The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I previously posted that I would go back to my original Message Board name Java, because I wanted to keep what was said and done on the message board completely seperate from what was said in chat. I have since realized that I can do that by just keeping my mouth shut! lol I don't have to change names!
In my "Overcome has become Java again post" Mandy said, "I can understand why you did it to. With all my different user names for different databases, email accounts, computer log-ins, and what not...I decided the best for my little brain is to have one for MIP :)" I am known as Overcome in chat so, in order to simplify my life I will stay Overcome in both places. I also had a personal comment that the avatar associated with java freaked someone out! So I guess my ugly mug isn't so bad after all!
More on the subject of "having an identity crisis": I wondered if part of my problem was just simiply having an identity crisis with myself because I was getting divorced again and changing back to my maiden name. I have been in 4 alcoholic marriages and have changed my name 4 different times, always going back to my maiden name, except for the time that I divorced my daughter's dad, then I kept his last name for my daughter's sake. This divorce though I 'm going back to my maiden name. It's the name that I most identify with (much like Overcome in here). I have to do what feels right for me.
I guess what I'd like for this thread to be about is: has anyone ever had an identity crisis when divorcing an alcoholic or just living with one for that matter. I know that when I was married to my alcoholics I pretty much "became" what they wanted me to be, losing myself in the process. When I was married to my first alcoholic he was a government trapper, so I "became" an outdoors woman, hunting and fishing, running traps with him and even helping him to "make" scent bait and all kinds of things.
Then when that alcoholic marriage ended, I ended up marrying another alcoholic who was working on a MBA. I became a career oriented person, working on a Masters in Science so that I could eventually become a Professor, because He thought it would be interesting for a CEO of a company to have a Professor for a wife! Again I tried to reconfigure myself into something else.
With my third husband I continued on this "trek" to become a Prof. because I hadn't figured out that it was my 2nd husbands dream for me not mine...it took me getting cancer to figure that one out! My 3rd husband didn't have much ambition and didn't know who he was either because he was the adult child of an alcoholic and had lost himself too.
Well finally with this fourth husband I have had enough al-anon to know who I am and know what I like. Before I met him I lived on a farm and trained horses and loved it! Now due to the demise of this marriage, the financial failure of the farm, and my mother's declining health I am stuck in town and having to "redefine" myself all over again.
This time my "redefining" will be done my way though. It will not be to the whims of some other person or persons, no matter how well-meaning they may seem. My counselor wants me to become a nurse (because of my science background) that idea is SO scary to me and one I may consider, but not one I will "become" just because she said so! lol I am an individual with a brain of my own and will decide, with my HP's help, who I am today.
I am looking forward to your responses to this post. I think it will help me to understand why I am having such an "identity crisis". Thanks in advance for your responses and I promise not to change my name again! lol
Overcome
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
hehe, I'll take you however u wish to share & express yourself... only u can determine what ur identity is and who u want to be. Glad u share so much of yourself here (((((((((((((oc, java)))))))))))))))))
I used to feel very identified with my job & work. I try to seprrate myself from that junk now, to be free as a spiritual person and abide what "society" says. i am not my job & I am not the money I make - it has no bearing on me & is NOT a reflection of me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Overcome, When I first came to MIP........way back a long long long time ago I was known as Truly (My kids had just watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and that was the first thing to pop into my head). Then I lost my internet for years and when I came back I was a form of SrntySeeker I think. Then I went away again. When I came back for the last time I came here as Dolphin123. After being a regular in the chat room and the board for about 2 years I realized that dolphin was a mask.
I have been so used to hiding who I really am, what is going on at home, what I think, how I feel, etc... I began to feel that being known as Dolphin was yet another way to mask the real me, oddly enough Dolphin was closer to the real me that any other nics I had here.
I decided to let go the mask and become the real me for my family. Now my real family (the one I was born to) calls me Mandy. On a professional level I go by Amanda. So since I consider my alanon members my family I go by Mandy with them. With the exception of my f2f. From day one I have always been Amanda and I think going by Mandy would just be too confusing for some of the old timers.
And on a side note....just to add more to the confusion of name changes. :) I recently started a Facebook page and I am Amanda-Mandy or Mandy-Amanda (lol I can't remember) because I have work friends and my alanon family along with my blood family on there.
Java/Overcome it doesn't make a difference as long as you feel safe to be you and that is all that really matters.
Yours in recovery, Truly/SrntySeeker/Dolphin123/Mandy123 See just Java/OVercome, two name changes not so bad compared to that ;)
-- Edited by Mandy123 on Thursday 13th of August 2009 05:20:12 PM
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I have not been divorced, but can very well identify with losing sense of who I am. I am not sure that I have ever known who "me "really is until I found this program and learned to look at me and ask who am I? What do I like? What do I need/want? I remember in HS doing a lot of things that I liked and being successful at them, but my long term goals were always fuzzy. I never remember finding anything that really got my fire burning. I did lots of things just because someone said that I would be good at it or it would be good for me.
Now I try to evaluate what I want, what I like, what I want to devote my time to. I like some of who I am now, other stuffI am still working to change. That's a good thing. I have found a couple of things that I am truely passionate about and that is a neat feeling.
As far as names, I had a bit of a problem when I married my husband and found out years later that we could not get that marriage legally recognized. We had taken some bad advice from someone we trusted. I was due to deliver my first baby when we had to quickly get married to make sure the hospital would not put my maiden name on the baby's birth certificate. That was hard as we had considered ourselves married for several years and my AH in his sick thinking was questioning our married status.
Now after 3 years in this program and my AH finding sobriety, this all seems like a mute point. We are commited to each other and our recovery, individually and as a family.
So I guess what I am saying is that your delema is not uncommon, and it will work itself out as you learn to get to know yourself. I think many of us tended to compartmentalize ourselves. I am one thing for this person and another thing for that person. I think my recovery program has helped me integrate myself into one authentic self, and it feels good.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I came up with the user id Sincerely after alot of thought. I wanted to set an automaic signature on my outlook email account at work. Having seen alot of closing signatures such as: have a prosperious day, with regards, have blessed day and on and on; i thought about what best decribes me while being both professional and friendly. And I came up with the old faithful:
Sincerely, Tonya * ****
Then not long after I wanted to create me an yahoo account. And after hours of trying to come up w/something that no on had i had a light bulb moment and said.... hum, what about sincerelytonya@yahoo.com and it was available. So with much excitement...i created a user name for my mom too using sincerely (and her name). So...sincerely has become part of me.
I can't even imagine how it would be if HP blessed me with a child. It took so much thought to come up with a "unique user name" OMG... LOL!
So I guess my ugly mug isn't so bad after all! 