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I have a husband of 20 years and he has battled alcoholism for 9 years of our marriage. I am living a roller coaster of emotions. I am a menopausal woman, certainly not young anymore, but youthful and active. The thought of divorce at my age is something that I never thought possible for us, but lately, I'm re-thinking it because I just can't take the ups and downs, the lies, the lack of communication and the torment of the anxiety of worrying. Even the good times have the feeling of doom approaching. We've been through counseling, he has been in AA but here we are still in the throes of alcohol. For those of you who have divorced, I wonder if you could let me know if a wife gets alimony. I have terrible concerns about whether I would even be able to support myself. I always imagined life getting easier and here I am so worried about my future. Any input would be so much appreciated.
The best way to begin exploring the possibility of divorce is to get professional help. An attorney in your state will be able to describe in detail what you can expect.
Have you been able to attend any Al-anon meetings? Simply attending a first meeting will be of tremendous help in clearing some of the fog and starting you on a path where you can find help for yourself.
You can find the phone # locally and they will direct you to a meeting in your town. It maybe helpful to try to remember that your husband may have the disease of alcoholism but it is not necessary for you to base your entire identity on that and that help is available.
Welcome , please please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself before you make any life altering decissions * divorce* . Go to as many meetings as u can find for a few months u will then be able to make an informed decission not one based on emotional chaos . It is possible to be happy regardless of wether he is drinking or not , get your life back on track learn about this disease / divorce will not solve your problems , u have been affected by someone elses drinking and you too need to recover . Your worth the effort- take the focus off of him and put it on yourself , you deserve to be happy . Louise
i understand where you are coming from. My addicted/A H does the same thing gets sober for awhile goes to AA. This is the up time. Then something happens usually insignificant to us he takes a drink and starts using again and it is back to the emotionally unavailable, poor me mentality which is so draining. i agree with the other post to get into al anon take the focus off him concentrate on you for once ( we never do this to busy taking care of everyone else) wait until the chaos and emotions have died down to make an informed decision on your future. I am in the same boat and when i put the focus on him i want to divorce because i am basing what i want by my anger. but when i focus on me and leave him to his HP and his rehab program I choose to revisit the divorce thing later when i can make an informed decision. Best wishes to you
Abby is right on the mark, you need to slow down, get to some meetings and get professional advice.
I was married for 22 yrs to an alcoholic, there were good times and the roller coaster ride is all to familiar. He passed away and I still miss him two yrs later.
Get your head together, get the right advice, do what you need to to for you.
Thank you all for your wise advice. Getting advice from people who have walked this walk is very helpful. I know that I am putting all of my energy into him and not me. Everything I feel is all about how is doing. If he's good, I'm good and if he's bad, I'm bad. If he drinks, it takes me so long to recover before feeling better. I must share though, I have been to Al-Anon meetings and sometimes I get so upset just hearing the details of others with alcoholics in their life, that I stop going. I feel that I have so many of my own problems that I just can't hear more problems. I am a person with a lot of empathy and I just feel worse sometimes after leaving a meeting. Has anyone else felt this way?
Sometimes hearing other people's problems makes me realize that mine aren't so bad. You know what else I like about going to meetings and hearing other people's problems? You can go the following week and things could be completely different for that person. It reminds me that bad things/feelings/events don't last forever and this too shall pass.
I understand the fears of divorcing. I have thought about it for quite a long time too. I have a cousin who is going through a divorce and the first thing she did was to see a lawyer to find out what her rights are and how much it would cost - her first visit to the lawyer was free. At least then she knew where to go from there. But she is not in a program.
If you start a program like Al-Anon, I do believe they suggest you wait a year before making any major decisions (I could be wrong about that time-frame though).
