Shelly,
Welcome to MIP. Glad you found us.

We don't give advice here, but can offer our ESH(experience, strength, and hope), suggestion from we have done, and through that you may find your answers.

For me, when i read your post my first thought was trust your instincts. When I smell something fishy....there is usually a fish around. You say you have been there before so you know what you are looking for.

Also for me a couple red flags went off when you said he hides it and drinks alone.

Have you been around alanon, been to meetings. I would suggest that you look into it. I dated addicts and then married one. I have learned that I need to fix what is attracted to them and what attracts them.

We have meetings at this site in the chatroom twice a day everyday. There is usually someone in the chat room 24/7 and this message board is a great place to find the ESH.

Keep coming back.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

Aloha Shelly...You can find tons of literature, much for free, inside of the face to face
meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups where I finally parked my body after yelling
"Uncle" to alcoholism.  "I Give UP!!" and when I did I started to hear things that
made some sense and then all the sense in the world to me.  

What I was told about, "How do you know alcohol is a problem" was that "If it had
become or was a problem...to me...It was a problem."   Keep it simple huh?

I come from the disease...born and raised relationships and marriages to alcoholics
and addicted women.  It's all I knew...how could I do or expect different?  I did
what I knew...natural.  I am also by the way a recovering alcoholic so I know the
disease inside and out. 

How I needed to understand outside of myself was to go and be with others inside
of the programs of recovery...Al-Anon was the start and then AA to guard against
ever restarting my own justified style of drinking.

Today I still hang around people like myself who's life has been devastated by
alcohol, alcoholics and alcoholism.  Everyone of them is in recovery and everyone
of them can help me from strolling into the quicksand of the disease again.  That
is what we do now...help and support each other from returning to the insanity of
this disease.

We are here for you on MIP and although this is not an Al-Anon approved site is
can and will lead you there also.  There are many many "walkers" in MIP.  Walkers
are those to practice and walk the program of Al-Anon.   I don't know (because I've
tried) any other groups of people who can do so much to save a persons mind,
body, spirit and emotions who have been affected by someone elses drinking.

Welcome...stick around and read old and new posts, consider the suggestions
that are given to you by others who have been where you are at and found a
way out from the program.  That's one suggestion.  The earlier one was get to
the Al-Anon program and sit and listen, learn and practice for 90 days or so and
then consider if this alcohol thingy is really your problem.    I suggest what I've
done and what has worked for me...that is what worked.  The hot line number
for Al-Anon is in the white pages of your telephone book...call it for the times
and places for the meetings in your area.   You will be glad you did.

(((((hugs)))))

The best thing about this program is that my qualifier doesn't have be be officially diagnosed as an alcoholic or not... only that if his drinking bothers me, I can find help dealing with my fears associated with my qualifier's drinking in the Al-Anon program.

I imagine you wouldn't be here if his drinking wasn't creating some concern for you, though.

I can get pretty critical when it comes down to labeling or identifying an alcoholic. I might read your post and the description of his habits... the amounts, the hiding, etc. and say "Yup. He's an alcoholic."

Sometimes, I start looking at all the people around me and start labeling them as either alcoholics, addicts or al-anon/co-dependents. (I can get pretty label-y and define the whole world as being sick in one of the two categories! haha.)

But in any case, I find that the label doesn't really matter so much in as what I plan to do with how I'm feeling about the behaviors and situations. Al-Anon helps me to work through it all.

Hi Shelly,
I'm new here.  One thing that stuck out in your post to me was your brave admission about your history of dating and your dad, and when I was first questioned on my dating history by a counselor I fluffed it off, but when I really took a closer look MAN I was really shocked and disappointed in myself at what I accepted in my life for boyfriends.  I then took the hard look at my dad who REALLY didn't drink but came from a hard long line of abuse, and was a dry drunk.  He was an alcoholic and my mother kicked him out for 6 months.  He came back, but never got into a program of recovery.  To this day, he's a VERY angry man and has a LOT of isms and it's not until I could do a lot of self discovery that I could see this picture right in front of me and really understand my own history.

So I can't really answer the question about your new boyfriend, but I'm sure deep down, you can.

IP

Welcome ((( shelly )))) - I sent u a PM private message.