and nothing I was going thru by choice was disturbing her fun. Insanity!!
I thought that only way I could let go was to cut off the two hands I held on to my problems with such a tight grip. Impossible I believed until I learned different. I am a fighter and the solution was to focus within my fist, open my hands and surrender. If I force my hands open I cannot make a fist. If I have no fists I cannot batter another including myself.
There are sooo many yet who will reject the idea of acceptance and surrender without the awareness that part of the disease is in the addiction to pain and the need to hold others (the alcoholic is only one) responsible for personal pain. I was a past master at it until I learned to open my grip and let it slip away. Self love for me was wanting peace of soul before anything else and peace of mind to go with it.
If at the same time you have the opportunity to let something hurt you, you also have the opportunity to not let it hurt you question why again you make the choice you make and the consequence you earn. In entertaining opportunities to get back at others I no longer consider saying, "There I got myself good that time."
On the lessons of choices my sponsor taught me, "First choose the consequence you desire and then do the behavior to get it." Yes it makes all the sense in the world after I surrender to it.
You can change your mind anytime you want and still remain outside of control.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 16th of August 2009 06:55:56 PM
I think that's totally normal. I do it all the time. I also will say though that's a classic codependency trait and if you read on it, it's very interesting. I'm really trying to break a LOT of my codependency issues. This changing of my mind several hundred times, I haven't gotten quite a hold of yet though. I'd say it's one of the LAST things I'm able to tackle, but it's also one of the last things that's probably hindering my recovery.
To put it simply, you're probably scared of making a mistake. That's my fear all the time. You want to be sure about a decision. We all do, but the problem is, there is never a sure way all the time. It's very difficult. We can't predict the future. If we could, I'd tell you I'd be on an island, that I owned right now. ;)
Really though, read up on the codependency stuff, and it touches upon the flip flopping of decisions.
