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I have been slowly rebuilding my life, staying no contact with my AH who literally ran away in January and rang me from abroad to say he wasnt coming back. He has emailed my sister against her wishes with the most patronising email about how he hopes hes left it long enough and hopes i will be ready to be friends soon!! And wants me to send photos he needs from my computer and has other practical matters to sort out and hopes my sister and husband will be friends too! Sister is spitting feathers at the arrogant way he wrote it, she has already told him she doesnt want and cant be involved. This is my husband who so utterly betrayed me, said horrid things behind my back, tried to go back to his ex unknown to me whilst we were married, lied about me to people, lied to me all the time about his drinking, threatened to leave and left at least 12 times during our marriage and abandoned me without a bye your leave, NOW he wants to be FRIENDS!! Im so scared of what hes talking about re practical issues, he has all his stuff, has signed to say he doesnt want anything from me and vice versa, so what on earth is this about....i realise now that he thinks im just soooo upset that I wont speak to him, he doesnt get that i dont ever intend to have anything to do with him again, divorce papers will be dealt with by solicitor as soon as two years is up. I am wondering if i should write to him and retain a solicitor and say to him that any contact needs to be via my solicitor...I am frightened he will be horrible to me soon because again we havent responded to his email and hes not getting his photos, he should have thought about those when he left and been in less of a hurry to get away from me and where we live..after all ive heard why would i bother to keep his photos on his computer.. all traces of him are gone but i just desperately wish he would leave me alone, what can i do, its really really upset me...this is the man i loved..he seems to think hes done nothing at all wrong and why the hell does he want to be friends, he didnt even like me from what i can gather, couldnt bear to be in the house with me, so he told people...lovely. please give me some words of wisdom.. ive done so well and this has just plummeted me down again, im so angry..worried..frightened of what he will do...Its been 7 months since he left saying he wanted nothing, gave all his clothes to charity, me and his sister had to get him to put stuff in storage, he seemed to want to throw everything away, now what can he possibly think he needs to talk to me about. Its too early to sort out a divorce, he certainly has no grounds for divorce and I will be filing just as soon as the two years is up. Help.....Lillyxx
"NOW he wants to be FRIENDS!! Im so scared of what hes talking about re practical issues, he has all his stuff, has signed to say he doesnt want anything from me and vice versa, so what on earth is this about...." -lily burn
It sounds like he is fishing and getting in touch with you to say this vague stuff ~ sure friends, it is ridiculous isnt it? It seems like all he really asked for is some pc pictures, so far he hasnt said anything else concrete. I would not worry or project - until u get something concrete, it is probably all b/s and merely a way to get under your skin, push buttons or whatever to get a emotional rise out of you. A's live to be enabled, so they can get an emotional response from others, so they can say to themselves, 'ya see how emotional they are, see what a crazy person, i'm ok, i'll go use some more' - they are looking for justifications & excuses to use. If he actually needed something relevant or important - simply - wouldn't he have asked for it?
For me when I relaized they were being hurtful on purpose, trying to create drama on purpose, I could choose to not participate. This does take practise but it can be done. Do not focus on what he is saying or doing - as some say - allow him to rent sapce in your head. So many head games they play. It is manipulative. Dont give it another thought. Focus on you & what is relevenat to your life.
Do u have a family lawyer/solicitor that you already have a trusted relationships with? I would think getting a lawyer/solicitor to respond to him on your behalf would be an excellent boundary & u could remove yourself further from his insanity. It could be a great boundary for you. There is no reason you have to deal with him, in fact I would (personally) highly consider a restraining order as well, to further drive the point to him home, that you are not playing around with him anymore.
Focsu on you & take care of you whatever that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you kitty for that, u r right, perspective is what i need, its just made me overwrought. Somehow he has managed again, to make me feel like im being silly, unreasonable, doing something unfair..i know he wont leave it at that, he will get annoyed and will make out its me being horrible and he is so so reasonable you see!! I dont have a trusted solicitor but i think i will do something pro active so to speak and make him realise im not playing...I had hoped he would just go away if i ignored him, seems thats not going to happen. Amazingly, he could still reach me on my landline and leave a message if he had something particular. He knows i screen my calls and so far have not responded to his stupid "no message" messages, just him coughing, then him accusing me of stirring things up for him!! then more non messages...its been ages, he could try ringing, catch me out so to speak or leave a message as i said, but it seems bizarrly that he doesnt actually want to speak to me...also he could have written, his sister has been to the west indies where he is several times, he didnt even need to post it, just send it back with her!!! wierd isnt it......I will try to focus on me, I have been doing well, really I have, its just shaken me...Lillyx
I have found getting rid of an A to be harder that one would think. Just when u think it's over up pops their ugly head. They dont seem to hear "no" when it is said. I'm sorry to say this but u taking him back 12 times - I'm sure he thinks he can do it twelve more. Firm boundaries & nip it in the bud *winks* It helps to have a sponsor to be able to call to talk to too, I hope u have one and are getting the support you so deserve. Takes a village to heal from this madness and you are so worth it! Love yourself and live your life fully... get to meetings & share & purge & get friends & coping skills for life. ((((((( lily ))))))))
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
If you can afford a lawyer get one and tell him that everything from now on needs to go thru your lawyer. If you can't afford a lawyer, you can send him an email stating that any continued contact from him will be seen as harrassment and you will contact the police.
If you are done, you need to do whatever it is to keep yourself safe from him. It is time to get serious. I understand so very well how any contact with the A can just throw me. And that included an email from him or someone telling me his business.
I had to spell it all out for my ex A. Do not contact anyone in my family including friends...I will call the police. Do not contact me...I will call the police.
He finally got it that this time, I am done and I am not playing games anymore.
Good luck...A's are really hard to get rid of even when it is their idea to get gone.
When I broke contact with my ex addict/alcoholic several years ago, I made sure to ask my parents and anyone else I knew who may be in his address book to not forward my new address, etc. to him. He was downright unstable, and even to this day, with my public internet accounts, like Facebook, etc., I do my best to make sure he'd be blocked from finding me.
I simply don't want to hear from the man, period.
Should I find he's somehow found me, then I think probably what I would do is start to examine everything using the steps and traditions. One of the things that happens with me sometimes is I act on impulse, most especially when fear is the driving force for me. Fear doesn't necessarily lead me to make the right decisions in things at times.
I can use the slogan, "how important is it?"... do I really feel there's a real threat from him? If the contact is neutral or perhaps trying to be friendly, is it worth disrupting my serenity over? Do I need to do anything? I mean do I REALLY need to take any actions? Respond? Most of my questions, when I get really clear on things, usually have a big "NO" as my answer. No, it's not that important. No, I don't need to do anything.
In most cases, should I respond at all, I'd simply be joining in on "the dance". Taking up his offer to be sick, too.
I may decide that I don't like that he found me. I may take the steps, then, to find ways to prevent the contact depending on how the contact was made. Through email? I can block messages from his email account. Phone? I'm pretty sure I can block calls from him in this day and age. If he gets to a point where he becomes harassing or threatening, then I can take the next steps to see what can be done to legally protect myself.
What's really important for me, though, is to recognize the "high" I get from the drama of it all. I can really get myself tied up in knots over the littlest things. I might get an email and find myself reading and re-reading it... composing replies, re-reading my possible replies... calling non Al-Anon friends (people who I know wouldn't call me out on my sick behavior!) to express my outrage and get them to join in with me...
That sort of behavior from myself is not healthy. And that's why I can hopefully recognize the insanity it's creating for me and make a quick phone call to my sponsor, get over to a meeting or read some Al-Anon literature.
