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(We've been separated almost a year now). She didn't quit drinking after her DUI, in fact she has pretty much ramped it up. She decided to have people drive her around (most of the time) to try and prevent another DUI, and last night the guy who drove her home raped her in the car. I went there and stayed the night with her. The next morning she was already minimizing it and saying that she would just make sure it was friends driving her around. I don't see how she could possibly just forget it like that, she asked me about 20 times if the door was locked. So I told her I was done. I did not want to take any chances that I might be enabling anything bad to happen to her, so don't even talk to me until she had gone to an AA meeting. (Don't even bother with the advice about how she should report the guy and go to the hospital, she already said no way.) Then later that same day she texted me saying she would go to a meeting. I said cool, there's one starting right now and you can be ten minutes late to it - I'll meet you there. She of course said, no, she meant she'd go in a few days. So I said don't say it if you don't mean it. She's texted me and called me a few times since then and I have not answered.
I am so sorry this happened to her. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do for her. You can't force her to go to the hospital or force her to report it. Apparently she hasn't hit her rock bottom yet. You're in a very tough spot. What ever you decide to do or not do, we are here to support you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so sorry that this happened to your wife, but as Karilynn said you can't force her to go to hospital and you can't force her to report it. She will have to live with the nightmare. How sad. Denial is such a terrible thing.
My alcoholic doesn't want to go to the hospital to have tests run for his esophageal varices, a life threatening condition of the throat that was brought on by his drinking. I can't make him go and can't force him to see the doctors, so I just have to Let Go and Let God. He has already been to the ER once because he couldn't swallow his beer (a horrible thing for an alcoholic!) and they told him the condition was due to his drinking and smoking. I doubt that he will stop.
We are seperated as well and scheduled for a divorce hearing Aug. 25th. So he soon will be out of my life for good. I am trying to detach now from his prediciment and Let God and Let God. Hope you can do the same.
Love in Recovery, Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Wow it amazes me how we as well as the drinker can be in denial to our pain. I many times told my A about meetings and he did attend a few TO KEEP ME HAPPY i now realise. If we give them utlimatums they may attend a meeting but it wont be for the right reasons. In the end I handed my A over to his HP I ended the relationship and he went to AA because he wanted to, that is why his recovery is working slowly. Have you ever been forced to do something or done something to please another. We dont succeed unless our hearts are in something and we really want it for ourselves. My recovery is the best thing I have ever done for myself. However there are moments when I see something and the pain is to much I feel like going back into my life of denial. I choose to recover we can not force anyone to enter recovery it wont work because it takes hard work and determination our hearts have to be in it.
So sorry for all your pain hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest.
I can't get over how much addicts and alcoholics will put themselves through. I am so sorry, Flying Squirrel!
I wonder if going through something that awful actually makes her more afraid to give up drinking- then she might have to feel the consequences even more?
-- Edited by gngcrzy on Sunday 16th of August 2009 11:16:11 AM
(((((Flying))))) for me I've gotta read that post with the overlay, "Cunning, Powerful and Baffling." I get to revisit my life and relationship with my past alcoholic wife and reexperience powerlessness, fear, dread and love anyway. How could an HP not exist? Sobriety, Insanity or Death. I pray she arrives at Sobriety first and that you keep getting back. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks, everyone. Apparently me not talking to her actually was enough to get her to follow through and go to a meeting tonight (she only stayed the first half) but of course that was probably just to make me happy. Although, when I told her beforehand that there were usually only one or two women there, she said that didn't matter to her. So maybe deep down she really did want to go. I guess time will tell. I told her that I wasn't interested in catching any STD's so she better get tested or I'll be using a condom on the rare occasions that she is actually sober and wants to get busy.
What a really tough one. I was there dealing with someone who was a complete wreck. All I can advise is detach, detach, detach.
I personally would not say to any alcoholic you have to go to a meeting. They need to want to go.
Its true sometimes a meeting can pull them in but if they are in denial they may have to go to another bottom and that is torture for those around them.
I am so sorry to what you are going thru and what happend to your wife.. As far as her acting as if nothing had happend.. I can say from experiance and I am not an alcoholic.. Sometimes its easier to do that when you have gone thru something like that.. There is alot of shame and emberresment that is felt going thru a thing like that.. Alot of anger.. All things we dont want to feel or deal with.. Alot of questions in our heads when it happens.. Etc.. I can also say from experiance she will have no choice but to deal with it at some point.. it may be weeks.. months.. years.. I can not say.. Its all in that person to decide.. I also understand your pain in this.. Its very hard to see our loved once drink as it is and then to see them go thru something so horrible and you want to help them and they just brush it off.. Its more deniel.. And they are already in that when they are alcoholic.. I am so sorry for your pain, anger, and hurt in this.. Just please keep taking care of you.. I am proud of you for not answering her calls after you told her you would not.. You are doing great.. Also proud of you for coming here and reaching out.. You are doing the right things takeing care of you and working your program.. Keep it up hun.. Hugs and prays sent your way..
remember when our A's are at their worst - we need to be at our best - so please take good care of YOU - try to focus on what is good, healthy and recovery oriented for YOU.
HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity) Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
